Please help me dump my bf

[Swan]

I need words of encouragement.

As many as you can.

I need to end things with my boyfriend. He just can't be there for me the way I need him to, and he refuses to try.

But we both agree we both love eachother, which makes it so much harder on me.
I need the strength to let him go, but there's so much of me that doesn't want to. Every time I step into the same room with him, I just want to hug him, I want to desperately believe that things will change for the better and everything will be as I had imagined it to be.
But he refuses to help our relationship, though he doesn't want to end it. I don't see how I can be of value if he won't put the effort in.
I Love him.
But I need to end this.
I just need help. .. A LOT of help.

I don't want to do this.

[Chazza2k]

Hey Swan,

I'm sorry your going through such a difficult phase, relationships are difficult when one person feels they are being let down in the relationship.

You mention you want to leave this relationship but you also say you love him hugely but he's not really pulling his weight like you want him too. You also say you really do not want to do this?

I think your having hugely conflicting thoughts and emotions right now, have you talked to him about the future? It sounds like you have told him things need to change but it has fallen upon deaf ears time and again? If his ideal future isn't what you want or he refuses to get his act together, then breaking up and giving yourself the space you need is the best option.

Tell him you need sometime to yourself and that you cannot go on with things the way they are. Its obvious you love him but cannot put up with this situation any longer. You then need to stay away from each other at least for a little while to give you both space so you each of you can decide what you want.

Goodluck.

[vashti]

Don't be guilted in to staying with him. You will end up hating him in the long run for not being able to provide what you need.

Wehn you do it, don't maintain contact. It will only make things worse.

[qwertz]

sex once every 2 weeks, i think i'd leave too!!

seriously though, what vashti said, dont stay with him out of guilt. You need to put yourself first and move on and find someone that will make you happy.

[Gigabitch]

Find small ways to get your needs met by others, just for now. I'm not talking about cheating, I'm talking about spending time with friends when you want to feel that someone is listening to you, or getting a hug from your sister when you want to feel loved. Stop looking to him for it.

As soon as you break the habit of hope, it will be easier to break the habit of him.

[Swan]

sex once every 2 weeks, i think i'd leave too!!

seriously though, what vashti said, dont stay with him out of guilt. You need to put yourself first and move on and find someone that will make you happy.

Lmao qwerty123 you remembered!!!
You're my new best friend on here, lol.

Thanks guys,

But yes, we have talked about the future and what we want for eachother and they are somewhat similar... maybe slightly different but managable.
What I find to be much more difficult is his lack of motivation to accomplish his goals for the future. And it kind of scares me sometimes to think of the future if he doesn't grow up and be more responsible. At this point...if he can't be there for me, I truly can't see him being there for future children.
He isn't self-reliant either... he relies on his mom for so many things still, mostly financials, and doesn't seem to plan on making that change. We live together and, at first he was all about us being independent and in our own place, as it should be. Now it feels like he still thinks he's living with his mom, and I'm the physical replacement, you know? The fact that emotionally, he's not there for me makes it so much worse!! I feel like he's completely taking advantage of me... He use to be so amazing... I've probably typed this out in a couple posts on the love forums but I need to, cause everytime I do it I feel a little more confident about how this has all gone wrong in the relationship...
And any support from you guys is HIGHLY cherished!!!

[Swan]

Find small ways to get your needs met by others, just for now. I'm not talking about cheating, I'm talking about spending time with friends when you want to feel that someone is listening to you, or getting a hug from your sister when you want to feel loved. Stop looking to him for it.

As soon as you break the habit of hope, it will be easier to break the habit of him.

There's a good idea!!
That would definately help make the break up much easier.

[qwertz]

Have you told him how you feel?

[Chazza2k]

Have you considered telling him exactly how you feel about everything, you could write him a letter or tell him in person? Then tell him that he needs to think very carefully about it for say a month or so and you think the best way is too be away from each other for say a month or six weeks? You could agree a day on which to meet up again. Its very important to Have NO CONTACT at all with him at all for this length of time then after which meet back up and discuss the future?

It should give you both time to reflect just how important you are to each other? It sounds to me like hes taking you for granted right now, if your not around he will see who he is missing and maybe he can realise what he's doing to you?

This of course is entirely upto you to decide upon, I'm just trying to think of an option other than to End it once and for all? If of course you feel you have tried all other options and they have failed then tell him its over between you and that you need space because its not working anymore. I'm sure you have the courage and strength to do so.

Best of Luck.

[Swan]

Have you told him how you feel?

Yeah, the children thing he said "Oh, well kids are different, I wouldn't do that with kids" .... But apparently he can do it with me?
I talked about our reponsibilities to him, both for help around the house and being in a relationship. He said he has no intention on being a better bf to me, and has decided that he's just.. not good at being a boyfriend. and I pointed out that I let him know all the ways he could improve and he doesn't try! And he agreed and said he knows, but that he's putting other priorities ahead of me that kinda overwhelm his life and he's not going to put the effort in... but then when I point out he just told me I'm not a high priority in his life he got all offended and told me I'm putting words in his mouth.
But the fact is that while we were having that conversation, and I was borderline dumping him, he wouldn't take his eyes off his computer and look at me, even when I TOLD him to actually come and have the conversation, he stood up and said he's going to bed.
I know for a fact that a major reason he wants me around is cause I pay half the rent and he doesn't want to have to find a new roomate or move out.
Then he brought the convo up again and asked me if I'm staying, and I said "can you be the bf I need you to be?" and then goes: "can you be the gf I need you to be?"
Apparently, I haven't been doing enough chores around the house, and he says if I fix that, it will cure all.
So I was like okay, so what was all that crap about me not being a high priority? That suddenly has nothing to do with it?
So I've started doing some of the chores, it's difficult for me cause I hurt my wrist last weekend and only have one healthy hand to do anything. And he seemed to talk a little more with me, but that's about the only major change I've seen. I asked him to help me pick something up cause I can't with my wrist like this.... took him 3 days to do it!!!
And now he's making it sound like I have to do Every damn chore in the house while he sits on the computer and I don't see how that works.
So I told him I'm not his little house maiden and he responded with "Well I'm not your sex slave." ....
????
Yeah buddy, I know, you're about as far away from that as peanut butter is to a Rock.

Have you considered telling him exactly how you feel about everything, you could write him a letter or tell him in person? Then tell him that he needs to think very carefully about it for say a month or so and you think the best way is too be away from each other for say a month or six weeks? You could agree a day on which to meet up again. Its very important to Have NO CONTACT at all with him at all for this length of time then after which meet back up and discuss the future?

Well if we somehow don't break up, then I certainly need space. As he seems to need as well.
When I first told him I wanted to move out he wanted us to stay together, but he agreed he wanted some space, then he switched around and said he wanted me to stay (that was when he realized he needs my financial support) and everything else started happening.
Space is good... Whether it's FOR GOOD, or for Now, It is All Good.


Wow this reply became rather large.

[qwertz]

it does sound to me that your better off out. If hes not willing to put the effort in then hes not worth your energy.

lol at sex slave with that often!!!

[Chazza2k]

Wow good reply

Seems to me your not really in a relationship right now, if your not a high priority to him and your his girlfriend then what is? As for getting you to do more Chores I think hes just trying to make you feel guilty for something as you were getting a bit too close to hitting a nerve. Excuses such as i'm just a bad boyfriend really don't cut it. He seems really good at manipulating you out of guilt. Dont play his games anymore.

From what you have said it really doesnt sound like he is trying anything at all to save what you have and I must ask is this love you have for him returned from him in anyway? You barely have sex, he guilts you into chores and refuses to talk or communicate with you in any meaningful way...

End it with him and Move out I think, sounds like you have done your best but its not worked to save it, it takes two people to want to save a relationship one cannot do it on their own. Expect though all the guilt thrown at you for him not being able to pay the rent, don't fall for it your response should be "I don't live there anymore" or "find a new roomy"