What if my needs aren't compatible with my marriage?

[jak123]

First, my situation. Then my questions.

I'm a 41 year old bisexual man, married to my straight wife for 15 years. We have a young son, and a pretty darn good marriage. No infidelity, great communication, decent amount of physical compatibility.

Last month I met a straight man and we hit it off really well, became close friends too quickly, and I started getting a crush on him. It was the first time I had feelings for someone other than my wife since before I was married. Once I realized it, I saw that it could get out of control, so I told my wife about it, I told the guy about it, and we broke off all contact.

My wife wasn't happy about it, but we talked about it a lot, and the fact that nothing physical happened and I told her as soon as I realized that something emotional was happening meant that it didn't turn into a big deal. We discussed it, and then put it behind us.

After a few days, the intense heartbreak feelings went away, but I was left with unusual symptoms. Numbness in the put of my stomach, a fear of being alone and a weird inability to make simple decisions. Those things scared me, so I made an appointment with a therapist. I had one session with him, and came out of it with a mission - I need to find out what my Needs are, and figure out how to get them met.

It's been a month now, and I'm slowly starting to figure out how to find what my Needs are. Not even what my Needs are, just how to figure out how find out what my Needs are. It's harder than it seems to find what you really Need versus what you just want. The more I go through this process, the more I think that one of my needs is to have sex with men.

If I discover that is one of my needs, what do I do? Cheating without her knowledge is out of the question, I couldn't stand to hurt my wife that much if she found out. I did ask her once a couple years ago if I could have a casual fling with a married bisexual friend of my, but she said no, so nothing happened. I also can't see myself leaving her; we're really, really good together.

I'm not really looking for advice on what to do, although if you have any, fire away. I'm looking for advice about how to live with this. I've obviously been subconsciously denying this part of myself for 15 years, but now that I know it's one of my basic Needs, what is denying it going to do to me? Is it going to mess me up further, turn me into an emotional wreck? What can I do to stay sane, what skills will I need to develop to keep mentally stable?

Thanks.

[Wakeup]

As mentioned in your duplicate thread:

Go back to your therapist and work on yourself. Your "needs" are NOT "needs" they are "wants." Your "needs" are: Water, air, food, shelter... everything else is just simply applying mind to get over what you THINK matters.

[jak123]

Thank you, can this thread be closed? It was created unintentionally.

[TablesandChairs]

Hi OP,

Lets break this down: You married and committed to a person - female/male doesn't matter. The expectation, I'm assuming, was that you would be faithful and committed to her/your child.

Now, let's say your wife said to you - 'Hey husband, prior to committing to you, I didn't really have an opportunity to experience other people...and I feel I need to do this in order to achieve happiness'. How would you feel? Now, there's a chance you belong to a minority who might say 'Sure wife, I want you to be happy! Just be safe okay?'. But in a normal situation, I'd expect the reaction to be 'WTF'.

What I'm getting at is...bisexuality doesn't give you a free card. You're in the same predicament as any other married person and your options are: cheat or divorce. Both have consequences, both could lead to you breaking up your family unit. Is sleeping with a man a need? No, you won't shrivel up and die if you don't.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Don't act hastily because you could end up trading a loving relationship/family for a fling.

[bcgirl]

That's great that you and your wife have a great relationship with good communication etc. in your marriage. You're relationship is already probably better than the majority of marriages. Why the hell f*ck it up because you think you "need" to f*ck other men? Is your child's future worth that? Go buy a dildo and stick it up your butt if your fantasy is torturing you.