Recently broke up, now stuck in limbo

[RML604]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3+ years (We're both 25 now). We lived together for 9 months but then we broke up because we were constantly fighting. What made it worse was that neither of us really had many friends around, so we were always home together, and always fighting. It eventually reached the point where I would come home and go on the computer, and she would sit in the living room and watch tv, and we'd pretty much not talk to each other for most of the night.

Anyway, she moved in with a friend about a month ago and I'm moving into my own place tomorrow. The problem is I really love her, and I want to be with her, but I don't know how to win her back.

To give you some background on our relationship, we started dating in college. I've always had a lot of friends, but I find myself uncomfortable when I'm with a large group of people that I don't know, even if I'm with my friends at the same time. So in college, while everyone was going to the bars and house parties, my gf and I stayed in. Unfortunately, the reason she was staying in was because she was depressed. She had told me that she was depressed, but I didn't really know much about it, and didn't really think there was much I could do about it.

Back to the present, she has since made a ton of work friends and is going out all the time. Even though she says that she wants us to work and get back together eventually, I feel like she is moving on and leaving me behind. It's just very hard to talk to her and hear she's out with friends or planning on going out while I'm sitting at home doing nothing. I'm sure I could go out with her and her friends, but I just get so uncomfortable when I'm with a group of people I don't know. It's strange though because I'm not a shy person (I was voted class clown in high school), but when I'm out of my comfort zone I really close up.

The other problem is I'm extremely emotionally inaccessible. The only time I am able to really speak my mind is when we're in a huge fight. But most of the time she's just telling me what I did wrong (too selfish, not thoughtful enough, not passionate enough about her), and I just kind of sit there and take it because I think for the most part she's right. I kinda feel like a child getting yelled at, and I never really have a good response.

I guess my question is how do you know when you're just too different than someone else for things to work? I want to be with her and eventually marry her, but I just feel like I would have to change so much for us both to be truly happy. I'm not good at caring for other people (she says all she has ever wanted was for someone to take care of her. her parents are really nice, but they dropped the ball on being there for her in her childhood.), nor am I good at socializing, and I'm not good at putting someone else ahead of me. I think she's probably right when she says I'm selfish, and I don't think I'm selfish to everybody, but I think when it comes to our relationship I am. I just feel like we've dug ourselves into such a hole, and there's so much pent up aggression and anger toward each other that there's no way we can even get back to ground zero. It just sucks because we both really love each other.

[starbuck]

It does sound like you do have some personality traits to work on. I doubt that being emotionally inaccessible is going to work in any relationship and you could probably stand to get out more and make more friends (for your own sake, not hers). Just make sure whatever changes you want to make, you want to make for your self. It's always a bad idea to try and change for others.

I say take a break from her, give yourself some time to work on yourself and let old wounds heal. Then revisit the idea of getting back together after a few months to half a year. I don't think it's going to work unless you two get a break from each other. Without the break, it would be easy to fall into old habits.