Boyfriends Mother

[LMK]

Hello All,
I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. We are in our early 20's. My boyfriend has a wonderful life, he has a good job, good family, great parents; he is just a wonderful man whom I love dearly.
However I on the other hand do not have it so great. I was 18 when my parents got a divorce. I was forced to live on my own as neither parent wanted anything to do with me nor my sisters. My sisters all live their own life. Here I am working a full time job and than some just to make ends meet. I can't get a roommate as I don't have too many friends and the ones that I do all have their own life.
I have asked my boyfriend to come move it with me because I am tired of being alone, poor and depressed. He wants to and has made many promises that he would but every time he does he backs out on me. His mother makes him feel terrible by saying things like " if you leave I will never talk to you again", "you love her more than me", " I didn't raise you this way" etc.. so the point is he won't move in with me because she doesn't want him too. It makes me feel terrible that he chooses her over me. I need him right now and I feel like he doesn't care.
I love my boyfriend and he is the sweetest, most amazing, hardworking person I know. I do not want to fight with him anymore, I don't want to feel like his mom is more important than me. I am tired of crying. But is it just me or do you think if he loved me enough he would be here for me, come move in with me because I need him more than she does? Am I being selfish? Someone please help!!

Oh and by the way hes 22 and his mom calls him every night that he is out at 10:30pm to tell him to get home he has work tomorrow.

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sine24]

his mum IS more important than you.

[anachronistic]

His mother sounds like a manipulative bitch, but regardless, his mom *is* more important than you, and should be, no matter what.

You're both at that age where you should be trying to get out on your own and become self-dependent. Eventually he'll move in with you, when the time is right. He probably feels like he's being torn in two, so you should ease up on him a little. It's not going to be easy with the way his mother acts.

In the mean time, let's get some facts straight:

Do you get along with his mom?
Does she approve of you?
Are you nice to her?
What's the boys relationship to his parents?
How long has he been considering moving in with you?

[sine24]

i think the best solution is for you to attempt to make new friends. even if your boyfriend moved in with you, he's not always going to be there 24/7. he needs time with his friends too, his own space, and of course time to spend with his family. dont put the blame on your boyfriend and accuse him of "not caring" as he is in an awful situation. his mother's a typical overprotective mum who's just looking out for him.

what would happen if your boyfriend wasnt in your life? you'd be so much worse off..how would you cope then?

im sure theres heaps of people out there who can keep you company. you work full time dont you? why dont you start a convo with some of your workmates and go out for lunch etc..

[starbuck]

Yes, his mom is overbearing, but there are two different situations going on here.

1. You want him to move in out of desperation, not as a measured, logical next step to the evolution of your relationship.

2. His relationship with his mother sounds dysfunctional, yes. He is old enough that he doesn't need to answer to his mother about anything in his life. That being said, it is HIS relationship, and honestly you can really only stand back and advise him if he needs it. I'd tell him to stand up to her for HIS own sake, not yours.

I don't think you should move in with him, OP. It doesn't sound like you're doing it for the right reasons, and as Sine suggested, there are other ways of finding a roomate who will help out with the rent. (roomatefinder.com, craigslist, etc.,)

[LMK]

thanks guys. I think I just needed to hear it from someone else.

Ans as to your questions

Do you get along with his mom? I do, I get along with her well.

Does she approve of you? He said she does and I'm pretty sure she does

Are you nice to her? I am

What's the boys relationship to his parents? They are very close.

How long has he been considering moving in with you? For about 5 months now

[shh!]

I wouldn't want my son to move in with a girl at 22 to rescue her from her life. I don't think that is "overbearing" or "overprotective"... I think that is simply a matter of her valuing her son more than you, and I think that is appropriate. Her job is to have her son realize his full potential (regardless of a girlfriend), and if he is still depending on her for food/housing/living expenses, then she still has a say. Sorry.

[Cain]

I wouldn't want my son to move in with a girl at 22 to rescue her from her life. I don't think that is "overbearing" or "overprotective"... I think that is simply a matter of her valuing her son more than you, and I think that is appropriate. Her job is to have her son realize his full potential (regardless of a girlfriend), and if he is still depending on her for food/housing/living expenses, then she still has a say. Sorry.

Regardless, it doesn't sound like that's the mother's issue. It sounds like the mother just doesn't want to let go and that's the reason for her comments. That, in my opinion, is where the mother is stepping over the line. Giving her opinion is one thing, but actually telling him that she'll never speak to him again is rediculous. Would you tell your son or daughter that in this situation?

[shh!]

I think you are making the mistake of assuming that this is actually what the mother said, Cain. I am assuming there is more to the story than what the original poster says, and that her statement is understandably biased.

However, it is safe to say I would not be happy if my 22 year old kid wanted to move in with a girl. I want him to maintain his full independence at *least* through graduate school, and I wouldn't want it to become his responsibility to save his girlfriend.

[Cain]

I think you are making the mistake of assuming that this is actually what the mother said, Cain. I am assuming there is more to the story than what the original poster says, and that her statement is understandably biased.

However, it is safe to say I would not be happy if my 22 year old kid wanted to move in with a girl. I want him to maintain his full independence at *least* through graduate school, and I wouldn't want it to become his responsibility to save his girlfriend.

I have no reason to assume that what the OP is saying isn't true. I agree with you that he shouldn't move in with her just to save her... he should only do it if it's what HE wants to do.

My point is that I don't think that the mother should try to use manipulation to make it happen. No matter what, she needs to support his decision. My question for you was would you make those same comments this mother did?

[shh!]

I read back over the comments, and yes I WOULD say "I didn't raise you this way", but I wouldn't threaten to cut him out of my life. I'd certainly use whatever influence I could wield to talk him out of it, especially given these particular circumstances. How happy is a mother supposed to be that her son moves in with a girl because she is broke and needs help, especially given that (by this girl's own admission) he has a wonderful life, a good job, great parents, etc.? Why should the woman who gave birth to a son, loved and nurtered him for 22 years, invested all her hopes and dreams in him (not to mention the money), be happy that her son would leave this to go live with a broke, lonely, depressed girl, no matter how nice she is?

[Cain]

I read back over the comments, and yes I WOULD say "I didn't raise you this way", but I wouldn't threaten to cut him out of my life. I'd certainly use whatever influence I could wield to talk him out of it, especially given these particular circumstances. How happy is a mother supposed to be that her son moves in with a girl because she is broke and needs help, especially given that (by this girl's own admission) he has a wonderful life, a good job, great parents, etc.? Why should the woman who gave birth to a son, loved and nurtered him for 22 years, invested all her hopes and dreams in him (not to mention the money), be happy that her son would leave this to go live with a broke, lonely, depressed girl, no matter how nice she is?

Once again, that wasn't the point of my post. I wasn't commenting that the mother shouldn't have disproved of him moving in with her, I was saying that she shouldn't have said "I'll never talk to you again." That is not what a loving, caring mother says.

I also think that she is a bit overprotective. To call him, an adult, at 10:30 every night to tell him to get home is overstepping the boundaries in my opinion. I'd be damned if my mother were to tell me that I needed to get home. I'm an adult. I don't need a curfew.

[shh!]

Well maybe he does, and again, I'm not taking one side of this story at face value... LMK has a vested interest in this kid's mom looking like a psycho.

[Cain]

Well maybe he does, and again, I'm not taking one side of this story at face value... LMK has a vested interest in this kid's mom looking like a psycho.

Then why do we give advice on this forum at all? Opinions are usually always biased. If you won't take the story posted at face value, why do you give advice?

[shh!]

I usually try to take them at face value unless there is a greater-than-average chance that the original poster is unable to give an objective assessment of the situation, in which case I go with the most reasonable scenario.