My boyfriend's sexual past/My own insecurities

[stryped_soxx]

My boyfriend and I (both 25 years old) have been dating for over 8 months now. We are pretty much inseparable and very much in love. In fact, we are moving in together very soon. The problem I have (that seems to cause me much anxiety) is regarding his sexual past. With previous boyfriends, it was easier to cope with the fact that they were sexually active before me. I’ve been sexually active since I was 16, so I can’t be a hypocrite. I know there is nothing I can do to change it. What’s done is done. What bothers me about my current boyfriend’s past isn’t the fact that he’s been with other women; it’s what he has done with them. Before meeting me, he was in a relationship with a woman who was into BDSM. I discovered this when I found pictures of their escapades on his computer (which he voluntarily deleted upon me asking about it. He said he forgot the pictures were still there).
My boyfriend has never given me any reason not to trust him. He always keeps his promises and whenever I need him, he is always ready and willing to come over. I think my problem with this particular sexual period of his past, is that it seems more adventurous and exciting. Our sex life is excellent. He is the best I have ever had, and he claims that I am the best he has ever had. When I asked about the BDSM thing, he said it was mostly her interest and it was more of a novelty to him. He says it never really helped or hindered his sexual response. He says that the sexual relationship with her wasn’t satisfying at all because he didn’t love her. He also says, that since his attachment to me is strongest he’s ever experienced, that makes the sex the best in his opinion. And while I believe him, I cannot get rid of this insecurity that I’m not exciting enough, or pretty enough, etc.. And needless to say, I have trouble putting those computer images out of my head. It’s like they are seared into my memory. I have reoccurring nightmares of him cheating on me.
He is the first man to ever love my mind over my body and I suppose I’m not use to it yet. I don’t want my insecurities to ruin the best relationship I’ve ever had. I need advice please.

[devonbrown]

If he has never given you reason to doubt him, then don't start now. Believe what he is telling you. It sounds like the BDSM wasn't his idea and he doesn't seem to want to clamor for more of it. He seems into you and satisfied with what he has with you. That is what you should focus on.

Part of your insecurities might be tied to how you feel about yourself. Do you think you are not adventurous enough? Etc. Let your boyfriend know that you are willing to talk about things that he or you might find exciting or interesting. Just let him know that you want this relationship to work and you don't want there to ever be a reason for him to stray. He will probably say you have nothing to worry about, and you probably don't, but putting it out there like that may help ease your mind a bit.

And then stop talking about it. Don't obsess over it. Concentrate on positive things, like your moving in together.

Good luck.

[oldskool83]

your doin nothing but worrying about pointless stuff. guys in genral will careless how they have sex, what it involves...as long as were having sex with you is all that matters. if he loves you and want to move into together go with. girls have to many insecurties im finding out, they get somthing good then start freaking themselves out. just knock it off, keep him and be happy. he does the deleting of them imagaes cuz he does not care about them. he cared about your request.

[vertical_sky]

If you feel you're not adventurous enough, then for heaven's sake, start being adventurous! It's not a bad thing to cultivate in your relationship anyway... even sex with the hottest man in the world will get old after a while. Being adventurous and open to new experiences doesn't mean you weren't exciting to begin with, or he doesn't find you sexy... It's actually quite the opposite. When you share fantasies, when you share new experiences, it'll bond you together even tighter.

Being adventurous doesn't mean instantly turning into a dominatrix. What it means is being open to exploring stuff. What are his fantasies? What are yours? How open are you two to hearing about the other's fantasies... if he came to you and said," Yeah, I'm kinda turned on by X," how accepting and willing would you be to at least try X out? You don't need to love it... it doesn't need to "be your bag, baby"... You just need to be accepting of the fact that he likes it, and willing to give it a good ol college try.

[smackie9]

It doesn't matter whether you saw pictures or knew anything of his past, your reaction is the reaction to being in love. After about a year into a relationship when the infactuation period ends, it won't bother you anymore.