Major Issues - Please Help

[Tootz]

Hi all,

Really hope someone can offer me some advice, I dont know what to do with myself! Sorry it's a long post.

I am 22 years old and I have been with my current boyfriend Sam for just over 18 months now. I have always been insecure and paranoid, but now it's getting out of hand.

Sam is a genuinley lovely guy and has never done anything to make me not trust him, but for the past 2 months my insecurities have suddenly got out of control and ive turned into the world's worst girlfriend. Im insanely jealous and constantly think up scenarios in my head of him cheating on me, and what I would do if I found out. Im convinced he's not attracted to me so I feel horribly threatened by any other girl he talks to. It's pathetic and it's ruining everything. It all started around easter time when I noticed Sam was a bit distant with me, he had stopped the affection and all the nice text messages. This caused a massive row and I finally got out of him that he was feeling suffocated and needed space, we saw each other every day but I immediatley took that as rejection and thought it was his way of pulling out of the relationship.

We used to talk about the future, about having kids and getting married but he admitted last night that he no longer feels like that at the moment because of how ive been acting lately. He saids he still loves me more than anything which is why he doesnt want to leave me, but said my insecurities and paranoia is getting too much for him to deal with, and until ive sorted it out - we cant move on together. It's made me feel sick because im absolutley smitten with him and dont want to lose him at all, but I know Im pushing him away.

I have admitted to him that I dont think I will ever trust a man 100%, which I think stems from my childhood. My dad messed my mum around on numerous occasions and the memories of seeing my mum so distraught are still vivid in my mind. I remember finding crude emails on his computer to another woman, and I also remember being dragged out of bed at midnight, bundled into the car because my mum had found out he was with another woman and was on a mission to find him. I was 8 years old and that night feels like it was yesterday. All these things i think have played a part in my paranoia with the opposite sex and my inability to trust men. My first boyfriend who i was with for 4 years was a manipulative cheating liar aswell...

I hate feeling like this, it's depressing me so much. I just want things to go back to how they were when we first met. I know he will never do anything to hurt me, how can I stop feeling so paranoid and insecure all the time?

[vashti]

I think you should think about getting some therapy to work on your issues. Other than that, I can only think that the only thing that will make you feel better is TIME with someone who is faithful, which would increase your confidence. Unfortunately, most people aren't willing to tolerate the suffocation for long enough to help change your mindset.

[TeeJay19]

I have admitted to him that I dont think I will ever trust a man 100%

This is a major issue and something you need to address. You will never have a happy relationship until you can learn to trust your significant other. I feel bad for you that the man you love is now questioning his future with you, but can you blame him?

I agree with Vashti, get some therapy to deal with these issues. If your boyfriend really loves you he'll be willing to stick it out and will appreciate the fact that you're trying to address the problem. Good luck.

[Tootz]

Thank you for the replies. I have thought about counselling and do think it would help. Im going to make an appointment at the doctors and see if I can be referred as I cant afford private

I do have incredibly low self esteem, and pretty much everyday I hate what I see in the mirror, although to look at me you wouldnt necessarily think I was so insecure about myself.

I desperately want to stop being like this.

[steviej]

Make sure you communicate with him, let him know it isn't his fault and explain the situation. It hopefully should make him supportive of you and more patient!

[gregey26]

I am having exactly the same issues, I have been with a girl for around 9 months, she is my first girlfriend as i am 25 and messed around a little in my early twenties. I have real trust and insecurity issues although if i think of the question does she love me or would she cheat on me, both the answers would be good for me (yes she loves me and no she wouldnt cheat) the thought i have are complelety irattional and very annoying and depressing! Just recently it has shown signs more ofeten and things got pretty bad (me making fuss over stupid small things, almost looking for things that could be wrong). After a week of talking things over she agreed to give me time, I am now trying to build me self asteem and realise 3 things constantly:
1. I cannot control the future
2. I am a good person and I am worth it in this relationship. If doubting this i remember all the amazing things i have done for her and that extra special smaile she gives me when I do.
3. Worrying about the relationship going wrong will only cause it to go wrong.

I know that it is hard to remember these things at times and be rational about your thoughts, however dont give them the time of day, get your own activities (I now spend one night a week having drinks with friends, one night swimming with friends and one night playing for a local pool team) this gives me a life away from the relationship, allowing me to feel good and have fun without my girlfriend as well as with her when we see each other. Before this 99% of the time I was only having fun in life when with her, this is not as it should be, i think this caused me to obsess over the relationship big time, where as she had other things that she found fun and I viewed this wrongly then as a crime 'she doesnt love me if she would prefer to see her friends instead of me?' lol how stupid is that thought lol!!! I realise that becoming trusting and building your confidence is a lengthy process however there are things you can do to make you feel 'WORTH IT' because we all are, we all have our own unique personalities and people love us for them! I am also now taking up jogging, this is ment to boost your confidence, exersise releases happy hormones into the brain plus you will look better and feel better. maybe buy some new clothes, set your self little tasks you wouldnt normally do, it could be anything, like rather than walking into a shop and saying the bare minimum to the person at the counter,strike a conversation, it will help boost your 'WORTH IT' feel about yourself.
I am finding it difficult becuase as your partner said to you 'i love you so much but it cant go on like this' this hurt me and although i know she didnt mean to it made my trust/insecurities worse. But now i have had a little time its completly logical and expected that she would be annoyed, I have not been myself over the past few weeks ive been a paranoid insecure partner, always questioning, this is not fun to be around, would you find it fun. Sorry to waffle hope this helps, it would be great to hear your views

[Jason2]

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