Why wouldn't he admit he cheated?

[ELJ55]

Male input here would be awesome:

I just left my bf of nearly 2 years recently (we were serious and were talking of marriage and kids for a long time). He never admitted to cheating, though he admitted he was having a very inappropriate relationship with his ex behind my back.

Among other problems we were having, I picked up on a lot of signs that pointed to cheating...

He had an ex (from a couple years ago) who was still desperately in love with him. I would see her name on his caller ID... home and cell. Plus, she would send him cards for every flipping holiday. I even saw a card from her for Halloween. She would send him cards congratulating him on career successes, birthdays, etc. I admit I was a little nosy because I didn't know her intentionsg, so I would read the cards when he was in the shower or something. They were FAR from the acceptable friendship type words. She would write about how much she loved him, how amazing he was, how she would always be there, etc. I am really understanding, so I'm like, whatever they're friends. But I, naturally, noticed anything that had to do with her because the red flags were popping up. I kept thinking, I trust him. He'll make it clear to her that he's in a serious relationship with another woman and that they don't have a future together. Plus, I wasn't finding anything from him to her.

He also had a picture up in his living room of them when they were together for a long time - I'm talking over a year into our relationship. I was trying to be patient, thinking, "whatever, he just doesn't remember that it's there." But then I noticed that it was flipped on its face one day. So I was like, why the hell didn't he just put it away. I certainly don't care that he has it, but when you're talking to your girlfriend about getting married and starting a family soon, pictures with old loves shouldn't be up.

I kept convincing myself that I was just paranoid. Then, I found a card from her for his birthday calling him her sweetheart and saying intimate things like "let's enjoy our time together." Plus I found brand new condoms in his bedside table, would have been a pack of 12 and 4 were missing (This is extremely suspicious because we haven't used condoms for over a year and a half. Not a single one, and they were bought after that point). I wanted to give him a chance to explain things first so I went to him and said... "I trust you, but I just need to ask you for piece of mind. Can you please explain this to me? Why is she writing to you like this and why do you have these condoms?" He said she was still in love with him and she didn't really have any friends and her brother just got cancer, so he was trying to be a good friend but that he was absolutely NOT sleeping with her. I asked him why he was keeping her love letters, and allowing her to write such intimate things to him. He said he didn't know, but he'd get rid of them. About the condoms, he was like, "why would I buy condoms? we don't use them. I don't know where they came from." He said possibly when his friend and his gf stayed at his house when we were gone once, maybe he'd left them in the guest room and the cleaning lady put them in the bedside table. He seemed so honest and sorry for hiding his friendship with his ex that I believed him and tried to work it out.

Then shortly after that, one night was at his house before he got home from work, I opened his laptop to check my email. His browser was still open, and I admit opened his email and searched for emails from his ex. There were emails going all the way back to the start of our relationship. Although it seemed many were deleted, the ones that were there were awful. Pictures of her kissing him on the cheek, plans to go to the theater together, she sent him pictures of her and he was telling her how beatiful she was, and even one from just a couple months ago with her talking about how she will be there for him for forever and how amazing he is... and he responds, "I love you sweetie, I'll call you when I get home."

I told him I saw them and was leaving him. He got down on his hands and knees and begged me to stay. Saying how we were meant to be, that he never cheated, yes he messed up by being her friend, but I was always the only girl in his life. I told him I saw an email from her thanking him for "coming over last night" and that she was sorry they slept in their clothes, even their socks. He swore up and down that I must have read the date wrong, that it never happened. (But I probably looked at the date a hundred times and saw that it was during our relationship). But he seemed soooooo genuine and soooo heartbroken that I decided to stay in it, but I said I would need to see it again to confirm that I misread the date. When I asked just a few days later to see the email because it was still on my mind and bothering me, he blew up and said I was going to beat him up for his mistakes for the rest of his life and refused to show me the email. He yelled at me, saying he didn't want me going through his emails again and that he'd deleted them anyway. Again, I said I just wanted to work through it and that I thought he wasn't being fair expecting me to just be over it and not needing to talk about it even just a few days later.

We were trying to work through it, and I had told myself that i would just assume that he had cheated and try to work past it. But I kept having a hard time feeling like we could start fresh when deep down I felt like he was still lying to me. I came to him and said that I understood if he wasn't admitting the last bit - that he'd actually slept with her- because he felt that I'd never be able to stay with him. I said that I didn't make my promises of being with him forever lightly and that I was willing to try to work past it. So I said, "If you were worried that I wouldn't be willing to work through this if you admitted to sleeping with her, I just want you to know that I am still." I wanted to give him an opportunity to feel safe enough to admit it. But he didn't... in fact he again blew up at me for asking him "a million times" if he'd cheated on me. (This is only a couple weeks later, mind you).

Anyway, he was so unwilling to help me through it, I left him. Except for right at the beginning, he didn't seem to worry about making me feel better. It was all about how hurt he was that I'd left and how he needed me in his life because he didn't know what to do without me. He turned everything on me saying that I was being too hard on him and was going to beat him up for it for the rest of his life. I was devastated that he came back to me, crying, begging for me to come back to him saying that he would do anything and everything for the rest of his life to make up for it. But then when I did, he pushed me away, saying he then needed to decide if he wanted to be with me because it was too hard to deal with getting through it, that I was being too unfair. (Which is so not true. It had only been a couple of weeks, and I always just tried to talk about it and ask questions because I wanted to know why it happened and how he knew that it wouldn't happen again).

Anyway. I ended up leaving him and he begged me to come back, but would never admit that he cheated. And he seems so geniuine and heartfelt, I really want to believe him, but I think I'd be a fool. All my friends, my mother... everyone says he probably did and that he'd never admit to it. WHY???!!!! I was willing to accept what happened and move forward, but not if I was going to be in denial the whole time!

If you can all weigh in... it seems like he cheated right? (Aside from all this, he was always really guarding his phone keeping the password lock on at all times and never sharing it with me. He also never shared facebook or email passwords... not that I even wanted them, but over the course of a couple years, I had given him some of my passwords as things came up and I needed him to print something from my email etc)

Why would he be so heartfelt and genuine, lying to my face though? I never yelled at him or called him names. I never accused him, I just asked him to explain. I don't get it. First, you all agree that he probably cheated, right? Then why in the end couldn't he do the honorable thing and admit it to me? I had already explained that I loved him, knew he loved me and was willing to work past it. I feel like I'm just in denial if I tell myself he was telling the truth and didn't cheat, but can't imagine him to be able to look me straight in the eyes and deny it when he knew in his heart he was lying. I could NEVER do that to him (well.. I would never have cheated on him either).

Your thoughts?

[SirWagginston]

He's living in a dream world in which he needs and deserves to have both of you. I would argue that he's a sociopath; he "sincerely" broke down apologizing in a frantic rush to salvage the situation. He was so convincing to you because that's what sociopaths are good at: manipulating the emotions of others to serve themselves. When you persisted in asking about the probable fact of his cheating, he became angry because you continued to threaten his little reality, even after he gave what was probably his best possible display of love and regret.

[QueenofCorona]

People are strange and have many different definitions of what defines "cheating." Some people feel its only well, I did this and this but I didn't do this so technically I didn't cheat. He's probably one of them or he's delusional and feels he can turn this around on you if you are weak enough.

The situation reminds of that FRIENDS episode where Ross slept with that girl, because he assumed the break they were taking meant break up and she didn't.

Blah. Be strong. I doubt he'll ever fess up to cheating so you need to decide if you can live with that. If you can live with the fact that he chooses to not rehash things as part of the healing of your relationship. He wants to sweep this under the rug and you need to talk about it. I think he's feeling ashamed of what he's done and thats also part of it. I think he owes it to you to talk about what you need to if you are going to move forward but its sounding like that won't happen. Seems like he's pretty damn selfish and "my way or the highway" in his thinking.

[cmacattack1]

He is trying to rationalize it in his head that he deserves it and that he will be a better person. Without actually doing it. I remember begging when my ex left me too and it was really selfish because I was just pissing her off and making her more hurt and pushing her farther away because I NEEDED her. Nobody likes the feeling of being needed. And judging by the selfishness of it, although he is incredibly emotional, he won't learn unless you really let him go.

So you don't have a video tape of them together. No really hard evidence to rub in his face. You do however have enough to know he was being dishonest and deceitful by what he is doing and saying to her. It's wrong, and he's taking it as an ego boost.

He has to learn the hard way. It worked for me getting brutally dumped on my ass and when she resisted all the pathetic attempts for me to get back with her, it finally sunk in.

[1337lizard]

Hey if you're single I'll gladly date you. All things considered I'm surprised you handled that so well and tried so hard for someone that betrayed you like that. That kind of devotion is an amazing quality to find in a woman.

Yes he cheated on you. The odds are right around 99%. And let's face it, even if he hadn't slept with her what he was doing was still cheating. I personally don't consider kissing and screwing to be the only two things that can be considered cheating, do you? At the very least he was extremely unfaithful. Now after reading this I can tell you're a lot like me where you're always willing to try to work it out and give a second chance but for the love of god don't give him a second chance.

Now into his psychy: it probably started out innocuously enough but soon enough he crossed a line and didn't know what to do so he continued. After not getting caught for awhile he relaxed and continued on and inevitably he got caught. So what happens when he gets caught? Deer in headlights! Freezes up and responds initially by pleading when you confront him. Even after you tell him you know about it all he deletes the evidence or at least hides it as a sort of late response. This is also indicative that you didn't find everything(and that he lied about the date). He then responds defensively when you question further because he feels that if you know the extent of it all you may very well leave. This is not a man who is very good at thinking ahead. He responds to your demands by panicking and lashing out verbally. If he was telling the truth and had nothing else to hide, that would never have happened. He would have simply handed you the laptop and answered your questions. So yes, he did cheat. I'm sad for you that he was able to lie so well to you

You were right to leave him dove. You deserve a man who would never even consider doing that to you.

[Incognito]

First off, I'm a man. Second, I agree with most of the responses here and I'll add my name to the list who applaud you leaving him. I believe that you asked "why" he wouldn't admit to cheating. I think its quite simple. He wanted you to stay, but didn't want to to have an actual admission of guilt from him. Some people just can't stand to be wrong. What is more is that some people (like him) know they are wrong, but don't want anyone else to know so that their error can't be pionted at in the future. If you go back to him and he didn't confess you would have no real evidence to point to in the future when his actions look suspicious again. Here is exactly how the conversation would go:

You: You're locking your phone again and running to get the mail before I can just like last time. What's going on? Are you cheating on me again?
Him: Again? You just won't let that die will you? I never said that I cheated! You did! Every time I spend more than 10 minutes out of your sight you accuse me of cheating AGAIN, when it never happened in the first place!

Of course it would get worse from there, but you get the idea. He'd use your lack of evidence as ammunition against you, and to steer attention away from whatever suspicious activities he is currently engaged in. You don't need that kind of drama in your life. Don't allow his sorry, lying, cheating, manupulating ass back into your life.

[ELJ55]

Thank you all for such kind words. First, have no fear, I have left him for good. And though he's not bothering me right now, I very much expect him to repeat his pattern and be back to begging me sometime soon. But thanks to my amazing network friends and family, and my self respect, he will no longer be hurting me. (We've all placed friendly wagers on how many days it will take for him to come back and call me). But in the end, I just don't care anymore.

It was definitely a humbling experience for me. I had never had my heart seriously broken before and I'd always fooled myself into believing that I was certainly smart enough to see that type of deception coming a mile away. But even if someone would fault me for just blindly trusting and believing what someone said, I would never want to change, even after all this pain. He seemed to be everything I wanted and knew I deserved... charming, generous, brilliant, successful, handsome, magnetic and just plain fun to be around. Some of the greatest heartbreak came from remembering the amazing times we shared together, and the intimate/romantic loving words and looks he'd give me, then realizing that none of it was real.

Somewhere inside him, he geniunely knows that he could never find another woman like me, and I'm hoping for his sake, seeing me walk away will teach him that lesson so he can actually be happy someday. I knew I deserved more and better than what he was giving me (and frankly, that there were others out there who would be willing to give me better) but one of the reasons I stayed in so long is that I really wanted it to come from him... I wanted him to be the one that gave me what I deserved. I kept believing he'd wake up and see it before it was too late, but as my friend told me, don't wait on the expectation that someone will change... you'll always be disappointed. (Funny, I've even given that advice to my friends on occasion. But you don't honestly know what it means until you go through it yourself).

And to answer your questions, capital Y-E-S. Even if he didn't actually sleep with her, I knew and felt it was very much still cheating. That's why I kept trying to talk to him and ask so many questions... because in order to move on, I NEEDED to hear and see him acknowledge that. And he never did. Although he acknowledged that it was wrong of him to hide a relationship from me, he never acknowledged that it was more than just "being there" for a friend. And he couldn't handle facing up to that, so now he has his pride/denial (or whatever), but he doesn't have me. And I am now free to move on and find someone who is worthy of what I have to offer.

Again, thank you all for your thoughts! Feel free to chime in if you have more. And good luck to you all!!

[Incognito]

Are you free tomorrow night? LOL. I kid I kid. You'll be very happy one day, and from the looks of it whomever you date or marry will be one lucky man.

[SirWagginston]

It's also worth noting that sociopaths thrive on moral superiority. I think that's why so many serial killers turn out to be boy scouts, church group leaders, or some other type of role model: just like hurting others and getting away with it boosts the ego, so does having the moral high ground. Confronting your ex on his lies put him in an impossible situation: if he admitted to cheating, he could continue to receive the attention of more than one girl, but then his moral superiority would vanish. You forced him to give up one or the other, and it's not surprising that he reacted with anger.

[1337lizard]

Are you free tomorrow night? LOL. I kid I kid. You'll be very happy one day, and from the looks of it whomever you date or marry will be one lucky man.

She's mine bitch. Back off.

[OneQuestion]

He cheated... I have the same thing in my relationship.... Me and my fiance broke up for a month(during our 6 year relationship so far)... during that month, we got back together atfter 2 weeks, but she hadn't moved back in, we were only 'dating'.. But she said were WERE DATING... anyways, during this dating period my GF lied about a few things(about staying home to sleep - but I drove by her house, her car was gone at 3:30AM... I thought she was HOME SLEEPING)... I also read some concerning texts, but nothing that said anything too specific, but I was sure... The thing is, we weren't fully back togheter I guess, she hadn't moved back in.. but.. I felt like she cheated... I asked her later if she slept with anyone when we were separated(after she moved back in).. she told me NO, she never slept with anyone since the first time we had sex over 5 years ago... She was SOO convincing... I still don't believe her...

Anyways... You are good that you left, as your relationship was easy enough to leave. He cheated, for sure, you have proof there, proof without a doubt... I don't have proof without a doubt, but pretty close... however, I am engaged to this girl... yet these thoughts HAUNT ME EVERY DAY. This is MY FIRST SEX, she was my first and is my one and only, so I can't leave her... But these thoughts KILL ME ever day! Even though I know she has been faithful the last 1.5 years(since the breakup period), and she was faithful during the years before that... but still, these thoughts HURT ME ALL THE TIME.

So, I am saying I guess, that it is good you left him, because these thoughts would HAUNT YOU for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! I am stuck in this position, but I love my girl soo much, I have to hope she doesn't do it again and stay with her. You got out, leave those fealings behind and find someone new!

[ELJ55]

OneQuestion:
First of all, how dare you come in here and minimize my (or anyone’s) problems. It is both completely disrespectful and selfish. Making the ultimate decision to leave my relationship was not, as you put it, “easy enough.” Every person who arrived at this site had a moment in their lives where they felt so lost they needed to reach out to perfect strangers just for advice. You need to respect that and be sensitive even when you feel the answer is clear. Your hijacking of that advice and support in a “you think you have it bad, listen to me” manner is very childish and immature.

Now. You want my advice on your situation? Too bad, you’re going to get it. You need to take some time to do some serious self examination. I don’t believe you love your fiancé as deeply as you think you do. If you did, you would realize that she deserves someone better than how you’re treating her. You would either shape up and be the man you think you are (because you’re not right now), or you will let her go and find a man who is (as she deserves). I would never want to marry someone who was harboring resentment towards me for things I did in my past or current and unresolved problems in our relationship.

You think you’re making the ultimate sacrifice by staying with her despite your obvious discontent. Wake up, you have a choice to make. One options is, you can maintain your current status quo and marry a woman that you have deep unresolved issues with… and they are unresolved if they haunt you. This is not the “true love” you so adamantly preach of on the forum. Eventually those problems will surface and you’ll be left explaining to the woman you “love” that you haven’t respected her all these years because you thought she was lying the whole time, when in fact, she may have been perfectly faithful. And that is NOT fair to her.

But maybe she did cheat on you. Maybe she regrets it and would never do it again. Fine. Sometimes how happy we are at the end of the day depends on our ability to forgive. As option two, you can make the decision that you’re going to stand by her and all her faults, and be a bigger man and forgive. Forgive does NOT mean that you merely just don’t talk about it. It means that eventually you don’t need to think about it because you’ve worked through it. Saying you’ve forgiven her but then letting that resentment fester so that it “kills” or “haunts” you “every day” is again unfair to her. If you can’t find it in you to forgive and move on, you need to let her know. If you love her that much, acknowledge that she deserves to be with a man who is honest and excited to share every day with her. Not someone who sits at his computer and writes to the world, “I am stuck in this position.” Being in love with someone should not feel like you’re trapped and she deserves to know if you feel that way. Good luck.

[ELJ55]

1337Lizard/Incognito:
Haha! Now you're just stroking my ego gentleman. Plus, it would never work, I'm on the west coast. But thanks for making me smile!!

[SirWagginston]

I live on the West Coast!