My boyfriend and I fight all the time

[chikita]

I know u might say: well if you do fight then you are not meant to be. I love him so much and I know he loves me too. Here is our story:

We met at college and as of today we have been dating for more than year and a half. At the beginning he was looking at girls and his friends were telling him to check out a girl and he would do it in front of me. His friend would ask him to go out and he would go out without me cuz I did not have my ID with me. Oftne he ges out with his friends to places I can't go and then I hav eto wait for him for ages to get home. (We do not live together but I sleep there every day.) Since that time I lost my trust in him. I felt so disrespected from all that and now I do not trust him. Every time he goes out with those friends I get upset without even being able to control it. His friend is still texting him to check out girls on facebook and whatever. He doesn';t do it but he doesn't say anything. Or his friends will speak their native language with him and not speak English to me all the tiema nd he won't correct them at all. Then when I don't trust him, he gets mad at me and becomes very mean to me. He becomes a jerk and he is hurting me so much. I have tried to talk to him for so long but he always turns things around and make himself look like the victim. I am sick of that but I want to be with him cuz I love him. How can I explain him that he needs to put me first and defend me and stand up for me whenever his friends are disrespectful? Am I right or I am just being stupid with all my actions? I just can't get my point across cuz he always turns it around and he always make me look as the wrong one and the selfish one, but I am not selfish- all i want is to be with him and be happy. I prefer spending time with him rather than with my friends but he said " he can;t spend his whole time with me and he needs to see his friends too". Please help me... Let me know what you think! I want to be with him. I have tried to make him not take me for granted but it doesn't work. Nothing works. (( He is asking me to trust him but I lost this trust long time ago and I don't see him doing something to earn it back.

[Yggdrasil]

Read this:

[url]http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html[/url]

then get rid of the loser.

[chikita]

Thank you for your reply. Well I don't think I am emotionally abused. Well maybe a little cuz he always has to be right but this is just because he is so selfish. If I say "I don't feel loved" he says "I don't feel loved too" so I don';t know how to react. I am loving and giving all I can. It is just the trust issue that makes him so upset. he want sme to trust him but doesn't understand that he has to earn this trust. He thinks I am the reason for him to be mad or upset or act like a jerk cuz I am too controlling by getting upset every tim ehe goes out with friends. And I am doing it cuz I lost my trust. What can I do? How should I appproach this?

[Yggdrasil]

You should hear yourself. Why are you taking the blame?

Wake up girl. You ARE with an abusive person.

Don't you deserve better? Don't you have any self worth? What is it that makes you hold on to him? Loneliness? The idea that it's better to be with someone who emotionaly and verbally abuses you as to be alone?

Hey, it's your life. I know what I would do. Then again, I love myself enough to kick someone like your boyfriend not only out of the door, but also from here to kingdom come.

[Bumble_bee]

however hard it is to move on I think you should try. The problem with letting this kind of relationship go on is that you will carry the burden of this relationship onto the next. You will become the victim of your own indecision.

Yes you love him, but there is good love and bad love. you love him because you want so much to believe that if he loves you like he says he loves you, he will change...well not true in some cases, once the tone has been set , ie, you let him walk over you once, or even twice, he will keep on, he thinks he can get away with his behaviour, because he knows how to talk you into believing its your problem not his.

I agree with Ygg, this is a type of emotional abuse, ..he knows the game, and your playing along with it.

Find strength. Good luck.

[Raze]

You answered you're own question.

[chikita]

He has made a big effort and he really changed lately. Do u think he can change that and act normally if he sees he will lose me (if we suppose he loves me as much as he says)? Or u all think breaking up is the right way to go?

[carl1222]

He has made a big effort and he really changed lately. Do u think he can change that and act normally if he sees he will lose me (if we suppose he loves me as much as he says)? Or u all think breaking up is the right way to go?

Well, if he's making a big effort and has really changed, then I wonder if you aren't expecting too much from him. A successful relationship always requires some compromise (after all, you are still individuals) ... and compromise requires you both to tolerate each other's individuality for the good of the relationship.

His friends are important to him, and your pressure will only cause resentment. If he were to say to his friends "hey dudes, I have a girlfriend, so stop asking me to check out other girls" would they tease him for it? If so, cut him some slack. On the other hand, he should respect you enough not to let them do it in front of you. That's the compromise.

You say you don't trust him ... why not?

Carl.

[jidekanluv]

You made him disrespect you, by sleeping in his house everyday.

Stop sleeping in his house.
Stop seeing him everyday.
Go out seeing your friends.

These things might be difficult for you to do, but trust it, it will give you the right result, to decide on.

If he truely loves you he going to come to you, to resolve your differences.

[IndiReloaded]

Go read the Sticky about Stages of Marriage/Relationship. I think you'll relate.

Change doesn't happen overnight, same as problems don't. Anyone who could flip a switch like that is either a really good actor, or insane.

Reinforce what you like and remind him about what you don't. If he cares, he will take the feedback and try to improve. Baby steps tho, change doesn't come easy to most people.

Good luck.

[im_in_love]

It sounds to me like he either isn't ready, or doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with someone. He doesn't want to be tied down to you, so he isn't. And I agree with the other posters, this is a type of abuse and could stem into physical abuse. You may love him, but you want to be with him for the wrong reasons. I'm guessing you have it stuck in your mind that you could be the one to change him into this knight in shining armor who will fall over himself for you. But you're not, you can't change him. Just let it go

[chikita]

IndiReloaded, I think u are perfectly right. That is why I am giving him the right to change and obviously he wants to change because he is showing effort and he is improving.
Also, i do not want him not to go out with his friends, that is his right and f he likes it, it's fine with me. All I want is to be respected by his friends and for him to stand up for me in front of them to make them respect me. Then, when I know they are aware of his love, they won't make him look and all that crap.
Hopefully, he will change now cuz he saw he lost me and he freaked out. And I know that I have to keep certain distance to make him want me and not take me for granted.

[IndiReloaded]

You can't make someone respect you, Chikita. Its something you take for yourself. In this case, you do it by setting reasonable boundaries.

Anyway, the constant fighting is a sign of a power struggle going on between you. It could be that you are just incompatible. There is nothing wrong with deciding this. You are dating, not married. Don't try too hard to fit a square peg in a round hole.

BTW, I said it in another thread recently, but ultimatums that involve threatening to leave the relationship isn't the best way to negotiate for what you want. Its kind of like killing a mosquitoe with a laser cannon. You need to widen your negotiating repertoire. Otherwise, you are going to run into problems when you try this with someone you really care about, and he calls your bluff.

[tasha1133]

Only by knowing the roots of a problem can we deal with its complexities.
He sounds to me like the Kind of guy who has issues, A LOT of issues. I also think that you have a lot of issues yourself, You need to address your own problems before you can even think about trying to fix your relationship issues.
But also you cant do it alone . look. he is abusing you and your letting him, doubtful at seems, yes you might be able to stay together still, but definitely not if you two continue the kind of relationship you have.