A really messed up situation.....

[PoisonKitty]

So I had been with my boyfriend for almost two years when I left in September to spend three months in Africa. We had been having troubles and I was toying with the idea of breaking up with him before I left but thought that the time apart might help and make us stronger when I returned. But I found my feelings for him actually faded while I was away.

Well in Africa I ended up getting involved with someone else, but he also had a girlfriend. I felt horrendous for it. I hate the idea of cheating. But I ended up falling in love with this new guy. As much as I would really hope to Ive been told what I had with him was a dream. I would love to move out to africa and spend my life with him...but its almost impossible to do.

On my return from Africa I told my boyfriend everything and ended things with him. But he begged me to try again with him and that he forgave me. He told me he will trust me again because people make mistakes, but I dont know whether I can even trust myself again.

I can barely look him in the eye, let alone ever love him again. I am so confused and mixed up right now. Some people have said I should try things again with him others have said I should try my hardest to go back to Africa. I would really love for things to work between me and my boyfriend again because he is an amazing guy....but I just can't stop thinking about the other guy, I miss him so much and truly love him even though I know I probably wont ever see him again.

Agh. I have really messed things up. It makes things even more difficult that I live with my boyfriend, I currently have no job and would have to move back to my mums if we properly broke up.

I really need some good advice =(

[SelflessnHumble]

So I had been with my boyfriend for almost two years when I left in September to spend three months in Africa. We had been having troubles and I was toying with the idea of breaking up with him before I left but thought that the time apart might help and make us stronger when I returned. But I found my feelings for him actually faded while I was away.

Well in Africa I ended up getting involved with someone else, but he also had a girlfriend. I felt horrendous for it. I hate the idea of cheating. But I ended up falling in love with this new guy. As much as I would really hope to Ive been told what I had with him was a dream. I would love to move out to africa and spend my life with him...but its almost impossible to do.

On my return from Africa I told my boyfriend everything and ended things with him. But he begged me to try again with him and that he forgave me. He told me he will trust me again because people make mistakes, but I dont know whether I can even trust myself again.

I can barely look him in the eye, let alone ever love him again. I am so confused and mixed up right now. Some people have said I should try things again with him others have said I should try my hardest to go back to Africa. I would really love for things to work between me and my boyfriend again because he is an amazing guy....but I just can't stop thinking about the other guy, I miss him so much and truly love him even though I know I probably wont ever see him again.

Agh. I have really messed things up. It makes things even more difficult that I live with my boyfriend, I currently have no job and would have to move back to my mums if we properly broke up.

I really need some good advice =(

Before I give you my advice please know that I am not upset, I'm not mad at you and I have personal ties to your issue, k?

People like to make excuses all the time for the way they "feel." (It is an excuse)
You know it in your mind, body and soul that it is wrong to CHEAT, wrong to have feelings for someone else
and wrong to lock them inside and keep them for an indefinite amount of time while being in a relationship with someone
you don't really love or care about even though you may say otherwise: Your actions reveal your intent, not your thoughts
and definitely not through your words...Affirmation is where it is at. You either love someone or you don't. And it is clear you do NOT love this guy.

As basic as I can put it:
You cheated on your boyfriend because he doesn't really mean anything to you.
You cheated because you were ready to emotionally attach yourself to another man (based on sex, I presume?)

So this is what you need to learn and subsequently apply in order to stop stringing people along
as if they were puppets or toys:

-If your woman's intuition tells you that your feelings for your partner have faded: You don't truly love him.
-Letting him go (by sitting him down, looking him in the eyes and telling him the truth) is how you create closure.

if you do not: Well, look at what you have done to all 3 of you...It's not right and it's not fair.

You cannot stay or be with someone just because they BEG of you to reconsider...
If you do not feel the same for this guy you need to tell him, which will hurt him:
BUT this isn't your problem to deal with. Communication is your problem because you lack
the fortitude to reveal your feelings for whatever reason(s) you may have.

The man you are with deserves open and honest communication. Not lies (via omission)
Which is still lying.

Spare no one's feelings when it comes to the truth.
Ironically the truth sets people free. Lies will continue to hurt people, and damage your very own soul.

[Lipp]

You may want to make a distinction based on your relationship lengths - if you met a guy during a 3-month stay it was still very likely to be in the 'honeymoon' stage, whereas after 2 years you've gone well past that and into a relationship with a certain standard, so it's not really a fair comparison at the moment.

As you mentioned, unless you accept and forgive yourself for what you did things won't go anywhere as you'd be riddled with guilt, and it wouldn't be fair for you to stay with him for financial benefits. And at the same time the scope of going to Africa may be enticing it may be fleeting (as with the mentioned honeymoon stage as well as the experience of a new culture from a tourism perspective) does seem like an impossibility and could very easily backfire. I'd say go for neither.

[RockNRoll]

If you don't feel committed to a relationship with your boyfriend, if you fell out of love, it's better for him and for you to break up. It will be difficult and painful, but if you don't see yourself with him anymore, you'll break up eventually, but with more pain. Don't waist each other's time and nerves any longer. Plan your break up talk, be honest and direct with him.
You'll sort your life out (job, a place to live) soon, don't be afraid of it.
Don't rush into anything with the african guy, time will show.

[reeba]

So you want us to tell you to stay with your current boyfriend whom you don't love and that you cheated on? OR Move to Africa so you can be with this new guy whom you spent only a couple of passionate months with, and you both cheated on your significant others in order to eff eachother?

I say move to Africa. Your current boyfriend deserves better than you. And you deserve to be with a man who cheats.

[angela85]

Its good to hear that guys are forgivable.

[PoisonKitty]

Thank you for your advice.

A conversation with him this evening suddenly made things clear to me.

One of the main issues between me and him before I left was that he didn't show me the affection I craved. I knew he loved me, but i just didnt feel like I 'meant' something. he would push me away from public displays of affection to one another. Wouldnt want to hold me at night. Couldnt say I love you over the phone. Would only say love you if I said it first...etc etc. Then last night he told me one of his friends had pointed out he thought I had loved him more than he loved me.....because I was the more coupley one....I showed it more....and it kind of finally proved my point...someone else had noticed he wasnt affectionate towards me.

And thats why I fell for the other guy...because he had showed me more affection than my boyfriend had in the whole two years we had been together. I was craving so much what I hadnt had that I jumped at the chance when it was given to me. Maybe I didnt love the other guy....I just loved the affection he gave me....I love that when I was with him I felt like I 'meant' something.

Now I understand myself I told my boyfriend the issue was with the affecition, and he told me he can change. That he will fight before he lets me go. He wants to show me the affection. But now we are stuck in a rut. I have days where I feel like things are actually improving between us, that I do still have feelings for him and I enjoy it when he holds me. But then another day when he tries to get close I just feel awkward, I can barely sit in the same room as him. I am not sure why, maybe bcause of the guilt I feel, or the feelings I have lost.

Whatever it is I think the answer is the same. It hurts so much to admit it but I know I can't spend my life with him now. I will always compare him to the affection I did receive, and always end up thinking that there is something better. I really dont think someone can change that much...and when they do it usually only lasts a few months before they revert back to their old ways.

[Raze]

So I had been with my boyfriend for almost two years when I left in September to spend three months in Africa. We had been having troubles and I was toying with the idea of breaking up with him before I left but thought that the time apart might help and make us stronger when I returned. But I found my feelings for him actually faded while I was away.

Well in Africa I ended up getting involved with someone else, but he also had a girlfriend. I felt horrendous for it. I hate the idea of cheating. But I ended up falling in love with this new guy. As much as I would really hope to Ive been told what I had with him was a dream. I would love to move out to africa and spend my life with him...but its almost impossible to do.

People will find any excuse they can once they cheated. You're not bullshitting anyone, hun. Once a cheater, always a cheater.