Learning to Trust Again

[Camby]

I have been married for over ten years with two kids. Within the last year my wife had two ongoing texting relationships. One of the men she texted up to 700 times and talked to the same guy for over 8 hours on the phone. She told me she stopped texting but continued up until a few months ago and to date claims she did nothing wrong.

I'm trying to learn to trust her again for the sake of the marriage and the kids. With her knowledge, I put a monitor on her cell phone so I can see the texts she sends and receives which she feels is completely unreasonable. I feel it's the only way to protect myself and my kids from her getting involved with people she has no clue about. I hate to do this but I have serious issues trusting her after what she did and it's either that or a divorce.

I receive much blame from her who accuses me of stalking her, overreacting, and treating her poorly. I would like to work things out but to date she does not seem to be concerned with my feelings or helping me trust her again. Most recently she gave her personal cell phone number to one of her clients, and she also went to lunch with someone of the opposite sex but felt it was okay because she told me that night.

I feel it is her responsibility to earn my trust again but she feels that if she acts like things never happened it'll all be okay. She says that she still wants to be married but has refused to continue seeing her therapist which she promised she would, only to find out she quit. She quit marriage counseling as well.

Do you think the monitoring of her cell phone is unreasonable? Do you think I am overreacting or treating her poorly?

[dontaskme]

Is your wife satisfied with your marriage? Is she still in love with you? These are the are the questions you need to be asking yourself.

The other questions are irrelevant. If she loves you and cares about your feelings, she wouldn't be doing those things to begin with, therefore, negates the need to be monitoring her like she's on parole.

[Camby]

I have asked her in the past and she says she still loves me. I don't know if I believe her because of the lack of trust we have in the marriage.

[woody]

Well, I feel for what your going through; feel for your wife too. Being a runner in between mentality which I am allow me to offer from both sides.

Breaking one's trust and needing to earn it back can be a long road to haul. You two have kids and that's got to inspire this journey. BUT at some point your going to need to take off those training wheels man (the monitor) and give her what she needs, space & trust.
This, will not be easy to do; but the longer you keep monitoring her cel, the deeper your digging her down.
At some point she's going to have to feel that you trust her again.

What she does with it, well, hey, at least you'll know and take things from there right? Yeah.

My sweetie did something similar, albeit on the receiving end and at the beginning of our time together; still, it was tough to trust him again. But I did and I do.

Are you sure these texts weren't just to a chum? Are you positively certain intimacy was involved? Or a want of?

People have friends sometimes. Is there a line between appropriate and over the top? Hell yeah. She needs to come to that equation on her own though or you'll come off as overbearing and possibly slightly blue beardish. Hey, I get it. I wouldn't want my s.o texting someone that much. It would make me feel inadequate.
You have kids and a need to protect your Family which is just. Yet to install a monitor on your wife's cel may push her further from what's important and that's her Family.
Be strong and confident. Take off the training wheels.
and take things from there. Least you'll find out more.
good luck
woody=trees