Should I tell his girlfriend he cheated on her with me?

[Paro]

Okay, I already posted an explanation about this on the broken hearts forum, but at the beginning of the summer I got involved with a guy who is in a 3-year relationship and lives with his girlfriend. I was getting over a relationship myself, and was fine just having a casual thing with this guy. It was communicated to me that he and his girlfriend were in an open relationship (after seeing him for a few weeks, I finally discovered that their relationship is NOT open--my romantic involvement with him stopped when I found that out).

He got me pregnant back in May, and we went and terminated the pregnancy together. He drove me to the clinic, paid for half, and overall was seemingly supportive, until afterwards, when I went through the awful emotional hormone reset, and he wasn't there for me. I never saw him, and would only hear from him after I called him like seven times, begging him to talk to me. It bothers me immensely just how absent he was during the worst of the ordeal.

So now here's my question. I have his girlfriend's name and contact information. Do I tell her what transpired this summer? I am not angry, nor looking to retaliate against him. After five weeks of hell my hormones are finally back to normal and I feel like myself again. But even though I no longer feel personally slighted by him, I am bothered by the fact that he's allowed to treat women like this. He is a 35-year-old middle school teacher; I am a 23-year-old college student. He deals with deadbeat parents all the time in the school system, and always talks with this air of moral superiority about how he's such a passionate teacher and how much it bothers him that no one, like parents and other teachers, seems to go "above and beyond" these days. And yet when he found himself in a situation that required him to rise up to the challenge of being there for me and being emotionally supportive of the girl that he knocked up, he was completely absent.

He has no intention of telling his girlfriend. They've been having a hard time and he's hoping to reconcile with her and let their relationship just continue on. But I personally would want to know if my boyfriend cheated me, and I would especially want to know if he got someone else pregnant. I wouldn't care whom I heard it from, even if it was the person he cheated on me with. Would you want to know if your boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on you, especially if you were living with them? Especially if it wasn't just a one-night stand but actually went on for a while? Would you want to know if they cheated on you and their infidelity actually resulted in a very significant ordeal, such as a pregnancy?

[brightgirl]

Hmmm... I vote for no, don't tell her.
Here's why: yes, he lied about being in an open relationship, but it was a casual sexual relationship (CSR) that you were comfortable being in. So he doesn't owe you anything.
A CSR can be walked away from at any time, no strings.
He was half to blame for the pregnancy, and he paid for his half. Yes, you pay more for an abortion than money, but the emotional aspect of it isn't something you can enforce unfortunately.
All hail the benefits of a real boyfriend.
He wasn't. He was a CSR and the CSR is over. You don't get any thing else from him and you don't get input into his life.
I know why you're tempted to tell her, that she should know what a liar and cheater he is, but I'm going to vote that it's up to her to find out who she's dating, and it's up to you to double check what people tell you in serious situations like this.
Actually, if he's this bad, it won't be long until she finds out.

[misombra]

i say no. she probably will not leave him, and she'll probably hate you more than she will hate him.

next time, don't reproduce with guys who say they are in open relationships, or any kind of relationship.

he's an asshat. but you fell for it. just be smarter next time.

[vashti]

This is exactly the sort of thing that happens in situations involving casual sex. You got what you agreed to. And yes, I'm afraid contacting her looks like vindictiveness to me....

Sorry, but I think you should just forget it ever happend and move on.

[Paro]

Would vindictiveness really be particularly wrong in this scenario? Maybe I was lying to myself by saying that I hold no grudge towards him and that I'm not angry at him anymore. We hooked up twice and I stopped seeing him because I didn't like the whole casual sex thing. I didn't talk to him for two weeks. The only reason I got back in touch with him was to tell him that I was pregnant, and we started seeing each other again (I still thought his relationship was open).

I understand the whole CSR thing, but I feel like it stopped being a CSR once I got pregnant, because let's face it, all the fun and casualness sort of goes away once someone gets knocked up. I would never have even considered telling his girlfriend if all we'd been through was just a few sexual encounters because THAT is what I signed up for, and I take responsibility for that. No sense getting all butt-hurt if your heart is broken by a dude you knew was in a relationship. That would be stupid. And obviously neither of us planned on me getting pregnant (I was and am on birth control, the same birth control I've been on for two years, WTF went wrong this time? 99.9% accurate, am I in the other .1%?) but the fact is is that I DID get pregnant, and once that happens, he does have a responsibility. When he dropped me off after the procedure, he told me to call him if I needed anything, and then he went to a party and left his phone in the car. I called him for ten hours because I felt really depressed and didn't want to be alone and he never picked up. In the weeks that followed, I asked him to help me get through this because I took it really badly, and he said that he would, and yet I never heard from him.

I really appreciate the advice, and I know from a healthy move-on-and-get-over-it perspective you all are right. But it bothers me so much that he's allowed to be such a douche, to me and to his girlfriend, and because she'll never find out, he continues to make a fool of her and never sees any consequences. Everyone keeps telling me, "well, you signed up for casual sex with a douche who's cheating on his girlfriend, he treated you like crap and now you'd be vindictive to retaliate .. . ."

Why is no one saying to this guy: "well, you cheated on your girlfriend, knocked up the girl that you cheated with, completely abandoned her after her abortion and left her with all the damages, and you're SURPRISED she told your girlfriend?" Would anyone really feel any sympathy for him? Really?

[vashti]

I wouldn't feel sympathy for him if you told, but he isn't the one who posted this thread. YOU did.

I think he behaved exactly as could be expected for someone who engages in casual sex. I don't really understand why you expected more. He had sex with a girl he didn't really care about - why should he START caring after you had an abortion?

[misombra]

if he was in this forum telling us this story, then we would probably tell him what an ass he is.

but you are here and we're telling you that you put yourself right into that situation.

charge it to experience. move on. lest you face a lot (more) of pain and humiliation.

[misombra]

I wouldn't feel sympathy for him if you told, but he isn't the one who posted this thread. YOU did.

you're always beating me with this stuff lol.

[Paro]

So I'm not allowed to hold him accountable? Because he so obviously advertises that he's a douchebag, and since I didn't seem to read his warning label well, I'm not allowed to be angry with him for behaving like a complete douchebag? I already got my karmic retribution for getting involved in this situation. Where is his?

[IndiReloaded]

If it will make you feel better, tell on him.

But, these things have a way of coming back to bite you. Vash & Miso have already said you basically got what you deserved, but if it makes you feel better to lash out at him for your stupidity, go for it.

But, his GF sounds innocent in all this. Tho, I suppose she deserves to know her BF was having unprotected sex with you. She should get tested for any STDs you or he might have. She didn't ask for either of you.

[misombra]

sorry paro. i know you want me to tell you that you should tell her and that she'll be so pissed and disgusted that she will throw his ass on the curb and he will be pathetic and lonely for the rest of his life. but trust me, i speak from experience, this scenario is the least likely of all scenarios.

the BEST scenario for you, is to read the warning signs before getting yourself involved, and having enough respect for yourself to trust your instincts next time a guy like this decides to cause such pain in your life, learn from it, and move on.

[Paro]

It just seems so unfair. I KNOW that I was stupid (although I prefer the terms "naive" and "innocently hopeful") but it just seems like such a severe punishment for stupidity, to have to go through the aftermath of an abortion by myself, to feel so discarded by someone whose child I carried, albeit for a brief period of time.

I just don't understand it. Yes, I was stupid, and naive, and my life has been completely turned upside down because of it. But he made mistakes too, not stupid and naive mistakes, but the actions of a cheater and a liar, who's negligent when he should be responsible. Why does his life get to continue on like nothing ever happened while mine sucks so bad? Aren't stupidity, ignorance, and naivete lesser vices than infidelity, lying, and negligence?

[Gribble]

I don't think he made a mistake at all. He ****ed you and discarded you. I'm sure that was his intention from the first.

[misombra]

Aren't stupidity, ignorance, and naivete lesser vices than infidelity, lying, and negligence?

nope. sorry.

[Mish]

I think his gf should know that he cheated on her so I vote for telling