Most might not agree but something doesnt feel finished about this

[banser123]

Hello all, I posted before about a problem with my ex, also a coworker and good friend. Its long and complicated and alot of people told me to forget her.
Well after 3 months I finally spoke to her about what happened. The results werent what I wanted to hear but something doesnt feel right.

She told me the reason she is being distant with me is because she doesnt want to lead me on. She says she is really embarrassed as to how she handled things and its easier for her to let it be. She likes me and doesnt want to hurt me. She feels as tho it cant be the same and there is no chemistry. I dont understand because she was the one who asked to date me and came on strong to me. I told her that I really did miss her as a friend too and that I feel like by her keeping her distance seems like she doesnt care about me or our friendship. I told her that now she has warned me about how she feels and that why cant we be friends, Im ok with it, or at least want to try. I know she is not in another relationship nor will she be soon and if she was she is not the type to talk about it and make me feel bad. I respect that so I think we can be friends again but it seems like she doesnt want to. Again, I told her not to worry about leading me on.

We ended the conversation on good terms and I told her that I would like to still hang out and be friends and wont consider it leading me on but she really didnt respond either way. Then I remembered that she owed me a little money that I forgot to ask her about. So I texted her, about 2 hours after we finished talking, and reminded her of the money (its not a lot, just the principle of her remembering). She said she will pay me then we started to text about work and asked how each other has been. To make a long story short, we texted for 4 hours and she told me her son, who had surgery recently, asks about me and no one had visited him, he is confined to his home for a few months.
I asked her to let me know when and if she is ready and I will come to see him, if she was ok with that.
I also said I think he is mad at me for not coming around anymore. So I told her Im sure he is upset and she said no he would love to see me and to come by whenever I like. She said he asks about me alot. I thought this was weird because she doesnt want to lead me on or hang out, and she knows her kids were attached to me and really liked me, why would she want me to come by. This doesnt make sense to me.
I know she is alone, she feels isolated at work and doesnt have too many friends and needs help. I know she is not happy. Im telling her that Im ok with being her friend, and its the truth. So why is she so hesitant? And why does she invite me to see her kids, which I know in the past she has been very sensitive with them being attached to me if nothing was going to progress with us.. Please help with your thoughts

[girl68]

She asked you to come over to visit her sick son. Wake up, the kid wants someone to visit him, and since he's worse of then usual (happy, mobile kid) she would like to give him something, someone to make him happy. That's why she asked you to come visit.

I think you need to get over her first and foremost. You may say you're good to go to be just friends but until you actually believe that you don't want her, crave her, need her in your life- "just friends" isn't possible.

I think the reason she's so hesitant is that in your talks never have you said that the feelings you once felt have diminished. And for that she's probably still thinking that you like her. And no amount of reassuring her that she isn't going to be leading you on is going to change that in her head. [I believe] You have to show her that you're done with your feelings and that yes, you can be just a friend.

[banser123]

How can I show her. She has to believe me. If I get hurt in the future then its my fault, not hers because she told me how she feels and I decided to be friends. I really feel as tho by her being so hesitant and distant she really doesnt care for our friendship, and that hurts. I cant just turn off my feelings, this is true, but I can try to be her friend. At least that will make me feel better that she liked my company and I wont feel used.
Thats kind of insulting that she chooses to be alone in hardship than have a friend.
And as far as her son goes, why isnt she scared that he might get attached again by seeing me. He used to tell me to marry her and move in with them. He really liked me and i know he is upset with me because she is not going to tell him its her fault that i am not coming around anymore.
To me, by her asking me to come visit the son doesnt make any sense after she just told me she didnt want to hang out or get together anymore

[girl68]

No matter what you say it is uncomfortable for me (and given what you said probably her) to hang out with a guy who love/ likes me and I don't return those feelings. And there isn't one darn thing you can do to make it okay.

I really dislike hanging out with guys who like me and I don't like them back. It makes me feel akward. I cannot control why I feel like this but I do. I pull away. It's always been like this.

I know this may hurt the man, but in the long run I feel like I am setting him free. I also want to make him realize that he should no longer possess feelings for me. I do this by pulling away, stop talking to him, avoiding him... all those things you describe... that's what I do. I do not intend to hurt these guys by doing this, but I can see how it could hurt him. But to me, there is no other way.

The above isn't advice but hopefully it will help you understand.

As for her son, I don't have kids but perhaps I can shine some light on a kid who's mom dates men. Yes, kids can get attached obviously. But perhaps this time she has explained that you are just her friend, or you are just the childs friend... not 'mommy's new husband". Do you know if she has explained anything to this kid?

As for her inviting you... in her mind, inviting you over to visit sick son is not the same as hanging out/ getting together. To you it is... to her it is very different. Just look at it from another angle. You're seeing things differently from her...

[tasha1133]

like girl68 I would have to agree, there doesn't seem to be anything confusing at all, you just seem to be reading everything the wrong way and injecting meaning into things that shouldn't mean anything at all. Her actions seem totally understandable. I suggest that you simply have to get over this and stop injecting meaning into the whole thing, because until you do, there isn't room for the "friendship" you say your willing to offer.

[IndiReloaded]

Stop using her kid as an excuse to get to her. If she is okay with it, and you want to do it, then go visit. Be a friend.

But do it b/c you care, without an ulterior motive or expectations. If you can't do this, then don't go.

I agree, women will sometimes break contact with a male 'friend' if she knows or suspects he's holding a torch for her. Sometimes 'cruel to be kind' is the only option for some.

[banser123]

Hey Indiload, how do you know I am using her kid as an excuse. She told me he was home not feeling good and no one has come to visit, thats why I asked to come by to see him. For him. Ok. And she was happy and told me to come whenever I like because he would be glad to see me. And that made me wonder because she knows they get attaached to me and I wonder why she would want me to go visit and get them wondering about me again. Does that make sense to you now Indiload?
She also texted me last night asking me why I look out for her and help her. I told her its because I care about her. I asked her if that bothered her because of our current situation. She said no, that she thinks its nice and she appreciates it.
Despite what people say, I know her the best and I know she has a lot of hardships to deal with and YES I would like to help her and be her friend. I can handle it and it would show me that she does appreciate me as opposed to cutting me out of her life.

[IndiReloaded]

Will you still keep visiting her son when this gal hooks up with a new BF/husband (not you)?

That's how I know.

[banser123]

She is not with anyone right now. Why bring up possible future situations, I am talking about now. And she tells me that her son was lonely, thats why I offered in the first place. I didnt use him as an excuse, I have a heart.
So you dont really know. If you want to give your opinion fine, but dont talk like you know for sure, thats ignorant

[IndiReloaded]

You didn't answer the question. Interesting.

You might wonder why noone else is posting in your thread.

Anyway, good luck. Remember: friend don't want to fcuk their friends.

[banser123]

Of course I will be inclined to visit him more now as opposed to in the future if she had a boyfriend, but how is thst using him as an excuse. What your saying doesnt make any sense.
This forum is designed for help and support not for some wise guy attitude, keep it to yourself buddy.

[IndiReloaded]

Of course I will be inclined to visit him more now as opposed to in the future if she had a boyfriend

Well, there it is.

How is thst using him as an excuse. What your saying doesnt make any sense.

It makes perfect sense. So does the fact you are getting upset by my telling you so. Somewhere, in some dark space you know I am right. Her kid is a tool you can use to wedge yourself into her life. If you actually cared, you wouldn't let him get that attached to you. She should already be doing this, especially since she doesn't want a relationship with you, but clearly she isn't that mature.

This forum is designed for help and support not for some wise guy attitude, keep it to yourself buddy.

Thanks for the reminder (roll eyes). I don't suppose it occurs to you that every time I bump your thread its an invitation to get some of our other regs to post their take on your situation as well?

Anyway, your other new threads are starting to make me think you're on the verge of stalker/psycho about this subject. Its already clear you aren't 'just friends'.

I will say again: Friends don't want to fcuk friends. If it helps, tho, others can tell you this also.

- bump -

[Gigabitch]

You're not a "friend". You're an ex. You've made it abundantly clear that you're harboring a romantic interest in this person, so why try to make it sound like anything else?

You're fooling exactly one person. Want to guess who it is?