Workin together with ex. remainin frnds avoidin bein rude

[rainbow]

I went around with a guy for 3 yrs, he was interested in long term comittment but I had refused, so we just continued as we were, then 3 months back he started becomin too friendly with another girl - smses and phone calls etc, and I realised that his heart is somewhere else , and I stepped aside (with a few dramatic scenes), he appeared happy with my steppin aside. I thought I was being a big person by doin the more civilized thin etc etc.

Problem is that it hasnt worked out that well, I am still goin thru the blues of being dumped. Hes been my best frnd all these years and I feel real insecure at the thot of losing him and being in the same college we have a lot of joint projects n work. We work pretty well together too.

But if I end up feeling sad and weepy whenever I see him, I dont know how to continue working with him. And then to avoid feelin sad I become rude and sarcastic, and later I feel bad about having behaved like that.

He is being very accomodating, comfortin me thru all my moods, givin me time etc etc. Were still quite close.

But what I cant figure out how to achieve a balance. Should I cut all contact with him, or should I coninue workin with him. Neither situation seems feasible at present. I dont know what to do.

Please help

[misombra]

telling him how you feel would probably cut down on the jabs. you didn't expect that he wouldn't move on without you, did you? it's okay to be a little peeved but i would just talk to him about how you're feeling and get it out in the open.

[Promise]

No, do not cut contact with him, as with any no communication stems much pressure which doesn't appear to be something you can handle right now. However, with each day, and as time continues to move forward, you should slowly dift apart, as you must move on yourself, and cannot do it without his comfort and guidance. I say this as you've put forth much your confidence and esteem in him.

All of this is to help develop a pattern of independence that you'll be greatful for in the future, as to be self sufficent is one of the most beautiful gifts you can develop and gift you can give yourself.

I hope you the best, and please update as your situation continues, as I'm here, and many more to listen and aid in the process.

[shh!]

I think you ought to try to separate yourself from him. He wanted a long term relationship, you didn't, so now he's off to find someone who wants what he does.

I think the more-or-less regular contact only adds to your own feelings of wanting what you can't have. For example, I love chocolate, but I don't keep chocolate in my house because I would always want what I know very well I can't/shouldn't have. It is easier on you emotionally if you simply remove the temptation.

[stardust]

Lol i went through that process with my ex. One minute you want to be close next minute you find yourself being angry and sarcastic for no reason. Your not alont, I've been there. Its because at the mo your feelings about him are a little mixed up. Your missing his company yet your peeved he seems happy. For 6 months me and my ex went back and forth arguing one min happy the next. We were both at college together too. I dint know how to be or act. One minute i wanted to b his best friend next i wanted to scream because he seemed to be getting on with life better than how I was coping. I think the contact thing takes time. Me and my ex have only just started txn but I never see him out of school anymore. You need to be apart and learn to enjoy your own company again. Very little contact is the best way! as much as it hurts it is the best way forward!

[rainbow]

This is so wonderful, I just posted and so many replies, a heartfelt thanks for all the replies. It is quite similar to what stardust described. Ill try the 'slowly drifting apart' part , but its so hard, cause as the phrase goes .. the person who made u cry seems to be the only one who can make u stop cryin. I squirm everytime I see them together, I try to smile and pretend everythings normal, but it hurts so much. I did tell him how I feel, it just makes him feel worse to know hes hurtin me.

How do I get used to seein them hangin out together?

[mhussain]

by telling urself that u made a decision and that their getting together is a result of that... dont feel bad ... he will still be your friend as he as shown till date ... u will i hope not lose a friend ... u must understand ... he wanted a relationship with you but u did not ... with due respect .. he seems like a nice guy ...

ofcourse rainbow it will hurt ... it will hurt ... but remember that u must put Gold in fire to make it shine ...

have patience ... its easier said than done ... but remember it will coe to you if u have sabr(arabic for patience)...

best of luck

Hussain

[rainbow]

He is a nice guy, thats the whole problem, I guess it would have been easier if he had been a jerk. Anyways I think Im getting addicted to this forum ; its so fabulous to be able to talk.

[mhussain]

talk away

Hussain

[rainbow]

How do I stop myself from poppin over to his place, half the time im feelin lonely so i pop over, the other half i feel this need to know what he is doin or who he is with. Sometimes its fine, sometimes it ends up being a mess.

[mhussain]

how old are u?

Hussain

[rainbow]

I guess its the first time that Im actually losing someone I love, family is forever, and what friends I have have always been there, and friendships usually grow with time, they dont die out. But what is it with relationships , how can someone start loving u less all of a sudden, how can affection die for no apparent reason, love should grow, it shouldnt lesses. It makes me feel so low, are we all just fickle shallow human beings who can choose not to love at will.

And I dont know what this guy is doing. I dont see his relationship with this girl going anywhere. He will be graduatng next year and will be moving out of the country while she will be stuck here for another 4 years. Hes just breaking my heart for a one year fling, or does he hope to stick it out through a long-distance relationship for 4 years.. God knows.

[rainbow]

How old do u think?

[mhussain]

hi rainbow ...

i am very bad at guessing .. so i wont even try

as for what he wants to do .... and what will happen between him and her ... thinking about it will only cause more pain ...

it is easier to risk ur life and limb than it is to risk your emotions .... thats why losing somone u so desparately , hold to urself so close , when such a person leaves you ... u get so hurt..

affection doesnt die and neither did it die in him ... remember that he asked u for a long term commitment and u were not ... which is fair enough as it is ur decision ... but what he did is also his decision ..... u chose to step aside which is very hard to do ... u did the right thing by allowing someone to have what he wanted in a rightful manner ...

it hurts becoz what u did was right .... regret is something natural ..... the pain is a great teacher rainbow .... never forget it ...

take care

Hussain

[Tone]

Ill try the 'slowly drifting apart' part , but its so hard, cause as the phrase goes .. the person who made u cry seems to be the only one who can make u stop cryin.

There's also the sayin.. no man is worth your tears, and the one who is - won't make you cry.

it hurts becoz what u did was right .... regret is something natural ..... the pain is a great teacher rainbow .... never forget it ...

Listen to this man.