I need help fast

[Justsomeone22]

Okay I'm starting to get in over my head here already and I don't think I can back out now...I'll start from the begining so bear with me...I met this girl *Stacey* years ago while playing basketball with some friends..of course being cocky and among the fellas I challenged her to play with us and played one on one...needless to say I'm not good at basketball....At that time I had a girlfriend we were in high school. All attending the same school and Chelsea and I had been together for a little over a year. So I spent that entire summer playing ball with the guys and this girl and walking her home every night afterwards...we lost touch over the high school years and reconnected over myspace. Things progressed as we went on several lunch dates and other things...I had been with my still current girlfriend at the time *Tiffany* for about 3 and a half years. So aside from lunches we had several other meetings for example...passing football, late night shopping, and long talks in the car after just stopping by to see her at her dorms...I knew she had been with her then boyfriend Mark still for some time. So I knew where we were both headed...nothing ever happened between us so much as a long hug...a few fights and a huge apology written in sidewalk chalk later...we lost contact again for over a year. Then I find out her and Mark are getting married...after the wedding 2 months later he commits suicide...of course I send my sympathy to Stacey. So we begin contact more and more and go pick up where things left off basically...lunches and such and a whole lot more holding hugging and things...again nothing further all the while Tiffany and I bought a house together. To bring it up to pace I'm not getting passion at home no cuddling nothing...Tiffany isn't very romantic or emotional and I'm afraid that if I stay with her that I will end up being 35 with 2 kids and divorced because I absolutely need her help to keep that fire between us for the next 50 years. We've been together for almost 6 years at this point. Stacey and I have spent a lot of time together lately and both stated the obvious. we're mutually interested in each other though she has just taken a stay in Indiana for a couple months...exactly what do I do...will go into detail more if need be.

[Malig]

Okay I'm starting to get in over my head here already and I don't think I can back out now...I'll start from the begining so bear with me...I met this girl *Stacey* years ago while playing basketball with some friends..of course being cocky and among the fellas I challenged her to play with us and played one on one...needless to say I'm not good at basketball....At that time I had a girlfriend we were in high school. All attending the same school and Chelsea and I had been together for a little over a year. So I spent that entire summer playing ball with the guys and this girl and walking her home every night afterwards...we lost touch over the high school years and reconnected over myspace. Things progressed as we went on several lunch dates and other things...I had been with my still current girlfriend at the time *Tiffany* for about 3 and a half years. So aside from lunches we had several other meetings for example...passing football, late night shopping, and long talks in the car after just stopping by to see her at her dorms...I knew she had been with her then boyfriend Mark still for some time. So I knew where we were both headed...nothing ever happened between us so much as a long hug...a few fights and a huge apology written in sidewalk chalk later...we lost contact again for over a year. Then I find out her and Mark are getting married...after the wedding 2 months later he commits suicide...of course I send my sympathy to Stacey. So we begin contact more and more and go pick up where things left off basically...lunches and such and a whole lot more holding hugging and things...again nothing further all the while Tiffany and I bought a house together. To bring it up to pace I'm not getting passion at home no cuddling nothing...Tiffany isn't very romantic or emotional and I'm afraid that if I stay with her that I will end up being 35 with 2 kids and divorced because I absolutely need her help to keep that fire between us for the next 50 years. We've been together for almost 6 years at this point. Stacey and I have spent a lot of time together lately and both stated the obvious. we're mutually interested in each other though she has just taken a stay in Indiana for a couple months...exactly what do I do...will go into detail more if need be.

this

wow elaborate

[Freckle]

Right. First thing. Take your time. Separate the issues. You are worried for your own future, particularly the passion, in your own relationship and you are experiencing strong feelings for someone you care for who has gone through something catastrophic in their life.

The quick advice is take a brief time out - like go trekking for a weekend on your own or with you man friends and think calmly about it.

I think what should happen ideally is that you should sit with your real life girl and talk to her about how mixed up you are feeling about the two things - that may well be the true test of whether your current relationship will last forever or not. Passion can come and go but working through a real problem like this is the real challenge.

It sounds as though Stacey is your friend (I have a close friend like this) and goodness knows she probably needs a friend capable of keeping her safe and that also includes not blurring boundaries. I wish you luck.

Freckx

[Justsomeone22]

So today we go into a conversation about this exact thing...or at least very similar to it. She offers to back off a little and let me figure things out. Also saying that her outlook on things right now is to have no expectations. Which is complete bullshit, I know damn well that everyone has expectations...she says she doesn't want to be let down again. I do plan on taking a little time to myself to figure out where I want to go with myself among all the other things. I have also discussed this with several male and female friends all coming to the same conclusion to go with what makes me happiest. The passion issue is never going to change, it's been a heated topic between her and I for years now. It wasn't there in the beginning and it's still not there now. I've been really down as of late and she hasn't so much as asked me why. On the other hand through text messaging Stacey senses that I'm upset...now I just feel the gap between her and I getting smaller. Now I'm trying to explain that I am as patient as need be but when one day we're discussing how we had to separate early in the night because things would have happened between us...I'm pretty sure I'm not reading that wrong. If I am then as a woman please interpret..."I had to leave so early because I was afraid that you would think less of Tiffany." also prior to that discussing that you are both open to ANYTHING that happens...it's very confusing and I'm having a hard time understanding what she is seeking from me. I offered just friendship this go around...then it has led up to very flirt, huggy, discreet text messaging, all types of weird feelings I've never ever had for a woman. Which by discreet text messages I mean very flirtatious and misleading.

[Freckle]

It seems to me that with so much confusion ("it's very confusing and I'm having a hard time understanding what she is seeking from me"), unless you pull back, you are likely to be hurt.
I dont understand enough to be able to interpret ..."I had to leave so early because I was afraid that you would think less of Tiffany" further.
I say - get single for a while, be a friend to girl number 2 and then in time, see if anything develops but dont rush if she means a lot to you and ideally let her have some relaxed (rebound) relationships before she gets serious again.
Freck

[Gigabitch]

You're too young to be settling down with anybody let alone somebody that doesn't even make you happy. Why did you buy a house with Tiffany? Yikes.

The feeling I get is that you're being entirely too passive about all of this. What do you WANT? Why is this so confusing? It seems simple enough to me- you're wasting Tiffany's time. The Stacy thing is more complicated, but it wouldn't seem so overwhelming if you weren't all tied up in this non-relationship.

[Justsomeone22]

So just to update yesterday had a very gritty discussion about things and as much as I would hate to see it happen I think that we are going to back off a little bit. here's just a sample of what we discussed...

Her-"You're going to need your time to yourself too. I have things that I have to get figured out and a couple of things I still have to deal with. We can hang out and talk about everything thats going on. I think it will only make us closer. Once we've both gotten over our big issues we can talk about where we are at and give it a title if we think its worth a shot."

Me- "Whatever we need to do, I'm willing to handle whatever obstacles to make things better for me and hopefully eventually for you as well."

[Cain]

So just to update yesterday had a very gritty discussion about things and as much as I would hate to see it happen I think that we are going to back off a little bit. here's just a sample of what we discussed...

Her-"You're going to need your time to yourself too. I have things that I have to get figured out and a couple of things I still have to deal with. We can hang out and talk about everything thats going on. I think it will only make us closer. Once we've both gotten over our big issues we can talk about where we are at and give it a title if we think its worth a shot."

Me- "Whatever we need to do, I'm willing to handle whatever obstacles to make things better for me and hopefully eventually for you as well."

What are you telling your current gf about all of this? I think she deserves to know your doubts.

[Justsomeone22]

Actually I spoke with her about the lack of passion/affection in our relationship...told her that I'm not all that interested in the ****ing as much as I am the love part. Of course she got defensive and it turned into a fight like it has every time for the last 6 years....Number one defense...."I don't know how to be affectionate." So I'll be discussing it more with her this weekend and more in depth to try and either uproot the problem completely and see if there is any way of saving this...or figure out what we're going to do about the housing situation and such...pretty much all or nothing situation is what it comes down too.

[Cain]

Actually I spoke with her about the lack of passion/affection in our relationship...told her that I'm not all that interested in the ****ing as much as I am the love part. Of course she got defensive and it turned into a fight like it has every time for the last 6 years....Number one defense...."I don't know how to be affectionate." So I'll be discussing it more with her this weekend and more in depth to try and either uproot the problem completely and see if there is any way of saving this...or figure out what we're going to do about the housing situation and such...pretty much all or nothing situation is what it comes down too.

At least your giving the relationship a chance. You're not running scared at the first signs of trouble without communicating. No matter what happens, she'll at least respect that.

[Justsomeone22]

After all the time we spent together the least I can do is throw it out there and see if it can be saved at this point...aside from that in a perfect world we would at least remain friends finish the things that need to be done to the house and sell and hopefully make our money back and a little extra for each of us..I love her family to death I love her to death. I don't love being in a relationship with no passion...over the last 6 years I've seen her parents touch a total of...0 times and that includes funerals and weddings...I refuse to raise children in that type of an environment, I don't feel that it's healthy.

[lesa]

Whatever you do, don't allow the other woman to be a factor in your decision.

Why do people think about leaving and stay when there is no other person in the picture but as soon as another person enters the picture they are willing to leave with less hesitation?

Pretend the other woman doesn't exist (which is probably too difficult to do). What would you do?