How to handle breakup with somoene you're bound to run into?

[kene]

Soooo, I've joined this forum for complete random e-advice lol.

Met a girl at my condo gym:
.....we would see each other every weekend as we had same weekend workout schedule. I felt kind of awkward seeing someone so much without introducing myself so I did
+we started talking and it was great
+she asks me out
+we go out on first date and it's fantastic
+we continue to date and only having good times for about a month
Relationship is physical fast, getting intimate pretty darn quick (more her style than mine)

-all of a sudden she emails me saying she's not feeling what she should be to be in a full on relationship (we had been on a date two days prior and I thought we had a good time) and wants to turn it down a notch and just friends and see if we can develop heavy emotion by expanding our base
-I call her up and we briefly talk about it, during the convo she starts crying about being jaded over an ex that she was going to marry but got a job offer overseas and took it leaving her (now, the day before she told me she wanted to take it down a notch (and the day after our last date) she went to a wedding!)


This is where things get fuzzy:
For some reason I believe her in that she genuinely does like me so I say we can be friends and take it from there... she says "good" in a manner that I actually believe (in a sense that I don't think she's actually ending our interactions indirectly by saying let's take it down a notch hoping I say no and leave). I say in order to go through with this we have to 1) be open and honest with each other 2) if we have something important to say, we do it in person, not email (CAN'T STAND EMAIL for serious issues like this, I find it RUDE and COWARDLY!). She agrees.

Then immediately after she does actually initiate contact calling me and emailing me. But whenever I ask if we want to actually do something, it's a no. And she just seems a lot more self-absorbed and self-centered than before. But I can understand because she was going on a trip and would be busy.

Finally, before she had sent me that email about not feeling deep enough she had asked me to go to a party. I called her up and asked her if she still wanted me to go and she rather enthusiastically said yes--I felt this was the litmus test, if it goes through it means she's interested in being true friends, if not, she's not. For some reason, I expect I'm going to be somehow uninvited, and actually tentatively plan something else that night because for whatever reason my gut tells me I'm somehow going to be uninvited. Sure enough then the day of the party I got an email at work that at the end casually uninvites... says something to the effect "I'm only gonna stay a for a little bit so it's best if I go on my own, and I'm not ready for my trip". So, I was upset because it came across as an uninvite to me (ummm, Friday night packing for a trip on a Monday didn't sit well with me, especially because prior she had told me to mark this event on my calendar like it was gonna be pretty big, so a one drink and out type of thing I didn't believe) and I thought at a bare minimum one should say "I know you planned for this, but I think I should go on my own, but we'll make up for it some other time" or something to that effect.

Anyhow, I responded with an email saying it sounds like an uninvite to me which is rude. She doesn't respond.

So it's at this point that I say to myself this is just crap. So I try to invite her over to keep my word and say this isn't working, so let's break up all contact. Whenever I ask her if she can drop by my place (it's literally a one minute walk away) to do something on this day or that day, she does indeed reply, but just says "I'm busy". So finally I say in an email "why don't you pick a day then" to which I don't get an answer.

I respond again saying basically act your age, and she responds saying I'm being rude and she won't talk to me with that attitude. The way I see it, she's just deliberately baiting me to do something not nice and then exploit it to twist things around like I'm a bad guy because really she doesn't want anything to with me any more but doesn't have the courage to just outright say it. Then she says I need to move on (because she was under the impression that want I wanted to talk about was me wanting her back or something when in reality I wanted to tell her to stay away). I respond saying the reason why I wanted to talk was because I wanted to cease any interaction between the two of us, and I wanted to tell you in person (like we had promised to do). I never got a response.

So, as it stands now, I really think this person is trash. It's because she did this crying thing/act of let's be friends, said she would be open and honest etc, and I just think it was all bullcrap! And I'm mad at myself for going along with that crap, and feel insulted because I think she thinks I'm stupid enough to believe her BS.

Problem is we're both gymrats and in our little facilities we're bound to run into each other. I don't know how to act. I dislike this person enough that I just think I can't resist acting rudely to them. Maybe that makes me a jerk, but I do feel she's very rudely twisted things around and lied to me after promising she wouldn't.

Anyhow, I want advice on this:
1) do you think I have a right to be mad at her for the uninvite?
2) do I have a right to brush her off or tell her to screw off if she tries to talk to me?
3) do you think I was just some guy being used to try to get over her ex? (she would also wake up in the middle of the night as if having a scare, which I know wonder is because sleeping with me reminded her of sleeping with her ex)


And yes, I have a tendency to attract screwed up women!

[Dasein]

What the heck does this mean "just friends and see if we can develop heavy emotion by expanding our base ". If I understand more of what she was asking then I can give a better appraisal.

Firstly I think you did the wrong thing by jumping straight from sex to friend. There needs to be a space in between where you can get rid of that feeling. If this girl is telling you the truth about her past then she is dealing with a lot of stuff at the moment and it was unwise of her to get involved with anyone. I have a feeling that she was after a warm body to cushion the fall.

Yes you have a right to be a little miffed about the uninvite but I think that after that happened you should have taken the high road. Let her know politely that your friendship isn't working out. If you happen to cross paths maybe nod or acknowledge her but don't get into a conversation. If she tries to talk or get you to explain just reinterate "I'm sorry but I don't think being friends is a good idea at this time."

If you act rude, pissed off, angry in her mind it will give her ammo.."I'm glad I never went out with HIM." If you act respectfully and with dignity then hopefully she will see the error of her ways ie that you can't play around with people's emotions.

[starbuck]

Anyhow, I want advice on this:
1) do you think I have a right to be mad at her for the uninvite?
2) do I have a right to brush her off or tell her to screw off if she tries to talk to me?
3) do you think I was just some guy being used to try to get over her ex? (she would also wake up in the middle of the night as if having a scare, which I know wonder is because sleeping with me reminded her of sleeping with her ex)

And yes, I have a tendency to attract screwed up women!

1) Yes you do have a right to feel irritated by this. She blew you off to go to the party by herself, which probably means that she wanted to be available to meet other men that night. However, the problem with anger is that holding onto it isn't really going to do you any good. It's probably only going to cause you to "demonize" her, possibly creating more anger and outrage at her behavior. It will also make you want to engage in a fight with her at the gym when really what you need to be doing is moving on from the whole mess and refusing to give her the time of day. The best thing to do is just drop the anger. She's not an evil person, just a flaky woman who doesn't know what she wants and is horrible at communicating with people.

2) You can tell her to screw off if you'd like. But again, if you get angry, it might send her the message that you are still emotionally engaged with her. That engagement could make her feel like you're stuck on her, and feed her ego. This is NOT what you want at this point. You just want to be able to see her at the gym and have it not be awkward. So, don't make it awkward. Be distantly polite. It will not only help you calm your anger, but will give her no ammo to try to make you seem like a bad guy (as Dasein suggested)

3) It's certainly a possibility that you were rebound guy, but why conjecture at this point? Just move on from her. It was a relationship that went badly...that's all. Better to just cut your losses and go find some other women to date.

And welcome to LF! If you have a tendency to attract screwed up women, keep sticking around and maybe you can find things here that will help you break that pattern. Unless of course, you want to keep dating the crazy.

[kene]

Well, at the time, that stuff about expanding our base I interpreted it as meaning us having gone too far too fast and we should spend less time with the physical and more with the emotional.... basically get to know each other better. I guess that's why in my head I didn't think I was jumping straight from sex to friend. I didn't interprete it as let's JUST be friends with a cap on it at that level. Not sure if that makes much sense. In hindsight, I think it was just what a confused person says.

I should have taken a higher road for the uninvite I agree.... for whatever reason though that just really hits me in a bad spot. One of those things you just don't do. I really didn't give my full full opinion on it unitl later.

Anyhow, the other thing I struggle with is I'm a very nice person (I'm not just saying that, I really am). I mean, to give an example, I would never uninvite even someone I just consider an acquaintance .... and I think people at times try to walk over me or treat me like some sort of a doormat which is a mistake, but I when I feel like someone is taking their liberties with me I can get quite abrasive and stand up for myself. So yeah, once I find myself being treated in a way I cold never picture myself treating someone else, it's a sign for me to move on which is what I tried to do.


I guess my other "problem" is I have a fanatical desire to end things on proper terms, which as said usually entails a face-to-face meeting. I guess I look at it this way, if you find another job you tell your boss about it face to face and say thanks, you don't just send an email. A relationship is that times 100.

[kene]

OH, and I forgot to mention, I ran into her yesterday at the gym.... she made a bee-line straight for the exit!!!

[starbuck]

I guess my other "problem" is I have a fanatical desire to end things on proper terms, which as said usually entails a face-to-face meeting. I guess I look at it this way, if you find another job you tell your boss about it face to face and say thanks, you don't just send an email. A relationship is that times 100.

Yes, but work is work, and usually there aren't the same emotions involved. You don't tell your boss you're quitting, only to find your boss responding by crying for an hour or marching straight to your cubicle and trashing all your stuff. Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get my point right?

However noble it is to want to break things up face-to-face and tie things up in a neat little package (hehe, I'm saying this alot today...It's my new favorite expression), it's not always the best way to go. You said yourself that you may not be able to resist getting angry with her. Why cause the drama? You know that you're a nice guy, you really don't have to prove it to her.

[kene]

Yes, but work is work, and usually there aren't the same emotions involved. You don't tell your boss you're quitting, only to find your boss responding by crying for an hour or marching straight to your cubicle and trashing all your stuff. Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get my point right?

However noble it is to want to break things up face-to-face and tie things up in a neat little package (hehe, I'm saying this alot today...It's my new favorite expression), it's not always the best way to go. You said yourself that you may not be able to resist getting angry with her. Why cause the drama? You know that you're a nice guy, you really don't have to prove it to her.

With me it's 100% the right way to go. As sure as the sun rises in the east, if we spoke in person as requested there would be no way either of us would be feeling worse going out than in.

And you're right, there's not the same emotion in work as in a personal relationship, but to me that makes it MORE important to meet in person ... it's odd, but it's just the way I'm wired. I truly can't help it, it's just the way I am. From past experience, nobody has cried, and even if one or both of us did, what's the crime in that? I don't believe in holding in tears, people are better off getting it out of their system or just letting their emotions be.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, I ran into her AGAIN at the gym today. It was pretty busy. With a lump in my throat I approached her and said "No hard feelings about what happened, o.k.?" and extended my hand. She said "ok" and we shook. I didn't apologize about some of the not nice things I said, for I believe everything I said wouldn't take any of it back, it was the truth.

I walked off. And I feel 10000% better right now.

Oh, I wanted to say thanks, because you put it right when you said "The best thing to do is just drop the anger. She's not an evil person, just a flaky woman who doesn't know what she wants and is horrible at communicating with people."

That was right on the money. If I could describe her in one sentence, that would be it. Kind of weird that someone who's never met the gal could put it better than I could.

[starbuck]

Good. I'm glad it went well, Kene. I also am not against breaking up in person. In fact, this is preferable to me as well. Especially in a longer relationship.

But there are certain situations in which it's not productive. If it's a fling or likely to cause a big ugly fight, I don't always think it's necessary. It just depends on the situation.

[kene]

Yeah, I wouldn't consider the need to break up after a fling.... not a relationship in my book. I think the thing about this case is we actually did promise each other we would do it in person before hand and there was no reason why that promise needed to be broken. Anyhow, I'm glad I got what I wanted/needed.