shit! i still care for him and dont want to be just friends!

[diesel on air]

There are two guys in my live. One of them is my private teacher. We've always been a bit flirty to each other + we have some friends in common. One day we met at the party, had some drinks and it finally happened. We started to kiss passionately. He told me all those thing about dreaming of me etc. I told him I liked him but wanted to stay professional during the classes, plus we were a bit drunk, so I didnt want to have that guilty conscience the day after. During the classes nothing really happened and there wasnt this 'tense atmosphere' at all. But he never called.

The Christmas came and I sent him some wishes, he replied nicely, but I've already known there was something wrong. Few weeks after I sent him a message that maybe we would hang out someday. He didnt replied but was nice as usual during the classes. I sent him another message and asked what's wrong, so he finally explained that he can't win the barier of student/teacher thing + there's an age difference. True, cause I'm almost 20 and he's 32, but it was him saying 'age is jsut a number'!

Then there was that lesson when his friend replaced him. He asked me to come down to the bar where he djs.
And so I did. My teacher was there. And other friends of us. I was ok to him, praised his friend for the lesson we had and told him what I liked about it most. Then I was introduced to that guy, Steven. He was so lovely.
Suddenly my friend heard that my teacher told 'in secret' to the girl I didnt know things like if I were in love with him and that he didnt know what to do about that. I got a bit furious, but calmed down, stopped talking to Steve and said very politely to my teacher: "Sorry for interrupting your talk but just wanted to tell you... Getting back to those txt messages we had, I think you took it too serious! I understand this thing about student/teacher and I am totally ok with that! Have no worries! I just wanted to go out like friends!" and I smiled in the most charming way I know. I saw he got really shocked and sat like if something had hit him, but I didnt care. I soke up in talk with Steve and we left together with another friend of ours to another bar.

I wanted to be just friends with Steve. I even flirted that night with my teacher's friend (the one I had lesson with) but as soon as realised he had a girlfriend I took my hands off him. I stayed with Steve for the rest of the night, we chatted and in the meanwhile he told me about the problems in relationship with his ex-gf he had and I told him some stuff from my private life as well. We were so amazed about that, cause we knew each other only for a couple of hours!
I dont know why, probably cause I didnt want to ruin this friendly atmosphere, I told him I had a boyfriend in Norway. And so I said to my teacher two weeks later during one lesson when we were talking about gap years during the studies. He was shocked again and I saw that sad face for a while.

I started to contact Steven more often. He was passionated about me being a dj and we had really good laugh together. Then this weekend, I went to a birthday party and got completely drunk. Steven called me and told where he was, plus he mentioned names of friends who were there, with my teacher's name included.
As I got to the bar they were in, my teacher was already gone and from the talk I had with others I suspected he left because of me.
But the worst thing was, I started getting really jelaous about Steven talking to the other women. My friend (a bit drunk as well) told him that and he started to apologise me (how sweet of him). Then we talked and talked and I told him some things I dont really remember, but they may sounded as : Steven I like you more than ever. I wanted to kiss him, but thanks God I didnt do that. We were really close to each other, I took his hands and it was really romantic for a while. But then the party was over and we had to leave. I gave him that special kiss and went home. Texted him being still drunk that I wanted to kiss him so badly,but didnt know if he would like it (stupid i know!) then he texted back with apologises again that there were so many friends of him that it was hard to talk to everyone (strange response but oh well) Then we sent few nice messages the next day.
And not to forget about my teacher - I've already had a lesson with him after that party. He made this one all the way I like (the way his friend did, the one I was so amazed with) and he was dressed really smart. And I saw this blush on his face when he talked to me and what's even worse I blushed as well. I tried to ignore him, but then he started being upset. Gosh, thats crazy!

Afterwards there was that night when Steve didnt text me though he was out. I met him in the bar with my teacher and other guys but I didnt even say hello. I was with my friends and my ex, we seemed really happy just on our own. Eventually I walked up to Steve when he was leaving. He was angry, though he didnt want to show it. I asked him out next day. I did. For a "proper date". It was ok, not too romantic, but I tried to find out whats in his head. Or rather in his heart. He said he likes my company a lot and we'll see what happens. I also told him I splited up with my bf,cause he was cheating on me. Unfortunately I really fell for Steven and wanted to see him more often. Then wednesday came and we went to the party together. It was really nice, the best evening I've ever had with him. Become friends of his friends + we kissed for the first time, though he was extremaly shy! Honestly, it was usually me touching him, but I saw that huge smile on his face, so I thought: oh well, its your turn to wear pants for a while! And here the love story finishes. Few days later he become more and more passive, so I asked him quite pushy if he was ignoring me. Of course the answer was really hard to handle - I like you a lot, your company and friendship, but i think thats all, sorry.
You dont want to know how I felt. The worse thing is I still like him. I texted him on the following day that its ok and I still want to be friends anyways. He was positive as well. We've been texting today as well. Its his birthday today anyways. I do like him, I still hope he'll miss me one day. I dont understand how he could change so much in between few days? He's 23 by the way.

And this bloody teacher still blows my mind. Plus he's a friend of Steven. I can't say I don't like him anymore but he hurt me, so I don't want to think of him anymore. Plus I'm afraid that if he understands that he'd lost me and now he realises how nice I am, he will defenately try to make Steven against me. r already did. He is so childish... But on the other hand why if he likes me being so nice to me during the lessons and makes them the way I like, why is he escaping from the party when I'm coming?

Long story, I know. The thing is people consider me to be really attractive and intelligent woman and that was me that used to break-up with blokes. What has happened then? Finally when I started to care..

[misombra]

i say stay away from these guys. they are obviously not really into you. plus you lied to them about some boyfriend in norway, which i'm sure they know is untrue. you shouldn't have to try this hard for even a friendship. talking behind your back and ignoring mean are signs. take heed.

[diesel on air]

it was only half-lie, cause I was really dating a norwegian guy at the moment.. Id like to ignore them and stay away, but I still have lessons with my teacher + I do like Steven.. even as a friend... He was always so nice and caring I dont want to lose him!