5 year relationship, can't forgive the past, afraid it will ruin my future.

[alostrenegade]

I have been with the same guy for almost 5 years. The first 2 and a half to three years we broke up with each other a few times and took time apart. However, during that time we would still hang out at times, while he was dating other girls. Obviously this put a lot of strain in the beginning of our relationship. It made me have severe trust issues and I always had the fear he would leave me or break up with me. About two years ago after all the arguments we began to date again with a new understanding. We have not broken up during that time and have worked through a lot of trust issues, he has changed a lot and so have I.

Last summer, I stumbled upon a text message he had sent to a girl who he goes to school with. He asked her to send him naked pictures. I was completely mortified and felt so much hurt. I immediately confronted him about the situation and he apologized and said it was nothing more then texts. And that he was truly sorry. We didn't talk for a few days, but ultimately talked about the situation. Within in the past year there have been arguments that have risen about the situation, but we usually talk about it and have a better understanding.

The past year he has been nothing, but thoughtful and loving. After the incident he deleted her from his phone and face book. He has done nothing to make me think he would ever sway again and just two weeks ago we were looking at apartments so we can move in together.

Well two days ago we went out and the girl he had texted a year ago was at the bar. I didn't say anything and he didn't talk to her, but all these emotions stirred up about the past. Seeing her in person made all those hurtful feelings come back. All I could think was, what was it about her that made him risk our relationship, what was I lacking?

After we left the bar, I asked him why her, and he said perfect timing. I felt hurt by his response since we were together when he did text her that I had to of been lacking something in the relationship. Words were shared and he felt attacked. We talked last night, but the conversation just turned into him attacking me for not trusting him.

It's only now that I realize what hurt he must feel for me constantly bringing up the situation and that I clearly haven't forgiven him. I did a nice gesture for him and although it made him smile, he said he just needs some time away from me. I told him I respected his decision and that I am truly sorry for all that was said and that I don't want to loose him and realize only now that I must forgive him in order to trust him. He is afraid that I will never trust him and will just keep digging up the past and make him feel the regret he had.

Normally when we have a huge fight he takes a few days to think and then comes to me to talk, I'm only afraid that I may have pushed him over the edge this time on the trust issue.

Will he see what we had and all the work we have done? Or will he be fed up and walk away? Right now, I am just trying to be my kindest and most apologetic and sincere and hope that he knows I'm over fighting about this issue and want to move on in our relationship. During our conversation he said that he loves me, he just doesn't know if my insecurities are worth it. I'm giving him his distance and deciding to not bother him until he calls me.

I know whatever will happen, will happen, but I'm afraid that I will have ruined everything we have worked for at this point. Help.

[smackie9]

"Will he see what we had and all the work we have done?" No and he never did.
"Or will he be fed up and walk away?" That would the best thing for the both of you.

Look, he really doesn't respect your relationship and never has....you are dillusional that this will ever be perfect or work out the way you want it. Sure he will be a good boy for a little while, but I'm pretty sure "perfect timimg" will happen once again.

When a guy behaves the way he does, that means you are not "the one" so pushing him along to stay in this relationship isn't going to work for the long haul..... stop forcing something for yourself, and disregarding the red flags.


If he was a kind and caring man, he would have turn around and walked out of that place and taken you somewhere else. And on the car ride there he would be consoling you and ask you if you were alright. But what did you get instead....