Long distance love losing interest?

[nikkie]

Hi there!

I've just joined this forum for a little advice. I've been with a great man for 4 years now, and due to distance, we see each other only at weekends. We met online and after a few weeks of chatting, got together face to face and had the most legendary of all first dates.
We fell for each other pretty hard, pretty quickly which made the hardships of a ldr seem totally worthwhile.
So we decided to commit to being exclusive, my boyfriend was talking about living together within weeks of our relationship becoming official, although having been divorced just a year before and having children, I was less keen to rush into anything.
About a year into our relationship, I started to come around to the idea of living together as a family, and we made some plans and decided that he should move to my area and rent out his house. We started the much needed updates to the place and he had a small spurt of applying for jobs in my area.
But we've been stuck in that same rut now for 3 years! I'd like to work more on the house, but my boyfriend is reluctant to do anything at the weekend, because its the only time we have together, but there's been hardly any progress since we first started. He's not applied for a single job in 2 years, and yet all this time he has been very worried about the security of his current position.
Although we say all the right things "when we live together" "when we get married" etc, I always feel a bit of a fraud, as I couldn't be sure it will ever happen, and I think he feels the same.
Recently, we've admitted that things seem stale and boring and my boyfriend even said he finds himself 'clicking' with women he sees in his everyday life. I know he'd never cheat on me, but it was hurtful to hear, although I don't think he realised it.It made me think very hard and long about whether he's with me purely out of either a sense of duty or complacency.
We are trying to fix the 'staleness' with more trips, activities and social get togethers, but I can't help but feel that the fact that our relationship is just not moving forward is the real reason for the feeling of boredom.
I love my boyfriend, but given the situation, should we just cut our losses and give ourselves the opportunity to find people we can build actual lives with, or should I wait for the year he thinks it should take for things to change? I'm 34 and he's 42, can we afford to wait a year just to see if something works?
What do you think, I'd love to hear any opinions!

[basilandthyme]

I vote for 'cut your losses'. If this was really meant to be, you wouldn't be stuck in this stalemate.

[nikkie]

I'm tempted to agree with you. I'm just worried that I'm being far too romantic about the whole thing and not at all logical. Moving isn't clear cut, but surely we'd have tried by now, if we really wanted to. I'm also pretty sure that if we were 5 miles apart, we'd have been living together and married by now! It's a toughy! Maybe we've just left it too long, and gone past that stage where just being in love would make it possible to fight 20 bears and come out smiling.

[michelle23]

I think cut your losses too. If he really wanted to live with you it would have happened by now and i also think if he had any intention of marrying you-you would be engaged. Hes 42-he should be willing to make all that happen-i mean it would be different if he was 25.

And what he said about other women is a red flag. His eyes are wandering and id say uv already lost him. Its ok to think OW are good looking (he has eyes) but "clicking with them"...
Your a young woman-you can get back out there and meet someone who wants all the same things as you. Try to find someone local though when ur ready to date again.

Dont waste anymore time-i dont think this is going anywhere and its better to accept that now istead of in 5years time..

[nikkie]

Thanks both! I do think you're right, I just needed to hear it from someone other than family or our friends, who are just too positive sometimes! I suppose they're worried about how a never married 42 year old man and a single mum will manage out there in the big, wild world of dating. But I just don't think that's reason enough to persevere. We've done enough of that, surely! Although he was very matter-of fact about saying he felt emotionally attracted to other women, he blamed the fact that I'm far away for it, I'm sure it was a huge hint that he'd like to be set free, but in a way that stops him being the baddie. I think he's a bit of an arse for that, if I'm right.

[bearz]

Just out of curiosity, how far apart do you live?

[nikkie]

Actually, and this'll now sound silly, but only 70 miles. Too far to commute, in fairness. One major factor, and this may sound even sillier is language. Although we have always lived in the same country, I'm an English speaker and he's a first language Welsh speaker,which is typical in his area, for work and schools, another reason it would be difficult for my children and I too relocate there.

[bearz]

70 miles isn't too bad to start a relationship, but definitely too far to commute to work every day. Like I said, I was just wondering.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it is the right choice for yourself and your child. Good luck!

[nikkie]

Well, I'm about to talk to him now, and I feel more sure of where we need to go from here, so hopefully we find a resolution soon.
Fingers crossed for good things.

[michelle23]

Please dont worry about being a single mum in the dating world. Theres lots of single dads out there too and also plenty of men who dont have kids willing to meet a single mum. Two of my aunts were single mums when they met their husbands and they are very happy now.

My partners mum has 4kids abd found love. Anything is possible.

Dont end the relationship unless your sure thats what you want but the man is 42 and has never been married. It is a little unusual.. Maybe hes just afraid of committment and will never give u what you need. He hasnt made any effort to move forward even though you have made it clear thats what you want.

Its ur decision but please dont waste your life away on a man who has already told u he likes OW on an emotional level. Ask him what he really meant by that. Is that a hint hes on the way out?

If u think it is though-i recommend u put an end to it to save urself the hurt of rejection. Its always easier for the dumper to get over the hurt than the dumpee so do it soon before he rips ur heart out if u think its going nowhere