Help!!! She Thinks I Used Her!!!

[FIFA04]

OK. Let me try to make this short and sweet My girfriend and I lived together for 3 years. I was out of work for almost a year and 1/2 trying to find a job in my field. In the meantime I took 2 part time gigs to make ends meet. She got a great job straight out of school thats paying her well. Basically she ended up flipping my end of the rent and supporting me for the time I was out of work. One day I came home and she had all my stuff packed and told me to get out!

It's now been 3 months since then and I ran into her one day at the train station. We basically talked for 2 hours. She cried and told me she felt let down by me and she felt like I used her while I sat on my butt and decided I didnt want to work and have her support me. Thats not the case even though it seemed like it. (HISTORY: there was a guy she liked that used her for her money and never paid her back before she met me!) She also thought that we wernt going anywhere (meaning getting married) even though I wanted to but didnt harp on the issue like she did. To put another knife into the situation, I ended up getting hired someplace 2 weeks after she threw me out!

Now 2 days later she calls me for the first time in 3 months disscussing what we taked about at the train station. She said because of this situation she says she doesnt love me like she used to and wants no contact with me and never wants to see or here from me again! She says every time we meet now it makes her confused and it screws with her head. She just cant forgive or forget even though she says she's not mad at me, just dissapointed. Problem is I still love her and I have told her that.

So what do I do?? I hate that this all had to end over money, but that's the reality. I hate to think that if I gave her the back rent she would change her mind about me, but would that work? How can I get her to trust me and think differently about me again? I'm trying to be careful what I say or do to her during this sensitive time. Even though she doesnt want to hear from me again I feel that this is an unresolved issue and I want to change her opinion about me. How long should I wait?? Any opinions would be helpful!

[Colleen]

LOL! I'm always amused when someone makes the effort to CALL me and tell me they DON'T wanna talk to me EEEEEEEVER again!

First off, after reading a few posts I am pretty sure I'm the oldest person here so that means I done been thru it ALL, which includes living with someone in grad school when we both had our ups and downs financially. Of course I don't know you and for all I know you could be a schmoozer, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt cause, given her past history it SOUNDS like she is projecting her previous experience onto you. So you are without work for awhile and suddenly take on ALL the evils of USERS PAST. Not good, not fair, beware.

Just based on what I read it sounds like SHE was the one trying to instigate an emotional meal ticket in pushing the marriage issue. Trust me, if a gal does something nice JUST to get a husband she is nowhere NEAR evolved enough to be a wife. She is in love with a concept. She is an embryo trying to pin on a veil and ya just can't do that - too squishy!

Don't offer to pay her back. She footed the bills willingly. I know you feel like a bad guy but ya know what - psyche!!! - that is exactly her intention.

Just my tarnished two cents.

Colleen

[FIFA04]

Interesting comment Colleen... to give you more history. We both went to the same university together. We liked each other then but it never went anywhere. It was not until 2 years after graduation that we met up through mutual friends. She was looking for a roomate and I was looking for a new apt. so we moved in together. That's when things got serious. To throw another wrench in the mix, I was her FIRST real boyfriend and sexual partner! ( so you know, this is not your average realtionship here!)

I know that it was her fault for flipping the rent for so long but I wasnt exactly the most appreciative person in the world. Her problem is (not that this is a real problem) but she is an EXTREMLEY generous person! She goes way out of her way for people. Especially those close to her. And I feel like I burned her! I know NO girl wants to support a guy! She did it because she loved me and because of her good nature. She did say that if we were married the situation would have been different. But she saw no light at the end of the tunnel (meaning getting married) so she wanted to end it.

Colleen, I can see what you're saying about the marriage issue and how she is not really mature enough. I always had the feeling that she needed to go out and date other guys since I was her first. That was my main reason for holding off on the proposal. I didnt want it to come up if we were married! But she says she didnt break it off because she wanta to see other guys. It's because of the situation.

I'm still confused if I should either give her back rent money or by her gifts or just leave it alone and let time do it's thing. If I didnt love her I would just say "screw it" and walk off. But I feel like I need to show her I'm not a bum that just wanted to smooch off her...

[Colleen]

Well, you can offer again to help financially, and if she refuses then you can feel absolved and she won't have anything to complain about - lol!

She definitely needs to be on her own for awhile, and I think this gesture of independence will be good for her. I have also been generous to a fault in the past and now I'm learning that you can have a balance without giving TOO much. It will take her some time but she will learn, too. Perhaps you weren't appreciative but you've also learned a lesson in all this and will be a better boyfriend to the next one. Everything happens for a reason. I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. It sounds to me like the normal growing pains of relationships. You both sound like quality people and things will work out in the long run . . . maybe not as lovers but I bet you both emerge as friends.

Colleen

[turbomx3]

Colleen is pretty much right! Offer the money if you can afford it, but if she refuses to accept it hey you tried! Throwing you out was pretty harsh but if she's got past wexperience that baggage can be hard to forget! I still don't understand the calling you to tell you not to contact her?

Do not believe for one second that this is only over money! The situation was part of something that was going happen kicking you out cause she has to pay a few bills? whats that about! I've done that before myself and i'd probably do it again! I like yourself and coleen go out of my way to help especially people i'm in a relationship! I'm like that a giver I don't flip when I feel someone is abusing I try and talk about it! and if they don't giove a S**t I stop giving turn that tap of but I wouldn't finish with them if I truly loved them. It sounds like she wishes to have both emotional and financial security in her life which is understandable!

Personally though i'd probably leave it at what it is now i'd text her once about the return of the money thank her for paying the rent give a little apology and ask if she wishes to try again if she does cool (not to be cold though i'm thinking shes thinking once bitten twice shy)! Or maybe ask her to try again but not live together while you both find your footing and you both save some money!

Good luck which ever way it goes!

[FIFA04]

Well the situation wasnt all the best during the time I was out of work either. We stopped getting along and we basically stopped going out. I didnt make an effort to hang out with her or her friends or her hang out with my friends. Things got dull and unexciting during that time. It was all basically due to me being down about my work situation. I know she sees it another way and it's hard for her to get over it.

To make things more complicated, she told me she met some other guy through some friends of hers less then 2 weeks after we broke it off (The REBOUND! ) and she now has this other guy on her mind. Though when she called me ( to say she never wanted to hear from me again) she said she was single and not dating anyone. Maybe that was to make me feel better because I told her I wasnt really dating anyone at the moment and I was still thinking about her. But dont know for sure really.

Another thing, for a few weeks after the break up, I was making the efffort to go see her at the apt. We had sex 4 different times after the breakup. I think that really made things more complicated!

So as it stands now, I just left a message on her machine saying that I loved her and I wanted her to change her opinion of me and that we never know what tommorrow can bring and I would see her in the future i'm sure.

I am planning starting January to give her my half of the rent every month for a few months regardless of what she says. I'm just going to send it to her. Then I will see where it goes. I plan on giving her a Christmas present as well. We brok up this September so i'm not so sure if I should though.....

[turbomx3]

Yeah that sound's like a plan pay the cash if it's really bothering you but you do know that it won't mean that you will get her back as i've said to others you can't buy love.

The christmas present is a good idea just as long as that is all it is and not a means to try and buy her back. If you really want to get her a simple present then you should but be aware that if she is still with this guy she won't drop everything and run back to you depending on her attitude (you know better than me) she will either think thats sweet or depending on the gift that your trying to buy her love which may insult.

I don't mean to give bad news but it sounds nice paying the money back giving the gift but you sound like you have a hidden agenda (maybe I'm wrong maybe you don't). It just......it sounds like your giving the money and the present not because you have to or feel you should but because your trying to gain brownie points (points in your favour).

You left a nice message (I assume) telling her you love her and thats was a nice thing to do I think the best thing to give her now is time and space there is a thin line between loving someone and stalking someone just make sure you don't cross that line. Maybe you could send a card just saying happy Christmas an tell her you will understand any choice she makes and that your cool with being a friend (If you genuinly want to and can without the hidden agenda) if you can't be friends then just send the card happy christmas and be cool!

Thats it thats all i got for you not too helpful but hey I hope it's offered some new insight! Either way goodluck

[FIFA04]

Yeah I think you're right turbomx3, giving her the $$ would make it feel like i'm paying off a debt collector and I would feel like I was trying to buy back her love which I know I cant do. I will just give her a small gift and a card.

As an update, she included me on an email list of her friends when she forwarded a funny email joke so I assume she wants to keep me as a friend at least. I'm not going to email her. I'll keep quite until I send the gift on christmas.

[PIZZ]

I dont think i'd even send her a gift. I would just have no contact with her at all. Wait till she calls you, if she does. I think she might expect you to contact her. If she sees you are sending her gifts still she will know you are still stuck on her and she will play the game. She will probably get a kick out of having you still stuck on her. Do the reverse and let her contact you. If she misses you she will call. Thats just my 2 cents.