Older girl is acting different 4 weeks into our relationship

[kw86]

I think this girl is messing with my head and I need some opinions from other people.

I met this girl at the bar she works at as a bartender. She seemed very different than most bartenders, very genuine and sweet. After a few more visits during happy-hour and a lot of talks later we shared numbers. I asked her out but she told me she is in a relationship. I told her 'ok no worries' and to take care.

I saw her at her bar a weeks later and she started to flirt with me. We started texting the next day and we set up a date. Went to the beach then to a lounge and she told me she is 30 and has 2 kids, and is over her current BF at the time for over a year. She just has a hard time ending things. There was already chemistry between us. While she was telling all of her story we were holding hands.

Fast forward....After our 2nd date i told her this doesn't seem right and that its better not to see each other again. She agreed and left my house after some cuddling and kissing.

Two days later I get a text in the morning saying "I can't take this, I miss u". After me asking her what to do she decided she was going to break up with her BF that weekend. The night before she actually broke up I asked her to come to my place to talk. I told her to put all her energy in her family and that i don't want her to break up. She explained me that she is over him for a long long time and that it's time to move on.

Since that day we have been dating now for 6 weeks. After week 3 she told me she is 35 and not 30, which didn't really bother me that much.

First 4 weeks were great. Then some negativity came into our relationship. She is ADD and until I did some research about it I had no idea how serious of a health issue that is. She was always late and changed plans last moment a lot. I'm not that patient so we got into some arguments.

Last Saturday we had a conversation and she told me it feels like she has to be perfect and walk on egg shells. I told her that I was sorry she felt that way and that I will try to change. She told me that she is always happy to see me and doesn't want to end things.

That night I did some research about ADD and texted her the same night that I understand her issues better now and that I was sorry for how I was acting and that I will try to be more understanding and patient. Since then she has been acting really cold. Her texts are different. She doesn't reply to hours later and sometimes not until the next day.

Today we were suppose to hike, but she sent me a text in the morning that her daughter her school called in that she is sick and has to take care of her. Even though this could be true, I think everything combined it looks kinda fishy.

I'm really into her and feel a little heartbroken. I hardly eat and check my phone all the time. It's really affecting my life in a negative way.

I would love to get some advice from other people about how she is acting. Is she done with me? Or is the extra stress I gave her just too much and is trying to create some distance...

Thanks for reading!

[confusedman2011]

So many red flags:

* She pursued you when she was still in a relationship with someone else
* She lied about her age
* She sounds flaky and unreliable. I'm not trying to bash ADD, as I have several in my family with that, but that's no excuse for her not being on time
* Four weeks in and you're fighting already?
* She went hot and then cold on you? She's no longer interested in you.
* She broke a date and didn't offer a make-up date? Yep, she's no longer interested in you.

Dude, I know you're really attached to her. I've been there, and I felt absolutely crushed. Snap out of it. Delete her number from your cell phone and forget about her. You WILL bounce back and find someone better for you!

[Cerby]

Confusedman2011 is right about most of that, he is however making assumptions about her not being interested anymore. It does sound like she has had a change of heart, but you need to get it from her. You know what they say about assuming things.

[kw86]

Thanks for the replies guys.

A few things:
She lies about her age to almost everyone. This is because of her job, she is also a model and professional dancer. If she would tell everyone her real age she would get less work. One night we were lying on my bed for like 4 hours tlaking and brought her age issue up. She felt like it was a good time to tell me and still early enough. She also expected me to say goodbye that night.

I did a lot of research about ADD and being late and changing plans is a big part of it. I'm sure it depends on the degree of it. However I'm very impatient and I grew up in Europe. People her in Southern California have different standard and 95% of the people are bing late her. I bitched about it a lot and that put extra stress on her is what she explained during our conversation. She told me she feels like she's walking on egg shells and has to perfect for me or I will get upset. I realize this is a big flaw on my part. I also know this from a previous relationship.

During that conversation I acted very weak. I apologized and told her I'm really into her. After that she started acting cold and totally has control over the relationship. I'm pretty sure that if I show less interest that she will come right back to me.

On the other hand maybe I should just end it... Honestly she is a great girl and we had a lot of fun together...hmmm

[confusedman2011]

My own gf can be late for a host of legitimate reasons (had to finish up at work, kids, traffic, etc.) but it's rarely ever more than 15-20 minutes late; and if it is longer, she will text or call me and explain her situation. And I've done the same with her. I know that s*** happens in life, and anything can happen to anybody on any given day. By the way, punctuality and reliability are expected here in the U.S. and in California, so don't assume that "95%" of people are like that. We're not dealing with rock stars who sleep until 2:00 in the afternoon here; we're talking about a man and a woman trying to develop a real relationship.

I understand ADD, but it doesn't give her an excuse to be that unreliable. Again, I know several people with ADD or ADHD but they know how to be punctual and reliable. I don't know the extremes and specifics of her lateness and changing plans; If it's been a problem to you then it's definitely a "red flag".

When it comes to the age issue, women should either not volunteer that info or tell the truth. You're not a talent agent or in the business, are you? If not, why did she lie to you?

Confusedman2011 is right about most of that, he is however making assumptions about her not being interested anymore. It does sound like she has had a change of heart, but you need to get it from her. You know what they say about assuming things.

You're right, Cerby. I was making assumptions. Kw86, go ahead and take Cerby's advise and ask her straight out. But I've seen it too many times personally and from my friends: the hotness/coldness, the not responding to texts, the lateness, the not making up dates...once the girl starts doing this it's RARE that she comes back to where you guys started out at. And if she has interest in you while still being with another guy, what's to say that if you guys were together a year from now that she wouldn't get bored with you and dump you for someone else?

kw86, I hate to sound extreme but I'm just trying to protect your heart. This isn't a once-five-year-long marriage you're trying to salvage - it's a four-week-long relationship that was built on shaky ground. I've been there...I've fallen for a girl, we've had a great time together, had great sex, had a lot of fun, she seemed sweet, shared some conversations...but once they start down the road of acting weird, indifferent, inconsistent and treating you like a yo-yo, then it's unlikely they'll come back around.

[kw86]

I just called her. We talked for over 30 min. She is not happy with herself, needs time to figure things out and needs a break. She just came out of a relationship and felt that things were going to fast. I told her that if we can't solve issues together this wouldn't work anyway.

She said a few times I don't want it to end here. Then we finally ended it...

I think she needs time and will come back at me eventually...we will see what happens...

[kw86]

Ouch. A little heartbroken. Still feel like it was the right decision, I don't think she would have changed...

[lizzy-bet]

I agree, I don't want to stereotype either, but 2 kids with a boyfriend, 35 and lying about her age because of insecurity (she said she thought you'd leave, meaning that she expects men to be douches, which generally means she has dated lots of douches) and THEN testing you with the hot and cold bit means she has a lot of emotional baggage. This girl seems like she's lived a fast and hard life, she's beautiful and intriguing and has a lot of stories to tell. Unfortunately, as you've already begun to see, the exterior is a front for her insecurities and lack of depth. I have several high school friends and acquaintances that are in the industry, and most of them have gone through dozens of boyfriends, husbands, have a few kids, some by different Dads, and still keep the fast paced lifestyle because it keeps them busy enough to avoid dealing with how unhappy they are on the inside. Even without knowing you or your relationship goals, I don't think that's the type of girl you'd want to have anything with besides a casual relationship.

[kw86]

Thank you for your response.

A few things make sense and a few things are not accurate.

She was together with the father of her kids almost all of her life. She only had one boyfriend before him.

The age thing i don't personal see as an insecurity but more as a smart thoughtful decision. If she knows she can get more work by making up an age, I find that a good reason to lie. She should have prob told me on our first date though. And her expecting me to say goodbye after tell me her real age completely makes sense. Having a 10 year older gf is not that common...

She for sure has a ton of baggage. Very rough childhood. Kids at a fairly young age etc. But I don't see her as a 'typical' bartender...