Winning her back

[and_for_what]

Summary: [url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/26734-winning-her-back.html#post409810[/url]

Hi everyone. About two years ago I posted on here quite a bit when I had just met my girlfriend and was all confused and shit. I was a real pussy back then and as you'll see now, I still am. Things turned out pretty ****ing awesome, and I was so incredibly happy with it all. Recently she hasn't been, though - after meeting a new guy. They are very much "together" now, since new year's eve, and I am in a really dark place. I never write short posts, sorry:

I am in my 20’s and I’d been with my girlfriend for two years and a few months. That’s probably not such a long time according to some people, but it’s more than just a short while. She was my first and I was hers, and I was sure I’d keep her forever. I still want to, and that’s the point of this thread. If I wrote everything that has happened and described our entire relationship it would take forever – well it would just not be possible, in fact. So this is the situation, approximately:

I moved to this town to be with her, about two and half months ago. Shortly thereafter, or was it even before that, she met a guy at work who she told me about. We were very open with each other and talking about other hot people was not unusual. She was quite taken by this guy, anyway, and he was with her. She’s extremely pretty and nice – many people find her attractive. She carried on talking about him for quite a while. Things seemed fine to me, and I was very happy with how everything was between us. She increasingly voiced concerns, however. She wished we could *do* more things, and have friends, and go out and all that shit. I mostly ignored her and didn’t encourage any of that stuff. There’s more to it than that, but basically I was a fag and was treating her crap. She wanted excitement and to meet other people. Like I said, we were each other’s first – first everything. She started to want to find out what other people are like. I had no such desires – I thought she was awesome in every way and I wanted to stay with her indefinitely. If we were ranked by the public, she would be rated far, far more attractive than I. She’s also much nicer and more friendly than me, and all in all that leads to a fragile relationship, surely.
Anyway so blah blah blah etc., etc. and then this guy invited her round to his house on New Year’s eve. She e-mailed me all excited saying how much she wants to go round, and would I let her? I have no balls at all, and didn’t think it was up to me to stop her, so I didn’t object. I figured they’d sit around and talk and listen to music and then he’d take her home. That’s how it would have been in my day. But it turns out that they spent the day wandering historic sites, then went back to his house and cooked a meal, sat by the fire and talked forever, and then she wanted to stay, so he made them a bed by the fire. One bed, for both of them, without asking. Is that how kids do it these days? The first night she stayed at mine she had a sleeping bag and pillow and slept in our living room. Same with when I went to hers. It was a while before we slept in the same bed. Anyway, so they got pretty sexual and all that, everything but actual intercourse, not that that makes it any better. She also stayed the next night, too.
I had no idea of the extent of it until a few days later. I felt sick, really sick. And very cold. I still feel really ill and am getting worse. I can’t make this post all about how utterly destroyed I feel, though.

I met up with her on the Saturday and she clarified that she has no wish to continue our relationship. Apparently she doesn’t like this other guy any more either, because him liking her is a turn-off, but that’s what she kept saying about me in the beginning, too. And she said it about this guy to me as well, multiple times over the past couple of months, but she always goes back for more.

Sure enough, she spent the whole of the next day with him, while I waited outside her house for two hours, then later sat inside with her mother for quite a while, waiting for her to come back. When she did, she said she was going straight back out again to spend the night at a friend’s house. Of course it was the same guy, I knew that's where she'd been – her mother doesn’t know, though, I guess.
I went outside and he was there in his car. My gf ran out and hopped in, saying to me some bullshit phrase about seeing me soon, and they drove off quickly. Now would be a good time to tell you about him.

Basically he’s like me in certain ways but a lot better at it. He’s taller, a couple of years older, and more handsome. He has a car, I ride a bike. He lives in an awesome house in the middle of a forest – I live in a shit rented room in the city. He’s new and exciting and shows more interest in her than I did. Actually we met him once, a few weeks ago, while we were out together, and I, like a fag, left them alone and didn’t hang around to impose myself. I’ve progressed a lot since my last posts, where I was a whining gay loser, but I’m still like that really, I guess.

He drove her to work thismorning and picked her up tonight. Right now I presume they’re getting it on by the fire in his big warm house.



So anyway, I’ve been through all kinds of weird emotions so far in 2009. I’ve barely slept or ate and I feel very stressed and ill. Everything I did and hoped to do, was built on her and us. My whole reality is shattered and all that gay shit. It’s true though. A glimmer of hope through my black SKIES OF DESPAIR is the plan to win her back. I will do so, or die trying. Without her I have absolutely nothing left, nothing at all, so there’s no way I can just run off to Tibet or something, and leave her alone.
I reckon the most likely thing is that she will continue in her adoration of this guy, and he will feel the same, I’m sure – and they will probably stay together.

Right, so – considering that he is better than me in every way, and trumps all of my unique selling points, and treats her better than I ever did or ever even thought to – how do I win her back?

Here’s a plan at the moment. She had come to hate me as she saw me and us – she thinks we were stale and rotten and boring. Also, I apparently didn’t know her as well as I thought I did, and I failed to please her. So instead of expecting her to ditch this new guy and come back to the crap old life with me, I need to start over. What if I introduce myself to her as though we haven’t met before? Obviously it won’t fool her but she might think it’s a bit fun and go along with it. I could have pretend chances to do things better. I could try to impress and excite her and do things right. Put head-to-head with the new guy, though, I’d be at a massive disadvantage. I don’t think I have any aces up my sleeve that could help me. Our having been together a long time is a negative thing, not a positive one – it won’t be something I can leverage to help my case.
What do you reckon to that, though, in principle? I would have to catch her one night when she’s at home, which might not be for a while – she’s spending every night with her new dude.

On the one hand, maybe I should leave some time to let everything settle down, but on the other hand, the longer I leave it the more she will grow attached to the new guy and the harder it would be for me to get my foot in the door. I want to get her round to my house ASAP, I think. I don’t know when she’d come, though – basically just because she liked being at home more than at my house, usually, and so with the new “his house” option, there will be no time spare to be at mine.

To be honest my only real hope is some dramatic event that completely compromises his suitability for her, and re-establishes mine. Like him trying to kill her and me saving her. But that won’t happen, I realise.

I did consider confronting the dude, and talking to him about it. He was left by his girlfriend of four years when she got bored of him and found another guy. I also am lead to believe that he has not been told much, or anything really, by my girlfriend about her/our past. He must have wondered who I was now, though, after seeing me at her house.
And in any case, what good could it do? Even if he turns out to be more of a fag than me, and says he won’t see her again, she will still want to see him, or some other guy, or maybe no one. Speaking to him won’t make her think I’m awesome. Anyway I feel ****ing tiny and gay compared to him – I don’t know if I could muster enough presence to make a good job of it. And what would I even say? Nah, that option wouldn’t work at all. Tell me if you disagree, though.

I need to emphasise that this isn't a "rebound" for her. He's been around for a couple of months now and was the catalyst for her leaving me. So we can't say that it won't last or anything - he's not just some random dude who she bumped into after telling me to go.

I’ll leave it there for now.

How can I win her back?

Women, please offer your take on things as well, please. Actually there’s nothing mysterious about her behaviour. When a hot, new and exciting person comes along and shows a big interest in you, anyone would be as taken and enthusiastic as she is.

thanks

P.S. written the next morning - yea I'm not being all needy and in contact with her too much. Though I was a ****ing sorry sight when we last met up and she killed my soul. This is teh intranets so I can admit that I was lying on the ground crying. I must have looked like a real gay to her that day, but if I hadn't let it out a bit I feel that I'd be very, very sick by now.
She started a new job this week and so I e-mailed her yesterday, calmly and neutrally, asking if I could hear a bit about how it went. She hasn't been in touch for days, though.

ok that's it really now

thanks a lot

[Cbrider]

You don't want her back, shes a plague on your life ATM and a cheater as far as I'm concerned. She obviously has no regard for your feelings and doesn't really care how you feel. Stop talking to her all together, shes only going to cause you pain.

You wont win her back, shes made up her mind and packed up. I try to not speak in absolutes, so I wont say you may never see her again, but the only way you two will ever get back together is if she decided that she wants to try again later down the road.

You need to work on your self image and confidence, you talk down about yourself in every aspect. Not only is that detrimental to you, but its going to project to other people and no one wants to date someone who such a bad outlook on themselves.

This is your chance to move on whether you planned on it or not.

I went through the same thing like 4 months ago, my girlfriend did the whole "liking another guy" thing with me and it eventually broke us apart because she had no self control about this other guy. Close all lines of communication, if they don't come back, then they don't come back, no loss because they didn't care enough in the first place.

You were right in not telling her that she could or couldn't go over to this guys house on New Year's. You shouldn't have to tell your girlfriend what she can and can't do. When you care about someone you need to be able to make a judgment call whether they would be okay with it or not.

You need to work hard on the positives, there are going to be a lot of "what if's" and questioning of why she left you for him. I was really broken up about my ex liking another guy, but it helps when the people around you reassure you. All I heard from everyone I knew was how much better I was and how much more I offered than the new guy and eventually I realized they were right. I'm better in more ways than I care to count and thats what you need to realize. If you made mistakes learn from them, don't let them haunt you.

It sucks, it hurts, it makes you feel like there is something wrong with you......theres not.

[and_for_what]

Thanks for the reply. I don't like you approach at all, though:

My text in bold:

You don't want her back

Yes I do

, shes a plague on your life ATM and a cheater as far as I'm concerned.

Cheater, yes, in a way. Though it was no secret and she considered us finished anyway

She obviously has no regard for your feelings and doesn't really care how you feel.

No, I think she does care about how I feel. She was very upset that I was so sad about it all. It's just that her enjoyment of the new guy and her dislike of our old relationship outweighs her wish for me not to be sad. That is the case every time a couple break up, of course.

Stop talking to her all together, shes only going to cause you pain.

You wont win her back, shes made up her mind and packed up. I try to not speak in absolutes, so I wont say you may never see her again, but the only way you two will ever get back together is if she decided that she wants to try again later down the road.

I'm not sure with what authority or experience you can say that - can you clarify? Would you say that "all" women would do that, and so you can assume it covers my gf?

You need to work on your self image and confidence, you talk down about yourself in every aspect. Not only is that detrimental to you, but its going to project to other people and no one wants to date someone who such a bad outlook on themselves.

I'm very happy with myself in most ways. I like me a lot. I make no apology for feeling so shit about myself at the moment, though, considering the circumstances.

This is your chance to move on whether you planned on it or not.

I went through the same thing like 4 months ago, my girlfriend did the whole "liking another guy" thing with me and it eventually broke us apart because she had no self control about this other guy. Close all lines of communication, if they don't come back, then they don't come back, no loss because they didn't care enough in the first place.

You were right in not telling her that she could or couldn't go over to this guys house on New Year's. You shouldn't have to tell your girlfriend what she can and can't do. When you care about someone you need to be able to make a judgment call whether they would be okay with it or not.

You need to work hard on the positives, there are going to be a lot of "what if's" and questioning of why she left you for him. I was really broken up about my ex liking another guy, but it helps when the people around you reassure you. All I heard from everyone I knew was how much better I was and how much more I offered than the new guy and eventually I realized they were right. I'm better in more ways than I care to count and thats what you need to realize.
I find this a bit creepy, and sad. I don't want other people, who knew nothing (compared to her and I) of her or our relationship, telling me how great I am and how shit she was. If you really offered [her] so much more than the new guy then why did she leave you?


If you made mistakes learn from them, don't let them haunt you.
This is what I intend to do, either way. I'm not going to pretend I did everything right and she was in the wrong. I don't believe it now, and presumably I won't ever come to believe it without intentionally trying to force that belief into my mind.

It sucks, it hurts, it makes you feel like there is something wrong with you......theres not.

Her going off with this guy has barely changed how I feel about her. I do like her less for it, sure, but I'm still desperate to have her back. I think she's great, and I believe it was my failiures that drove her away. I can identify them exactly, I feel embaressed to have acted how I did. And she certainly let me know she wasn't happy with things, but I ignored it for months. I was so happy looking down at her that I never noticed the storm clouds on the horizon.
I don't find it a pallatable idea to try to convince myself that I was/am in the right, or better than her or him. I intend to make myself in the right, instead. It can't change the past but it will mean I can make the most of any second (more like 100th) chance I get with her.

[Lite]

OK, here's where you're just being pathetic.

She's exhibiting gold-digging behavior, ****ing another guy behind your back, openly LYING to you about her behaviors, being pretty much anything but honest, open, loving, and all those things you'd like to have in a mate.

You've already stated you're a worthless pussy, and guess what. She knows it too.

Yes, you've owned up that you've made mistakes, but what you really need to do is some serious soul searching alone about why you did those things, and how you can fix the broken parts of your psyche that have turned you into such a whiny, pathetic, loser.

It wasn't your failures that drove her away, if that were the case she'd have cleanly ended the relationship with you up front. Instead she dangled this guy in front of you like a carrot of what she wanted you to be (Instead of who you are mind you. BIG difference here.) in order to keep dating you.

Stop being a ****ing doormat. Be ANGRY. This shit hurts, and it's not fun to go through. Yes people do things that **** up relationships, but the thing you don't do is openly lie to the person you're dating by ****ing someone behind their back.

You're what, 20 years old? You've barely lived life, have no idea who the hell you are, who the hell you want to be, and who you would actually really want as a mate. What you are wanting right now isn't the cheating girlfriend, you want comfort in what you already knew. That's why you want her back.

Take a long, hard look at your life, figure out how to change what you need to change for YOUR sake, and stop being a pushover. You're not her ATM, her emotional doormat, or her first everything. You're a man who needs to find his balls.

[and_for_what]

She's exhibiting gold-digging behavior, ****ing another guy behind your back, openly LYING to you about her behaviors, being pretty much anything but honest, open, loving, and all those things you'd like to have in a mate.


...the thing you don't do is openly lie to the person you're dating by ****ing someone behind their back.

Unless you know something I don't then there has been no deceit and lying whatsoever. She told me about this guy right away when she met him, and she told me she was going to his house and she told me she like him and all that stuff. Why do say she's been dishonest and lied?

You're what, 20 years old?
several years older, unfortunately

thanks for the reply

[Lite]

thanks for the reply

Uhm, the part where she fooled around w/ the guy sexually? The part where she didn't ask you if you'd be OK with that first when you're in a committed relationship? How about "I'm staying the night at a friend's house, bye!" and jumping into her car w/ him in it in front of you and her mother?

You do realize that omission of details isn't any different than lying right?

[JustInCase]

First, be a man and get a grip. You don’t need a fancy house, a nice car, or anything to please a girl. Love and attraction should be natural and if both parties like each other, which should be enough for being together.

Second, stop lowering yourself down. This is not going to help you in anyway. You think very highly of her, but I am willing to bet that she is just an average girl in other people’s eye. Remember, you’re the most important being for you, no one else.

Third, you love her, but she does not return your love. My friend, love is something mutual, not one way, and you should know that, right? From what I read, it sounds like that she no longer has feelings for you. You need to move on and forget about her. Go out and meet other women, and as soon as you start to meet other women, you will feel lot better (watch movie, Swingers). There are so many, beautiful girls out there; you don’t need to suffer over this girl. Believe me, no girlfriend of mine should ever sleeping over at some dude’s house (unless dude happens to be her family members)!

[and_for_what]

Uhm, the part where she fooled around w/ the guy sexually? The part where she didn't ask you if you'd be OK with that first when you're in a committed relationship?

I don't know if she expected that to happen on their first "date". I didn't, but apparently people do do that. She told me everything the next time we spoke, anyway.

How about "I'm staying the night at a friend's house, bye!" and jumping into her car w/ him in it in front of you and her mother?

That wasn't lying really. She knew that I knew it was him, there was no doubt about it, and the best term for him is a "friend" at this stage, especially infront of her family (who wouldn't have heard of him before and wouldn't know his name).

You do realize that omission of details isn't any different than lying right?

_______________

[and_for_what]

I can't edit my first post, it's over the length limit - so here is a summary for people:

EDIT: Here's a quick summary for you all:
> Been with my gf for a few years
> She became increasingly dissatisfied with how I treated her and I didn't listen or do anything about it
> She met a guy a few months ago and rather liked him
> On new year's eve she stayed over at his house and has barely spent a minute out of his bed ever since
> I really want her back

[Cain]

I can safely say that as long as you're fighting to get her back and appearing like a desperate pussy, you're not going to get anywhere with her.

The best way to get her back if you truly want her back is to look like you don't need her in your life. Carry on with yourself. Women don't find desperation attractive.

[IamTHATguy]

Win her back? I know times must be hard for you man, but take a minute to think what you really want, you can't really want her back and risk all this pain again ?
Just let her go,

[and_for_what]

Win her back? I know times must be hard for you man, but take a minute to think what you really want, you can't really want her back and risk all this pain again ?
Just let her go,

I'd rather risk this again than ever have to deal with never having her back. All my energy is going towards hanging onto the only scrap of life I have left, which is the need to get her back. I've seen what's below me if I let go, and it's a really ****ing dark place.

[Cain]

I'd rather risk this again than ever have to deal with never having her back. All my energy is going towards hanging onto the only scrap of life I have left, which is the need to get her back. I've seen what's below me if I let go, and it's a really ****ing dark place.

You should be focusing on making yourself not so desperate, pathetic, needy, and clingy instead of trying to get her back. She can smell this desperation on you and it is not attractive to her, I assure you.

You need to work on yourself before you can ever plan to have another relationship.

[and_for_what]

You should be focusing on making yourself not so desperate, pathetic, needy, and clingy instead of trying to get her back. She can smell this desperation on you and it is not attractive to her, I assure you.

You need to work on yourself before you can ever plan to have another relationship.

She can't smell or see a damn thing - I haven't heard a word from her for days now and we haven't met up or anything like that. I doubt I've even featured in her thoughts once.
I can act however I need to here on the internet, or in private in real life.

[Lite]

I'd rather risk this again than ever have to deal with never having her back. All my energy is going towards hanging onto the only scrap of life I have left, which is the need to get her back. I've seen what's below me if I let go, and it's a really ****ing dark place.

Right. So let's cover this right now. YOU are the only person who can save YOU. Sure, you can use someone else as a life raft for a bit, until you drown them in your pathetic neediness.

Learn to stand on your own two feet and be happy living your life alone. Then go find someone to date.