Male Ego and Insecurity

[Gigabitch]

Guys, I have a question: just how far will a guys insecurity drive him in a bad direction? Can I really trust a guy who seems to need an ego boost from flirting with others?

The situation: my attention-whore boyfriend flirted a lot with the sister of a friend at my Christmas party, to the point where my friend called the next day to apologize for her sister, who was drunk.

I don't think he would actually go so far as to cheat on me, but is this something I should be worried about? This kind of thing has happened more than once.

Red flag or no big deal?

[misombra]

a red flag and something that should be brought up.

that would piss me off. and, depending on what time of the month it was, i would become homicidal.

if he wants to flirt or talk to girls when you're not around, that's cool, you know assuming he's not going to cheat and just likes extra attention. but when you're around giga, he should be on you like white on rice.

if he's on some other girl like white on rice, there's a problem.

do you need me to go over there and slap him?

[Gigabitch]

Pears would tell me to smack him in the balls.

[misombra]

have you brought this up to him?

[Gigabitch]

Not since the blowout about him flirting with the waitress during the $400 dinner I bought him for his birthday.

I did mention that M. had called and asked if I was pissed at her sister, and why, just to let him know I'm not the only one who notices this shit.

[DoesntMatter]

I don't know if it's a red flag or not, but it definitely seems like a dick thing to do

[misombra]

no way girl.

no freakin way.

you're gonna have to straighten that out. and don't back down. having your boyfriend flirt with other girls at every ****ing party or dinner you go to together sucks a big donkey ball.

you could get some revenge and whenever you go out somewhere, start flirting with the waiter or some stranger. see how he feels about that.

you're gonna have to conjure up the hispanic in you chica. you can do it.

[Gigabitch]

You should come up here and pay him some attention, then shut him the **** down when he starts crossing the line.

Then I'll smack him in the balls.

[TheSphinx]

Giga,

I often see men who are naturally flirtatious. Whether they grew up and had successes by being "charming" or teasing and were conditioned to that end or whether it comes from some insecurity, I've no clue.

What I do know is that what is and is not acceptable in your relationship is something you and your boyfriend have to establish. Checks and balances exist to ensure one of you doesn't have your feelings run into the ground.

If he's dating you, Giga, I have a feeling he'd at least be open to discussing it.

~Sphinx

[misombra]

i've had horrible experiences with flirtacious boyfriends.

one time my friends boyfriend laid on top of me and tried to freakin molest me at this party. i told my friend about it and, well let's just say the squeaky wheel always gets the grease. and i got extra greasy.

anyway giga. no way.

you do not deserve that.

[Gigabitch]

The worst part of it is that it causes me to lose respect for him, and I think that's damaging to my relationship. I don't understand why he would need so much ego boosting, and it makes me wonder if he's lacking in some way I have yet to notice.

Needing a boost looks like insecurity to me, and that says he lacks confidence. Unattractive.

[misombra]

that's all true. but getting that boost right in front of your face is a shit bag thing to do.

[Gigabitch]

Does this make me a jealous control freak?

[GrkScorp]

Red flag or no big deal?

You know, I spend so much time analyzing other women, guys seem like a book at this point.. he's so see-through it's not even funny.. but there's good news, there's no need to be worried..

Cues: Insecurity+Need for attention(from women)+Need for validation(from women).

First of all, this suggests that he hasn't had much success with women, and I don't mean this in a bad way, but you are probably the best thing that's ever happened to him, and he is clinging on for dear life. The manner in which he's doing that however is by trying to create drama & jealousy in you. Why?

Well, because of his insecurity. Remember, this supports the notion that he has not had much success with other women, and that he feels you are the best thing that's ever happened to him, AND that he has no idea why someone like you would still be with someone like him. This constantly pokes wounds at his insecurity and to heal those wounds he seeks out validation/attention from women and the need to make you jealous so you can also give him attention and validation.

It's really not something that's his fault, this is really the result of YEARS of his own life experience and is largely subconcious at this point. All of this adds up to a deep underlying fear that if you leave him, he probably, and most likely won't find anyone else; AND that you are perhaps a very high-quality woman, so he's a bit in awe as to why you're still with him, so this only motivates him to constantly be doing this.

Lastly, remember, he's never had much success with women, I think it all adds up and it's pretty evident, so now that he has you, women obviously have their guard down and are more open to talking with him, and even being a little playful with him, because they feel secure knowing that he has you and that he's not hitting on them. From his point of view, this is exactly the type of attention and validation from women that he never even dreamed of getting, he probably never got this kind of interaction with women his entire life, so this is his shattered mini-me male ego at an ego-thanksgiving party, and it's pigging out.

In short, I think if you were to both go to a psychologist or a couples' therapist, etc.. they would eventually tell him to be respectful of your feelings and try to think about "how would what i'm about to do/say make HER feel?" before he does/says anything.. on your end, they would probably tell you to just give him intermmitant bits of reassurance, validation, and constant attention.. notice how the reassurance and validation is not constant! It gains credibility and is more effective when it is intermmitant (is it more powerful if he calls you beautiful every day, or once during the week at a high-point?)

Important: This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, so I actually have a little sympathy for him, try to cut him some slack, despite what he's been doing, which is hurtful and unacceptable. In fact, he loves you so much it's hurting him, because his deep insecurities with himself as a man, and your level of quality as a woman, make him constantly have this fear of him losing you, which would mean the best thing from his life would have walked away, AND that he may actually never find someone else, ever, if you leave him. So he's not doing this because he hates you, it's actually a combination of the strong love he feels for you, and the fear caused by his insecurity.

[Gigabitch]

I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend insist that he act differently before. I've been quite shocked at the amount of training he's needed; the guy is 37 and has had many girlfriends. What were those slacking bitches doing, anyway? Their job was to be teaching him not to pull this crap.