Problem with Girlfriend, please give me advice!

[Thirteen13]

Hey everyone, I come here seeking advice because I do not know who to go to with this and it is driving me nuts.

My girlfriend and I have been together for a very long time, we love eachother very much. We've even talked about marriage, having kids...spending the rest of our lives together. I don't doubt her, however yesterday we had something neither of us can explan happen.

We were in bed together and as I was touching her, she said to me: "Have you wondered what it would be like with anyone else?" To which I responded: "I don't know...why?" and she said: "Well I was just thinking how it would be to sleep with ____". "blank" being a good friend of mine. I was extremely hurt by this and also felt extremely disgusted. She started to cry as well and said that it was a statement made out of impulse and she does not even find him attractive. Now, I know I am better than him for her and it's not like she even likes him. I KNOW she loves me and just wants me. However the thought of her saying that to me, especially iin that context...killed me.

Ever since, it's been an emotional rollercoaster. She realised it was stupid to bring up something so small and unimportant to hurt someone she feels so much for. She only said it out of impulse and apparently she just needed to tell me because she feels she needs to tell me everything. Ever since, I've gotten extremely angry at her for barely any reason (I guess to subconsciously punish her and make her hurt the way I did) and Ive gotten extremely upset and thoughts of breaking up with her are reoccuring over and over. We want to be together, but how do I deal with this. I find the statement she made was sick.

I appreciate her telling me everything but I feel what she did was selfish and said at a TOTAL DISREGARD for me.

What are your opinions everyone?? Any advice?? Anything would be APPRECIATED!!!!

[dewilliams2]

I'm not saying let it go...I'm saying move past it...and it might take you awhile...but don't throw away a perfectly good relationship because she had one slip of the tongue...what we do in our minds and what we physically do are not the same things....she did not cheat on you.

You love her and it hurt you...tell her that and explain that it will take you awhile to get over it and you would appreciate she not tell you those kind of things again....I mean it isn't like you've never noticed another woman...even if its just noticing her breasts or something your still noticing her in a sexual way.

[Thirteen13]

Hey thanks for the reply. Yeah I do understand what you mean and ofcourse I do see how even if you are in a commited relationship...attraction still happens. However I can't help but think how uncomfortable it will be to bring her around my friends, especially knowing what she told me. I know it doesn't MEAN anything and I shouldn't feel worried...but when things like that are said, the mind will always doubt and lack trust. Also, I'm scared that I will find it hard touching her and being intimate with her from now on because I feel as if her mind is elsewhere.

Why, if it was just a "passing thought", did she feel the need to tell me? Any ideas?

Ive already spoken to her several times about it. We both feel pretty bad, Im just scared I can't deal with this properly and it will affect the great relationship that we have. I guess I'm just scared about how I'll deal with it..whether I will feel uneasy forever or possibly distance myself from her.

[cmacattack1]

Take a good look at your relationship. Is this the only big problem you guys have had? Do you really care about her and want to have a future with her? Don't ruin something that has the potential for a lifetime thing over one goof up.

You aren't the only person she is going to be attracted to. Yes it was selfish and stupid and clearly lacked any thought. I'm sure she is sorry. She seems very sorry. You do not need to punish her for this though. Look into your heart to forgive her. You don't have any other reason not to trust her, right? She's honest with you about everything, right? I would kill to be in your position and have what you have right now.

You know what you are doing to her and this relationship. And it shows you care enough by coming on here looking for advice to help you out of your situation. Don't do something that you may regret later. Alot of relationships only get one chance and if everything else about it is working, get over this bump and move forward.

[Thirteen13]

Thanks a lot for replying. I understand what you're saying and it does make more sense. I guess I am just scared of how I will cope with this problem. As I said, I find myself getting irritated and angry as well as sad....set off by just a little trigger. I do see she is sorry though and I know that attraction will exist no matter if you are in a relationship or not. Because of the context of when she brought it up, I am also scared it will affect our intimacy and I will think her mind is elsewhere when I touch her.

But I do agree with you, I do need to just forgive because this situation is not worth losing everything over. I guess I just feel uneasy. Thanks!

What you said about "Alot of relationships only get one chance and if everything else about it is working, get over this bump and move forward" really opens my eyes and makes me want to forgive her wholeheartedly.

[cmacattack1]

I know it's easier said than done and the last thing you want in your relationship is doubt. It just reminds me of my last relationship where I was an insensitive and uncommunicative jerk, and when she started giving me a taste of my own medicine I punished her for it and really hurt her. Our relationship never recovered, she dumped my ass and has a new guy now. And I'm the one that's left wishing I did things differently and sorry like you wouldn't believe. I don't want the same thing to happen to you.

Trying to understand will make things a little easier on you I think. When you are with somebody for a very long time, you are past that honeymoon stage and you are in the reality stage with your partner and all their flaws. I think we all at times wonder what it would be like to be with somebody else, but remembering we have a good thing right here should be enough to squash it. I don't think you have very much to worry about as it is not a recurring mistake.

If you feel yourself getting mad or ready to snap on her, try to think about it for a minute, wonder what good will come out of it and try and relax for a bit. If you proceed to get angry at her and snap for everything, she is going to start hiding things from you for fear of reprisal. You don't want to lose that trust because along with sincerity, there is nothing more important in your relationship.

As for the intimacy part, I don't know what to tell you. If she is thinking about somebody else, there isn't really much you can do about that. It's important to be open and honest about how we feel and it doesn't sound like you guys have that problem. Do your best to squash those thoughts when they pop up in your head, because you know she loves you, cares about you, and would do anything for you, right?

[IndiReloaded]

We aren't responsible for thoughts, only our acts of will. Its not like she cheated on you so don't treat it like she did.

You should address her need to tell you everything. Its actually a very immature mindset. Not all thoughts need, or should, be spoken. Spoken truth should always have a purpose. She needs to learn to edit her mouth unless she was trying to hurt you or test your response. Ask her to think about this.

[Thirteen13]

I'm glad you can somewhat relate to my situation and cann give me decent advice. I agree with everything you said and my short temper and vengeful actions would just end up tearing us apart. I will try to think before I act out of anger or frustration as thats what I wish she would've done before saying that to me. I think she wishes she would've thought things out as well. I realise that I would be disrespecting her just as much as she did me if I were to keep hurting her as I have been subconsciously doing. I think I just needed someone with a clear head and logic to slap some sense into me as I was way too clouded to think. Im thankful for your sincere reply and yes, I know she loves and cares about me more tha anything. It is definitely not worth throwing away and hurting her. None of us deserve it. Thanks a lot man.

Also, if you don't mind me asking...how's everything with you? Are you still trying to get the girl that you hurt back? Or are you looking elsewhere now? You can message me if you don't wanna post it here.

But I'm really glad you were here to knock some sense into me because I would've DEFINITELY done the exact same thing you did.

[Thirteen13]

Yeah I see where you're coming from. And yes I guess it would be the question "why did she need to tell me that" that bugs me a lot. I agree it is a immature mindset because she needs to be able to think about others-especially people she cares about- and keep certain things that are of no value to herself. She needs to think before she says anything. I think this situaton may help her learn that that is a very important thing to learn when comunicating with anyone. I will ask her about that. Thanks for your reply, it's appreciated! I think I just needed someone with a clear head to sort things out for me as I was too busy clouding my mind with thoughts and anger.

[Petit Papillon]

I moved posts from another thread to here, because you posted exactly the same thread in other forum and it might be confusing to some people or make them answer to you again and lose their precious time . Don't post two same threads again!