Lack of Honesty during Sex

[curiousgurl29]

This is a very confusing situation right now.

I had written a long time ago that I was confused about my romantic situation. I was with a boyfriend Juan from Colombia for 2 1/2 years in Colombia. I missed my family and I had doubts about my relationship, so I returned to the states December 2010. Since then, I have kept in contact with my ex. I actually went to even visit him in Colombia this past summer. I have felt anxious about our relationship for several reasons (distance, difficulty getting Visa without getting married, job prospects, etc.), but the main reason was sex. I was not sexually satisfied in the relationship, and I blamed it on him and his size. Superficial, I know, but trust me, I don't like that it is important to me either. I'm just being honest about how I felt and it's difficult to tell the thoughts creeping in your brain to go away.

Since then, I have started dating another very nice man Mike in the United States. Just a couple weeks ago, I completely broke it off (even friendship) with my ex-boyfriend in Colombia (not facebook friends) because I felt like it was the right thing to do. We have been in the state of in-between for several months now ,and I felt like I needed to make a decision to be fair to him. Since then, I have been spending a lot of Mike and having a lot of great sex. :/ BUT I had an epiphany the other day when I realized most of the sex problems have been actually MY issue in not being honest. With Mike, I have been much more open with trying different positions, telling him if I like something, or don't like something, etc. It wasn't a problem with Juan's body, rather my own lack of candidness. Honesty can be difficult for me in the bedroom, but I realize that it is the ONLY way if I am to have a successful relationship. Sex is very important to me, so I guess with Juan we just got into a rut and I was not being creative or open. I faked enjoyment much much more than I like to admit and that really made me sometimes resent our sex time together even though I realize now that it was not his fault!

So, now I am thinking about Juan a lot.... Thinking this was my fault for messing up things between us, because I wasn't honest during sex.

My question for you is: should I break it off with Mike if I'm still having thoughts about Juan? It was in some ways liberating to understand my own lack of honesty, as weird as that sounds, because I feel like I understand myself better and will be a better partner in the future! I am definitely not planning to contact Juan again, because I think I need to live with my decision for at least a few months. It's not fair to him to do this "back and forth" with my feelings. But I don't feel like my heart is open right now with Mike... What is the right thing to do in this situation?

[curiousgurl29]

Seriously? 29 views and no one will respond ?

[MerryH]

If you really feel you're being unfair to Mike, then you should break up with him. If it's just a casual fling with no real commitment, I don't see any good reason to break up with him, though. No commitment means that you're free to date others, so there's nothing wrong with thinking about your ex.

[steviej]

I remember about this and i still feel the same way now as then... Poor mike!! The guy seems to do everything right and you're still not happy, hell even giving you great sex and orgams isn't enough. I think even if his dick tasted of chocolate and ejaculated money you'd still be thinking the grass is greener in columbia.

Either work at the relationship or walk away for good.

[skydive88]

I agree with MerryH- if your relationship with Mike is casual, no need to break it off just yet. Are you sure the bad sex was the reason you broke it off with Juan? Sometimes that can be an easy thing to point to when there are other deeper things going on that are harder to put a finger on. Maybe bad sex was an easy excuse to get out of a relationship you subconsciously didn't want to be in anyway.

[bulrush]

BUT I had an epiphany the other day when I realized most of the sex problems have been actually MY issue in not being honest. With Mike, I have been much more open with trying different positions, telling him if I like something, or don't like something, etc. It wasn't a problem with Juan's body, rather my own lack of candidness.

This is a big breakthrough and I'm happy you figured this part out. Just keep this in mind: if you don't ask for it, you won't get it. If you ask for it, you will probably get it. Men naturally want their women to tell them what they like. Also in my other younger relationships, this lack of communication in the bedroom has been a major problem. I mean MAJOR problem. Now that I'm in my 40s, women are much more open about what they want in bed. One women actually claimed to be selfish (I saw it as being assertive), which really turned me on. She was a bit forceful, and really took charge, told me what to do, when, and how fast. It was really great!

I suppose many men fear being different, so they don't express their fantasy of having an assertive woman tell them how to do things. Some men don't have enough confidence to be with an assertive woman. But I love it.

As far as Juan goes, there are positions where he can have more friction on you. PM me for details if you want. There are also websites which list 100+ positions. Some very good for the woman. Just keep in mind long distance relationships almost never last, they are very difficult. A recent gf of mine was a 6 hour drive away. Though we Skyped once or twice a week, we only saw each other every 2 weeks.

Now use my comments to help you make a decision. We cannot decide for you.

[oneandonly]

....There are also websites which list 100+ positions....

wow you mean sexual positions? Gosh I've got about 97 positions to catch up with! lol! Can you not post the link on here?

[HeartIsAching]

[URL="http://www.google.com"]Here you go[/URL]

[curiousgurl29]

He does seem to be doing everything right, but I can't help how I feel. I wish i could change how I feel though. It would make everything simpler.

[curiousgurl29]

[QUOTE=bulrush;770919]This is a big breakthrough and I'm happy you figured this part out. Just keep this in mind: if you don't ask for it, you won't get it. If you ask for it, you will probably get it.

Thanks, bulrush. It was a big breakthrough for me! It is very difficult for us women to be assertive, I think, but I have to be if I am to be satisfied in the bedroom .I think it's great when people say that "sex is really not that important in a relationship." I mean, good for them. But I'm not one of those people that truly believes that. I think good sex is essential for a healthy relationship. As far as Juan, yes long distance is very difficult. I am going to stick with my decision of staying broken up for at least a few months.

[curiousgurl29]

I agree with MerryH- if your relationship with Mike is casual, no need to break it off just yet. Are you sure the bad sex was the reason you broke it off with Juan? Sometimes that can be an easy thing to point to when there are other deeper things going on that are harder to put a finger on. Maybe bad sex was an easy excuse to get out of a relationship you subconsciously didn't want to be in anyway.

Hi skydive88,

Interesting point. You're right-- sex is an easy thing to point to. There were other issues, certainly, in our relationship. Part of it was just a difficult long-distance situation.

[bulrush]

It was a big breakthrough for me! It is very difficult for us women to be assertive, I think,

Maybe that's because more women listen to society than men. I don't let society dictate too many things for me. Maybe that's why I'm happier and less screwed up.

[pisces25]

Wow CG i haven't been on here for about 3 months and you are still stuck on the Mike and Juan issue.

Sounds to me like you are very much in love with Juan and are looking for any reason to get back with him. Let poor Mike go.

[steviej]

This is an old thread, i'd be interested to know what she ended up doing!