How do I get my ex-girlfriend back?

[pisces7378]

8 months ago, my girlfriend and I broke up. It lasted 9 months, and for 8 of the 9 months we never argued or anything. But then when she lost her job, we broke up after a huge fight about doing the dishes. Obviously that fight wasn't about the dishes. So she stormed off. For three or four weeks I tried calling, texts, letters, whatever... she was cold as ice. She just kept repeating that "we just can't be together". She never gave me a single real reason. I had to piece together what I assume was her reasoning.

So after 8 months of total silence, she shows up on my porch with a bottle of wine. We drank it together, and she cried and basically begged me to be "friends" with her. She told me that she was lonely, had no friends, and missed me so much!!! I told her that there was no way I was going to be friends with her.
Now, looking back, I can't tell if she was trying to ask me if I want her back. I was just so adamant about not being "friends" with her. She is "friends" with every single ex-boyfriend she has ever had. Maybe for some people, and depending on how the relationship ends... but there is no way I could sit by and be her friend while she dates other guys etc.

So she cried for two hours. She would put her head in my lap. She wanted to sit in my lap. She held my hand. And she cried even more. But then her girlfriend called and needed a ride home. I told her that she should go take her friend home and then come back over. She called later and said she is just going to stay home with her friend. I said, okay and hung up, and that was the last I heard from her. That was a month ago.

That same day however, she had sent me a friend request on Facebook. I never accepted or denied it. I look at it everyday and try to think what I should do. I don't know what to do. She was never very good at expressing what she wanted or even knowing what she wanted. She is 21 years old.

As a woman, what do you think I could do to "get her back"? Should I just leave it up to her to contact me again when she is ready, or since she has made a pretty big first move, should I try to do something to let her know that I am interested? If so, what? Facebook?

[vashti]

She made her attempt at.... whatever she was trying to rekindle. You rejected her (or that's the way it would appear to her, more than likely). It's YOUR turn to make a move.

[pisces7378]

She made her attempt at.... whatever she was trying to rekindle. You rejected her (or that's the way it would appear to her, more than likely). It's YOUR turn to make a move.

But what move? I'm game for anything... I would freaking hire a chorus of mistrals to sing back up while I serenaded her from her front yard for God's sake.

But she hurt me SOOOO bad when she said that we can't be together. I mean, I had to go to a counselor. I called my father that I hadn't talked to in 15 years, and just cried on the phone for an hour. My whole life came down. I lost my job, and had to find a new one. I've spent the past 8 months completely renovating my house, going to a counselor, rekindling a dead relationship with my father to try and put back together all the lost pieces, and reading self-help books.

And now, I am a freaking rock solid guy, with clear visions of where I want to be, and what I want in life. I have an awesome job as a journalist at CNN. My house looks great, and my dad is my new best friend. But I don't want to end up back in that dark hole I found myself in after she left.

[vashti]

Why don't you just call her and ask her if you can get together for dinner. Then you can tell her you miss her and ask her what direction she anticipates this relationship going... and then you will have an answer.

[pisces7378]

Uhhhmmmm, I thought this was the "Ask a Female" forum?!?

She is a 21 year old girl. Really look deep inside yourself, and ask yourself if you honestly think that what you have proposed would be a good idea.

Here's how I see that happening. We go to dinner. We eat. I ask her what you just said, Then she is slammed with the pressure of having to actually commit and declare something i.e. put yourself out there to be rejected. She will probably say some wobbly non-committal "I don't know", that will throw the flaming ball back in my court.

I'm 31 years old. I can handle those kinds of questions. I just stop, think, take a deep breath, and ask my inner-self what I really want, and then I answer without fear of what the outcome for the other person might be.

My ex-girlfriend on the other hand has never demonstrated that level of inner-calm. She's a wonderful person, with so many things that I love. But I realize that any relationship I have with her is going to be us "growing up" together. At least for a little while. And I recognize and am prepared for that. But I can't just put it to her like that.

[pisces7378]

How about I try this? Is this cheesy or cool?

I play the guitar in a band, and my ex and I used to have such a great time with me playing the guitar while we sing songs that have a distinct male and female part. If you've ever heard the Moldy Peaches song from Juno, we used to wear that song out.

But we also had about five or six other male/female vocal songs we used to sing. I have a recording studio at my house, and I could record myself playing the guitar parts, and singing my parts, with her parts just blank. Then I could burn that to CD, and she would basically have a karaoke CD of all the songs we used to stay up all night singing over and over again.

I could give her that by somehow dropping it by when she's not there, or giving it to her sister to give to her. And then I could go home and accept her friend request on Facebook, and then somehow have her meet me somewhere.

I wouldn't ever ask her "where she thought this relationship was going." I'd just pretend that we are meeting for the first time, and see if the hug good night might turn into a kiss good night.

[vashti]

Uhhhmmmm, I thought this was the "Ask a Female" forum?!?

She is a 21 year old girl. Really look deep inside yourself, and ask yourself if you honestly think that what you have proposed would be a good idea.

Of course I do. That's why I suggested it. You would have some clarity you are now lacking.

The idea of her "putting herself out there for rejection" would only apply if YOU haven't put yourself out there... I was assuming, of course, you WOULD. That's the way grown ups interact, particularly if they are really interested in someone.

Of course, you could try it your way.

[Rhonda]

How about lunch and an honest discussion about what you each feel went wrong with the relationship so that you can both understand what the real issues are. As you said, the dishes weren't the real problem. Talk about what was and see if you are both amenable to starting over slowly, go out on a few dates, places where you can sit and talk as well as have fun. You also have to remember there is a large age gap and that she may share your emotional maturity. I'd be interested in hearing how you make out

[pisces7378]

Listen... I totally agree with you. Right after we broke up I tried to reason with her. I put myself out there, and out there, and further out there. I explained it to her step by step what all went wrong, and how I feel, and what we could try to fix things...

I literally tried everything I knew how to do. And you know what happened? She'd get backed into a corner where she had nothing left to say... and she'd just say, "Look, I just know we can't be together."

And there is some other layers to this. About four weeks after we broke up she had sex with some dude she met in a bar. Then about a week later, she started having regular sex with a co-worker of mine. And then after he chose another girl to be his girlfriend, she had sex with one of my best friends, who is obviously no longer my friend.

So you see, when you start telling me how "grown ups" interact, I have a hard time just agreeing and proceeding to take your advice. I know that she was sleeping around with all those guys just because she can't be alone, and needed the attention to not feel the emptiness of our breakup.

Hell, I myself would have done anything to stave off that pain. But I am 31, and I know that nothing really works except time and genuine self-repair.

But anyway... you honestly think that if I invite her out for dinner, and then at the dinner table I just lay it on her that I love her and I want her back... after 8 months of not even seeing each other, she is just going to be like, "Me too. Let's just pick up where we left off?"

I think she will run for the hills, because it is easier for her to go back to Sex and the City re-runs on the couch alone, than to face all the past mistakes, explain how she could **** my friend, try to repair something... I think that the only way she would come back to me, is if I show her that she doesn't have to explain any of that, and that I am SO much happier than I was when we broke up. I am so much more solid and focused, and most of all have a light and happy soul. Not some serious "Do you want to be with me?!?" demanding spirit, that wants her to decide something.

[vashti]

Dude, she had sex with half of your world. I am wondering what motivates you to want her back?

BTW - her telling you (after being backed into a corner) that she knew you "just couldn't be together" sounds to me like she just wasn't feeling it for you. Maybe her showing up on your porch was just a desperate attempt to avoid being alone.

I'm not sure how hopeful you should be... she doesn't sound ready for the type of relationship you seem to want.

[misombra]

my intuition says she doesn't want to get back together. she just wanted to be friends probably because she was lonely and depressed. you could ask her, you don't have anything to lose. i don't know about giving it so much thought and planning it all out and all that. just call and ask if she wanted to be friends or thought maybe about dating again.

[Rhonda]

Wow! I didn't know all that which makes me change my advice which is now forget her name, number and move on. Since you have gotten your life together it's time to find someone who is eqally balanced and happy. You don't need an albatross around your neck and you'll just end up back where you started. Move on, hon. She has, so why shouldn't you?

[pisces7378]

Rhonda...

I have moved on, and she moved on. But she isn't an albatross. I know that everyone see's her as an asshole. Hell, for quite some time I very much saw her as an asshole. There was a time where I just wished she would move to Alaska or just disappear from the face of the Earth, and I could wipe her from my memory.

And believe me, I have dated since we broke up. In fact, if you read some of my other threads, I am in the process of either dating or trying to date two other ladies right now. Nothing serious of course; just trying to get to know them. I am not some lonely miserable schlub that is pining after a woman that reminds him of the good old days when the leaves were beautiful and all was good in the world.

But no matter what, I always come back to knowing that girl's heart, and knowing that we touched each other deeply, in such a way that neither of us were prepared or even looking for. Sure, she made some mistakes when we broke up. And believe me, in my heart I crucified her for it for a long time. But to be 100% honest, if one of her friends had come on to me, one month after we broke up... I am sure I would have done the same thing to her.

There is an expression that I am fond of: "The inability to forgive is a poison that you take yourself, hoping that someone else will die."

No matter what, I have forgiven her for what happened, and I hope she forgives me. I know that from the comfort of your computer chair it makes so much sense to just tell me to move on. And believe me sweetheart, I am very aware that if someone were asking me this exact question, with this exact scenario, I would also tell him to just forget about her. I'd tell him that she is too young for him. I would tell him that she isn't emotionally capable of handling the kind of relationship that you are looking for. And I would tell him to grow a pair, and just keep dating around, and forget about this one stupid girl.

But, the problem is, I love her. I understand her. I see straight into her, and I have since we met. Now, I am also not crazy. I am not going to camp out on her front lawn and try to "convince" her that we should be together. If she isn't picking up what I am laying down, then there is nothing I can do about it. I couldn't even change her mind to start eating carrots (she hates anything with carrots), so I know I couldn't change her mind about not wanting to be with me.

The only reason I posted this thread is to find out if you ladies thought that I should try to contact her, or let her come to me again. Trust me, if she were to show up on my doorstep a second time, I certainly wouldn't just drink wine with her and make jokes about how crazy she is. At the time, I was very proud of myself that I was calm, funny, and charming. But I didn't really address anything. I guess I assumed that I would have a second opportunity, and I didn't want to damper the mood when she was already crying. So I just made her laugh.

Does ANYONE have any real advice for me, other than to walk away from her and forget about her?

[misombra]

you don't want advice you just want to hear what you want to hear.

[pisces7378]

misombra, why do you want to go and say something like that? Besides being terribly rude for you to tell me what I must be wanting... it is beside the point.

Of COURSE I do not want to hear that I should just forget her. That is obviously not why I came to start this thread. The title of the thread is, "How do I get my ex-girlfriend back?" It is not, "Do you guys think I should be trying to get my ex-girlfriend back?"

Even if you think it is ridiculous to want my ex-girlfriend back, (which you obviously do), why do you think I would want to hear that? I genuinely appreciate you giving me your honest opinion. It is always helpful to have another's insight. And believe me, it is duly noted.

But now... ASSUMING that you just wanted to help me with my mission, can you put yourself in this girl's shoes, and imagine what you might need to jog you into considering giving it another chance?