Should I be concerned

[scott777]

I met my fiancée about 8 months ago. She was coming off a 2 month relationship with someone who lives about 500 miles away. She use to visit him almost every weekend. The were intimate although she said it was not very good.

Throughout our relationship she has maintained him as a friend. In the beginning of March we were engaged, and we had a bad fight in mid march, as a result of this fight she was in the process of running away to see him on a Friday night, to be with him as only a friend and to sort out her feelings for him. Her flight was delayed and she decided not to go visit him and via phone sorted out her feelings for him. She said she decided he was not for her, and that I without a doubt was the one for her.

The past few months we have been doing great. She says he calls about once a month and is now more of an acquaintance. Last week though she told me he is now calling about 4 to 5 times a week. She says it is nothing, he calls for 5 minutes to say hi, she tells him she is busy. She says he is just an acquaintance and that I should not worry at all about him as she loves me very much.

The thing is I do trust her and I know that she loves me, but I question his motives. He says he is happy for her and us, and just wants her to be happy. He says he does not have any friends other than his exwife and exgirlfriend. He is not very well off financially, and she use to lend him money. She had agreed to tell me every time he calls, but she felt the conversations were so short it was not necessary.

Part of me just says to let it go, she loves me. She did not even invite him to the wedding. I should continue to trust her and let her have her own friends if she desires. But as this is only my second relationship (my first lasted twenty plus years), as I am a widow, I feel a bit strange with this situation.

Any thoughts would be appreciated,
thanks

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Well, you're right in that you should just try your best not to worry. It sounds like your fiance is completely over him and wants to make him less and less a part of her life. Sounds like lately his motives aren't so innocent. It appears he may have found another relationship due to his only calling once a month and chances are that flopped so he picked up calling her a bunch. That's only based on speculation but it's a possiblity. Who knows but either way he's done for and you're fiance only wants you, sounds pretty cut and dry. Try to get it out of your system.

[Illusional]

oh boy... *cracks knuckles* this is a topic that i would LOVE to reply to....

in reply to zekk.... i think it is best scott that you DO worry. bringing up an experience that i had to go through, my last relationship started as friends, then developed into something that i did not expect. however, she still did talk to her last bf and it didn't bother me at the time. yet, when we started to get into a relationship i noticed all the smaller things that they would do. i felt as though i couldn't trust her, reguardless of how much so told her they were only friends. she would see him atleast once a week and she was close to his parents. to make it worst, he was her first lover and tell me you're heard how everyone never forgets their first.. right?

well scott, i'll be blunt. you are getting married in a short period of time and i suggest that you express everything to her if you haven't already. she may see this previous relationship as just platonic, however ask her to look at this from your eyes. hopefully she will see that this is really bothering you. i disadvise however and making her choose between the two of you. she may very well only want to spend the rest of her life with you and have nothing to do with her ex. but being that he is in need of help and seems to only turn to her ex wife and ex gf, she feels sorry for him. the main thing i would say is not to let this slip by. confront her and deal with this because it will only haunt you later in life. or in fact, meet this ex and then it will relieve a lot of tension. raverboy

[scott777]

Thanks for the idea. In fact we are going to San Diego this weekend to visit my friend and her brother. I wonder what she would say if I asked to stop by and see her ex, even if just for a few minutes.

My sense is that she has talked with him this week too, but has not told me, thus I will need to ask her agian. I guess the part that is strange is that I know she calls him too.

And the funny thing is, she is so jealous of me, for example the other night we were at the gym, she was with her trainer and I was on a bike, a girl sat down on the bike next to me, and a few minutes later she comes by and says the trainer wanted me to accompany her to do abs. Later she confesed, that she did that to take me away from the other girl. She says I am a good catch and does not want to take any chances.

The deal with this is, he lives 500 miles away and there are over half a million females in San Diego, I would like for him to get to know one of them! And leave us alone.

One last note, last month, she tells me, he was trying to not talk with her, as he wanted to give us some space. When she told me that, I said "well that was noble of him" and she got defensive, and said "hey, he is trying to give us our space" ???

[peshkunta]

I think you should start worrying when you see your girl talking about this guy too much or brings him up in conversations out of the blue. People, when they like/want/love someone they tend to talk about them and bring them up in random conversations - without any reason (or so it seems). The interesting thing is, that they don't necessarily have to say anything nice about that person - yet, that doesn't mean they don't totally adore them and are hiding their feelings. People are so transparent that it's almost unbelievable. I'd say fix this before it turns into a problem. I don't know if the idea Illusional gave you was a good one - meeting her ex. The reason is that, feelings fade with time and faster when you don't see or have contact with that person. Seeing him might only bring back memories and emotions in her. I'd say do what you decide, but don't be surprised if it all comes crashing down on you.

Good luck!

__________________
If a shoe don't fit, cutback on the burgers and repeat!

[Illusional]

reguardless of what you do or what you say, you're always going to be the bad guy. don't you just hate that? you want to trust her, but you can't. when you express this lack of trust she's offended. i feel you man. it's a lose lose situation for you.

however, seeing that she does get jealous...that is only the obvious. she still has strong feelings for you, damn she better have if she's about to marry you. however, girls always remember their ex's and it seems in this case, they ended on good terms. to be honest, there may be nothing between them. thinking back to a different ex that i kept in contact with, her and her last bf did have problems because of me. i still would talk to her, yet he wouldn't trust her. he never did believe that it was over between us. i think that sometimes we have to give the benefit of the doubt. on the other hand, this was before MY last ex, the one that i didnt' trust. haha sorry, i know that i'm jumping back and forth between ex's and what not but i still feel that you should be doubtful. i think maybe play it safe that sorry.

about meeting the ex, that is totally up to you. i only wanted to meet my ex's ex to actually show that i was with her now and to see how his expression towards me would be. he never did want to meet with me, so that only adds more doubt to my situation, considering he was a good friend and all. well the decision is totally up to you. raverboy

[scott777]

Well I took the initiative. When we landed in San Diego, I asked
my finance if we could stop by and see her ex on the way to her brothers house. I asked her to call, she was really surprised, but said "hey if that is what you really want ok then"

So we stopped by for 5 minutes just to say hi, I wanted her ex to see me and know, hey she is with me know and hopefully have him knock it off with the calling. We were all very civil, he lives in a dump, and it is dirty, but a nice guy. He hugged her as a friend and we said goodby. I told her, that I noticed that he still is interested in her, and she said she sensed the same from him.

But told me I really have nothing to worry about, that she has absoutely no feelings for him and she has been waiting for me all her life. She felt somewhat proud that I did that, even though it was a bit too much a display of jealousy, but she said it showed her how much I love her to do that.

I was ok with that, but now the guy is starting to call her every day agian now. I told her, let me talk with him, she said no, she has to talk to him and tell him to knock it off. She did ask if I wan to know when he calls to let me know, I said hell yes.

Is that too much for me to expect??
My view is that she should tell him to knock it off, if she knows it bothers me. Why would she let his behaviour continue, right??

thanks,

[Illusional]

don't you feel relieved that you met the guy and you know how she feels for you and only you?

secondly, hrmm..i think that he has a right to call, but not every ****ing day. that is a bit much. i also would think that you have a right to know, but you're fiancee doesn't have to tell you everytime. it shouldn't even be happening everytime. he calls too damn much. but the matter is that i still feel this is her problem and if she wants to solve it herself, you can only give her support and not step in. you did what you wanted to do in that you met the guy, now it's up to her to finish the problem. raverboy

[peshkunta]

I think what happened here (as I predicted) was, you put fuel in the fire that was dying down.
They say, "face your fears," not "tempt your fears."

[Illusional]

i love to tempt mines and see what happens. raverboy