Am I in love? Should I stay or leave?

[jjhung]

I have been dating my BF for six months. We were both 5 months off a previous relationship when we met and so we got close quickly. His ex-GF found out about me and wanted him back, consistently calling him. First few months he ignored her but a few weeks ago he has a new assignment near her house and started having dinner with her and then stay over. Unfortunately we have an open relationship, even though I haven't been dating other guys and I don't think he has seen anyone else until his ex-GF comes back. But I noticed our relationship is not as intimate and when I discussed with him, he readily admitted it is probably because he is taking me for granted that I'm there every weekend so the excitement we had was gone. After he told me he was taking me for granted, I got upset and wanted a month break to sort thru my feelings but I missed him and went to see him the next weekend only to find her there. I called and called but he didn't pick up my phone and when he finally called me back I told him I knew she was there and he admitted it was awkward for him to answer the phone and they both knew that was me. The next night we talked again when he called me from his cell and then his home phone rang he said that's probably his ex- and went to pick up the phone and told her he'll call her later. I asked him why he couldn't answer my call but answered hers and he said it was awkward when she was there but I was only on the phone so it felt easier. But he also express reservation about being with her saying he has doubt their relationship will work. I am confused as to what to do. Of course right now it is up to him what he wants to do, I have no choice but to wait. It is funny how I didn't really think I like him that much at first. Then the feeling got stronger as I began to like him a lot and think of him often and really enjoy spending time with him. I have to talk to him on the phone almost every night before going to sleep during the weekday in the last few months. Am I in love with him and not even know about it?

[Innova]

I hate to say this, but leave him. He's obiously in a mix between the two. It's going to be mroe of a burden if you continue onward with all of this.

As for being in love him...no you are not, the reason? Because your questioning it. Being in "real" love cannot be questioned; because you feel something beyond all other human emotion, something that cannot be stated in words, no matter how hard you try.

You have a choice, you do not have to wait. Its his way of falling back upon you if his "ex" doesn't work. He may have some sort of feeling for you, but its not the ones your looking for.

If this answer doesn't help ya, wait for Icequeen or Sfalexi. They are a bit better with these "Should or Shouldn't I?" questions.

[squirrley]

I agree with Innova. You do have the choice to stay or leave. Ive been in those shoes and it sucks. Dont wait for him to make a decision, make it yourself. Obvioulsy youre not happy with whats happening. I was freakn miserable everyday just waiting. REALLY as much as you care for him, its not worth YOUR mental state going to hell.

I dont believe you guys are in love...its impossible knowing hes around her. If he shared those feelings for you his X wouldnt be part of this period. Im sure there are feelings just not on the level you want.

I would let him know you dont deserve this and your moving on.
It seems cold..but in the end YOU WILL feel a hundred times better! He doesnt your attention.

Wait and see what the rest of the crew of thinks...

[Pretender]

jjhung I would leave him hun. This situation seems to be hurting you and why should you hurt over someone who's not really worth it in the first place?

I'm sure hes a great guy just not your great guy. You hear this all the time I'm sure but you always have to remember theres more than one fish in the sea. You're gonna find a guy that makes you happy and you're going to think, "wow, I can't believe I stuck around in that last 'relationship' so long, look at all I missed out on."

Go out and find yourself a new guy and have fun, no more worries.

[jjhung]

Sigh... He just called me wanting to know my size. He's at an event and there are some women's polo shirt on sale he wants to get me. I didn't tell you guys the whole story. The day right after I last talked to him, I sent him a card that I think is quite funny and wrote that even though he didn't miss me, hopefully he will at least think of me a bit when he gets the card. The very next morning he sent me an email to say thank you and also told me he thinks of me a lot even at 4:30am in the morning. I don't know what to think, it doesn't exactly makes me feel a whole lot better. Probably because I already know that 99% of the people that gave me advise said I should leave him and my head tells me that's the right thing to do but my heart just want to be with him. Yet we have an open relationship, so all this technically I can't say he did anything wrong. Although I'd say a bad choice of whom he sees since she would be the only one I feel threatened. And that's why I wanted to break it off thinking that she will get him to leave me.

I know it is a totally different topic but what's the rule of open relationship? Can he get together with his ex? Supposedly he shouldn't have to choose between any of us if it's an open relationship? We can still keep seeing each other with her in the picture? I just don't want to be secondary, like when he didn't take my call, it really pissed me off. Assuming he can't make up his mind, I am still willing to stay together as long as he agrees to put me first and sees her only when I can't see him. Of course I'd much rather he breaks off with her completely, but I can see her keep calling and wanting to get back with him. Somehow he needs to get her out of his system.

When we get into a relationship with someone, are we supposed to commit ourselves right away? How do we know if the relationship is worth investing in? Under what circumstances when something goes wrong that we should try to fix the relationship instead of breaking it off. In a way I learn a lot from this experience. For example, before I suggest having an open relationship, I should tell him that I was uncomfortable that he has their picture at the desk after we've been going out for 2 months, which makes me think that I shouldn't commit to the relationship because I have doubts he might go back with her. Also I probably don't have what it takes to stay in an open relationship.

I am thinking that even if he decides to stay with me, I want to tell him we should keep cool for at least 3 more months. That means we can still talk a lot on the phone but not good idea to be together. May be just have dinner every other week and no sex. Do you guys think I am crazy? I think since we both were out of the last relationship for 5 months when we met, neither of us were really ready for a new relationship. We both were healing and it is easy to want each other's company. I think right now I miss his kisses and his gentle touchs, is this just something I wanted to get over the pain from the last break up? I am feeling lonely without him, but now I am learning to withstand that. My best distraction now is actually reading the forum. I hope I will be okay. Someone said if I really like him, I shouldn't let him go so readily. What do you think?

[sfalexi]

As to your original post, here's my take. . . you had an open relationship which means he was having his cake and was allowed to eat it too. I personally would never want an open relatoinship when sex is involved, but since you KNEW it was open and didn't seem to mind, I don't think you really have the right to get upset AT HIM. You can be upset at the situation, but do realize that you didn't do anything to prevent it. He was even honest with you in telling you that he was seeing his ex and so he's just playing by the rules here.

But he also express reservation about being with her saying he has doubt their relationship will work. I am confused as to what to do. Of course right now it is up to him what he wants to do, I have no choice but to wait.

Well, be careful here. I don't know him, but he COULD be trying to play you both. Sex from you, sex from her, both within the 'bounds' of the relationship. My advice is to cut off sex until he decides what he wants. You or her. That way he'll be forced to make a decision quickly instead of taking his time and enjoying all the sex while he takes his time to decide. Not to mention who KNOWS where his ex has been and what she might have that could be transmitted to him, and then to you.

I know it is a totally different topic but what's the rule of open relationship? Can he get together with his ex? Supposedly he shouldn't have to choose between any of us if it's an open relationship? We can still keep seeing each other with her in the picture?

The rules in an open relationship are whatever ones YOU set. For instance, my ex and I are now in an open relationship. We can date other people. She just asks that if I were to want to get ANY type of physical with any other girl (even kiss) that I call and let her know and that way she will forget about me and know to move on completely. Likewise with her. So we can date and have a good time, but we can't do with other people what we don't do together ourselves. I suggest figuring out what YOUR limits are in this relationship. It has to be set and agreed upon by both of you. And then you have to have the faith to believe the other person will abide by them.

When we get into a relationship with someone, are we supposed to commit ourselves right away? How do we know if the relationship is worth investing in? Under what circumstances when something goes wrong that we should try to fix the relationship instead of breaking it off.

This is all up to the person. Some women/men believe that they are to date one and ONLY one person at a time, making a full commitment to getting to know that person and ONLY that person. Others want open relationships for a LONG time (which to me, 5 months is fairly long). Others, like myself and my ex and most others I talk to, believe that a relationship can be open until you are sure that this person really could be worth a long-term thing. And then it's time to put all your eggs in one basket and see how it goes. Once again, up to the person. And don't always think that the other person thinks like you. You may be dating two or three guys at one time while one of those guys thinks he's the only one. So not everyone is the same.

am thinking that even if he decides to stay with me, I want to tell him we should keep cool for at least 3 more months. That means we can still talk a lot on the phone but not good idea to be together. May be just have dinner every other week and no sex. Do you guys think I am crazy?

That's what you think should happen, but it's probably going to be a wierd thing when you say it to him. He's going to think that you don't want him or are trying to make up your mind as to whether he's good enough for you and may take offense. But as long as you let him know exactly why you're doing this, it shouldn't be too much of a problem.

All in all, you pretty much made your bed here so you have to now lie in it and ponder what you've done. Also, you're right, if it doesn't work out between you two, you have learnt a lot through this five month relationship. And now you know a few things to be more clear about for future ones.

Alexi

[RobertPatrick99]

you may find my question and comments helpful, as my situation is similar.. the only difference is the fact that we promised not the sleep with other ppl.

i agree with the others, leave him. he must not care very deeply about you or he would not be seeing her and not considering leaving you for her..

[anachronistic]

THIS IS FROM 2004! WHAT THE HELL ROBERT PATRICK99?!

Why?...

[jjhung]

Hi guys,

I was surprised to see that someone replied to my post after more than 3 years. Do people actually come back and tell the ending?

Mine is that we got back together, I went through a year of therapy and reading about relationship/self improvement books. I learned a lot about myself during that time, especially how to evaluate and be truthful about my own feelings, how to communicate in a constructive way and also finally see the mistakes I made in past relationships.

Fast forward to today, we've been happily married for 1-1/2 year and we just had a beautiful baby girl who turned one month old today.

Thank you all for your advice during a very tough time in my life. I am very lucky that things worked out for me. Best wishes to all of you.

[shypink]

oMg!! you're story wa good!~~ heehh
afTer all at the end.. both of you are happy together!!!...