Knowing it's the right thing, but hurting - well just because it always does

[ike]

Yesterday split, was dumped, realised I wasn't strong enough to end it myself, etc. etc. with girlfriend of almost four and a half years.

I know our relationship ended a long time ago for any one of a number of reasons we just never got round to not living in the same house. We've spent many many months living seperate lives, many many months before that getting frustrated and arguing about, well it doesn't matter.

I understand when somebody leaves with the suitcase and they aren't here any more and won't be coming back; I can't let myself think that if she did anything would get better, because we've talked about changing and understanding where we're both coming from, but yet our paths still drift further apart and the cold chill between us becomes colder and colder.

I've got been strong or confident enough to realise what we had a very long time ago won't ever return, nor is there any hope in thinking that even if it just got better, this would be OK, because that's not going to make either of us happy again.

I am unenvious about needing to gauge our contributions to how it didn't work and putting those things that I did wrong right for next time, but I'm not looking forward to having to try and wrestle with how much was me and how much wasn't - I guess though, that I might never be able to answer this question.

I still feel sick inside about the inevitable random 'meeting', the talks yet to be had about who wants what in the house. I know that's going to be one of the worst days of my life; even after having discussed the same thing about a year ago, but neither were brave enough to actually say the words "it really is over" and weren't strong enought to realise then was just as bad a time as any to stop what we were pretending was a relationship that could be saved or even brought any closer than the great distance which had grown between us.

I have this bubbling feeling of despair about how much this all hurts, I know i can rationalise today, tomorrow and for any amount of time, but the hurt remains and there's nothing I can do to ease the very slow healing I need to wrestle with - fighting all the stupid urges to want to ring when it's not going to do any good, sending the really really stupid messages or driving past where she now lives.

I have lost a very special person in my life, neither of us were perfect, she contributed as did I to the situation I'm now in, I'm not blind to the immediate replacement of me by somebody else, but it's too late to stop this and nothing I can do to prevent it if that's what she chooses or doesn't choose to do.

I wonder about what I'll do next, how much greater the feeling of hurt is going to get and what will happen tomorrow.....

[Tone]

I feel for you man... it's never an easy thing. But it DOES get better. Just take things one day at a time.

I liked your post, btw.

Just hang in there.The sun always comes out after the rain.

[ike]

Tone, thanks are in the post for the support and reassurance.

I know all the feelings I have now willl get better because I've already lived through that which is life following the breakdown of two other loved relationships.

My first serious relationship other than some short enjoyable times was a very very long time ago, we could probably only have been 17 at the time, she lived with her parents, I would visit and stay every Friday night, it was good, but hard when it came to an end.

At uni I met the love of my life, we were together through some very difficult times, we understood and could appreciate the hard times we'd both had through our childhoods, we were together for almost three and a half years. The night we met I was at home watching a film I think whilst some house mates were out at the student union. Which ever film I was watching was disturbed by the return of my two housemates with this girl, the most mint and perfect first glace I think I've ever had, beyond beautiful, petite, almost wild hair, very very fit in a small black top and these absolutely divine figure hugging brown trousers.

Having come back to our house because she'd lost her house mat at the bar in the union and been offered to be walked home by either one or both of my housemates who'd called in to do something or other, of which I have no recolection and don't care either way about remembering, our eyes met, we smiled and any hopes either might have had of getting more interested in or trying it on with her went completely out the window, we were perfect for each other for dozens and dozens of reasons. We hung out with each other for days and days, she'd stay over and I'd be the perfect gentleman and then one morning we said the words always uneasy at the end of our tongues, the rest is history and we were very very much in love with each other.

We understood each other better than any other person I think I've ever known - writing this whilst not bringing back any of those amazing experiences or cherished times can help me appreciate that what I'm having to do from yesterday forward, isn't the end of my world, only the gradual closing of another chapter in my life.

Tone, you've just managed to bring me a smile, albeit a small one to my face about reminding that life's not always going to be as hard as I think it is right now.

ooh and the alternative to sun after the rain is that it freezes and hundreds and hundreds of people all of a sudden go "aw look there's ice on the road, I must immediately frive at 1 mile an hour" and at all opportunity steer my vehicle towards any able bodied driver, who understands the requirements of subzero driving and the inevitable and always enjoyable sideways driving involved in getting from a to b when ice rink like under wheel.

[ike]

.....apologies for the sudden tangent that reply took, it did just distract me for a couple of minutes and I think while I can't keep distracting myself, because I need to get better after what always seems to get worse first, the more momentary distractions the better as far as I care.....

[Tone]

LoL it's all good man, it was a nice story of how you met.

You're going to be just fine. I know this. You know this. You will hurt for awhile, but let it hurt, it's in this time when you learn the most about yourself and what life is all about.

[ike]

you're so right, thinking about it, that story ranks up there very high with the best of my life. it's funny how from time to time it sometimes takes those things we struggle with most to make us realise how good so very many things other things are and can be.

[ike]

..... under my current circumstances I think that's probably the first time i've publicly described just how good that moment in which we met actually was, other than between myself and the woman I loved so much.

[ike]

I'd like to think one day in however long that might be after the hurt I'm feeling now doesn't seem so sharp, that i'll be better able to draw on the good and great times 'we' had up until yesterday, though right now they so seem such very long time ago.

[stoph8ting87]

you'll live through it man, ive been in your shoes before. i know it hurts. but like tone said it will get better one day at a time.

btw, your write marvelously, i feel like im reading a poetic book when i was reading your posts, which amazes me cuz i know there not spell checked, or grammer checked.

good luck

[jakki2903]

Try not to dwell on this two months. Time is a great healer and trust me I was one of those, most sceptical. You'll have another 'first time' meeting with someone equally as special, you'll feel a different love and a different bond. What always gets me through the pain of a break up is putting my fav song on at full blast and just enjoying life...we don't need a mate to make us feel good, we have to find that in ourselves. Good luck getting over the breakup!

[jakki2903]

Apols, I meant 'too much' not 'two months' - feeling under the weather!

[Tone]

btw, your write marvelously, i feel like im reading a poetic book when i was reading your posts

Yea, I agree.

[TAVS]

I too thought your first post was well written and a pleasure to read. I'm sorry for you man, but as you expressed it's for the better. Life is too short to live life in a mediocre relationship. When my Ex left me this spring after 4yrs together, it's the best thing that could have happened to me.

[Tone]

At the time it's always the worse, but after you've had time - you usually realize it's the best thing that could have happened. Not that it didn't hurt, nor that it wasn't hard... but it really does make you a stronger person to go through those things. What doesn't kill you just makes you stronger, so the more it hurts, the tougher you come out, IMO.

[ike]

Tone, stoph8ing87, jakki2903, TAVS, thank you all for the kind words of support, knowing at least somebody's reading the crap that comes from time to time so easily, yet at other times with such great pain and hurt, really makes me feel as though I'm not just talking to the 'puppy' and those other few people who're close to me.

It's now been 11 days since the lady I loved so much started me down a new road in my life, so quickly and in rhetoric over such a long time.

I feel as though i'm now living through much of which I've experienced before, only for different reasons, yet ultimatley there's nothing i can draw on to let me know it's not me that hasn't changed; only my own rationale for why i'm here now and the woman I've spent so much time with, isn't - and can no longer be.

I sent a message to a member of this forum today, questioning any right I have to post in this forum; having looked through a good couple of threads, they've bolsetered my feelings of old age and life experience, but only a little. There are people posting on this forum who're half my age, which is quite a scary thought. I suppose as long as at least one of you is prepared to read my rantings, all I can offer in return is that I keep doing what it is that I have been doing.

I'm not in any position to comment, but all I can say from my own experience is that I have lived through a lot in my life, much of it very good, some of it very bad, but mostly it's all mine, to draw and inflect from it, that which makes me grow and as Tone's said makes me stronger.

I felt crap on sunday, i've lived with the lady I still love for four and a half years, i'm not in any position to stop loving her as quickly as our relationship came to an end, but neither am I naive enough to think she's ever coming back, or thet even if she did, anything would be different, better, worse, or the same. I've felt crap again today. I know I'm going to feel crap for many days to come, but yes, time will ease the pain I am feeling now and heal my life in to the future.

I have looked through many 'words of wisdom' in the last eleven days, talking with my loved ones is great, but from time to time i've reminded myself through writings, that all of the good advice I've been told by these people can be read and that by reading things, I'm making it just that little bit easier to keep it in my mind.

You all have my regards for putting up with the wanten ramblings of a man only living with the hurt for as long as needs be, to let time do what it does best.

Ike