We're on a break, but should I move on?

[laurah89]

Hi everyone I'm new on here, hoping you can help me out.
Last night my bf of 1 1/2yrs. and I went "on a break". We have been fighting alot lately (I am annoyed with him because he has started acting imature for no reason (he's almost 26 years old! and I'm only 20), and thought it was funny to "joke" and call me fatty,ugly,crazy etc. and he was annoyed with me because I have major trust issues). Now I do have reason for these trust issues as him & I dated also 3yrs. ago and we went "on a break" back then and he then dated someone else behind my back & lied about it because we had stated on this break we weren't going to see other people. YES I KNOW..I'M STUPID for taking him back. But he vowed to to make it up for me & was doing very well for the first 8 months, but from then on it's gone all downhill.

Now we knew something had to be done because we were driving each other crazy. This is my first love and I never got over him the 1st time we broke up. At first he suggested we breakup because he said he won't stay with someone who can't trust him. I told him that I would do whatever it takes to work on trusting him again, as long as he took initiative to improve upon his immature behaviours. He then said we will take a break from each other and just spend time apart to see if we can both work on our issues & hopefully if the time away makes the heart grow fonder and we appreciate what we have. And I told him specifically if he still loves me and these are the reasons for the break, then: We are NOT going to see other people/date/kiss anyone else, and I told him if you feel the need that you need to go test yourself out with someone else to see if I'm the one you want...go out and do it but that he won't be coming back to me. He is almost 26 and needs to grow up. Oh and thought I should add, he has alot of female friends due to his schooling program being female-dominant which is fine--but is it not a little messed up that he won't let me meet them? He says the only reason I want to meet them is to see who they are and apparently "stalk them" and that they are his friends not mine & if they aren't going to be my friends then why do I want to meet them?

I don't know what the right decision is? He sounded very sincere last night telling me that he still loved me & knew this was the only way that we would ever have a chance in the future, because if not we would definitely self-destruct. But there are so many red flags screaming at me regarding his past, not meeting his friends & his idea to take a break. Should I just try to move on in the meantime to save myself the heartache should he announce he's not coming back or goes off with some other girl? Just to save myself...last time he announced the break it was unexpected & I literally couldn't get over it & spent 4 months crying myself to sleep everynight until I was put on antidepressants. So, do I move on, or believe him and keep my hope that he will come back?

[vashti]

You have a significant (although not unheard of) age gap. Honestly, that alone makes me wonder about his maturity level. You will find that as you grow older and more secure with yourself (as is natural), you will find you have less and less in common with him because he has a problem with stunted maturity, and you are growing up, so in my opinion, this relationship is very unlikely to last.

That said, his behavior is suspicious, and the way he "jokes" is completely unacceptable. If I were you, I'd just get rid of him. Even if you don't believe it now, you CAN do better.

[xluckythangx]

I agree with the last poster, you can do way better! there is no reason joking or not that he should EVER call you fat, crazy, ugly or anything else. That's nothing to joke around about.
About his friends that he doesn't let you meet, thats suspicious. I'm sorry but if my man had a lot of friends that were girls, oh you bet your bottom I'd know each and everyone of them & he wouldn't be going ANYWHERE with them, without me. To be honest, I've come to the conclusion that guys don't want to be girls friends, they always want more, just what I've realized trying to be "just friends" with guys. I'm not sure if its the same for him, maybe they are just his friends but its no reason to not allow you to meet them. You were his girlfriend which thats the one and only reason you need to meet them.
Also, i don't think that a "break" is really the only thing that would make this relationship work, there's a lot of other things you two could have done to make it work.
I would move on, save yourself, the heart-ache and the waste of time because I really don't see this relationship going anywhere,he's just not to the maturity level that your at.

[laurah89]

Hey you guys...just wanted to thank you for your responses. My parents and friends think I should have dumped him a long time ago when he started with the "jokes". I have a problem with being a doormat though for people I love and I will do just about anything for them...hence I agreed to stick around for him for the break.

Any tips on how to start moving on? I'm actually moving in 2 weeks (nothing to do with this situation) which I think would be good to get a new place where there are no lingering memories. I am going to get a box of some sort and put all the things he has given to me, bought me, pictures of us etc. into it for the time being so I am not reminded of it. I am trying to go out more with my friends in the meantime but it's hard being the only person now without a boyfriend in my group of friends because they always want to do "couple things". Mainly I just want a way to keep myself from going crazy thinking about him, because that's what I do. Especially now that we aren't hanging out like we used to 24/7...my mind is constantly wandering and playing tricks on me and thinking what is he doing, is he off trying to find someone new? It's so annoying and I don't know how to stop thinking like that.

I'm trying to look at the bigger picture as there would be many obstacles as he wants to move far away & suddenly says he doesn't want kids in the future anymore. MY ONLY 2 FEARS REALLY? -- 1.having to be alone, and 2.him finding someone else. Any tips on how to deal with that aspect should this break end in a break-up???

Thanks again you guys!

[vashti]

I think you should build a life without him. Take up a new hobby or two, take a class for fun, make some new friends.

While you are doing this, I will keep my fingers crossed that you come fully to your senses and realize you could do much better in the boyfriend department.

[Gigabitch]

You're just still attached. It will fade.

Clarify with him that you're no longer "on a break" but in fact are really broken up. Then initiate No Contact (and this means no obsessing over him, either). He's a jerk and you know it. The fact that you are so easily bonded to other people is a reflection of your own openness. If you stay with this guy, he will turn you into a bitter, untrusting, angry person. You don't deserve that, and neither does the guy that you're eventually going to end up with.

You see what I'm saying? This clown isn't the love of your life. You haven't met that guy yet. he's out there, somewhere, learning life's lessons so he won't be a total nincompoop when you find each other, and you should be doing the same. Learn the lesson about getting rid of unworthy guys, right now.