Im lost

[lostlars]

Hi everyone,

I am new here, and new to any forum really. I just find that I really need to talk to SOMEONE about my last relationship because I feel like I have had plenty of time to cope and I still have not. I just want advice..I will try and make my story quick and to the point. (but its gonna be hard)

So I met my ex at my old job. I was 25 at the time and he was 26. We instantly became BEST friends. We did everything together. I was not sexual attracted to him at this time, and I really don't know if he was because he didn't make any moves or anything. This went on for 3 or four months. Our friendship was so great I was even trying to hook him up with my roommate! We would spend the night at eachothers house but not do anything. We were inseperable, plus we worked together. Well as alot of stories go one drunken night we ended up hooking up, not sex, but hooked up. I remember it not even being weird at all in the morning. After that we continued to hook up after nights of drinking and eventually months down the line were having sex. My feelings for him completely changed. I became attracted to everything about him. We were so close and I realized how much I had always liked him we clicked so well and always had fun he was the most comfortable I have ever been around anyone, yet still trying to portray friends because of work and mutual friends. I was living with another girl at the time and when my ex needed a place to move he moved into our extra room. I don't know if that was the best thing that ever happened to me or the worst. Our relationship got very intense and we were more or less together for the next whole year. He was admitting his feelings to me, and I was to him and we spent all our time together yet never said the L word. Such a strange situation, we were best friends, living in rooms next to eachother and working together everyday. I maybe slept in my bed 1 week of that entire year. Ok this is getting long..Ill try and sum it up faster. We fought ALOT due to seeing eachother all the time. He was also very jealous and would always flip out on me if he had been drinking. He did alot of emotional and verbal damage during that year and my best friend turned into a monster. We were fighting so much towards the end of the year that we decided things went to fast and it would be better if he moved out and we took it back a notch and dated.

So thats what happened, he moved out. That lasted MAYBE 3 months. He was so happy of his freedom being a 27 yr old dude that he was constantly going out and not inviting me. Also I always went to his place because he and my other roommate had become enimies.His newbound freedom and verbal abuse quickly led to a breakup. It was one of the hardest things ive had to do in my life.After we broke up he just cut me out of his life...I tried to call a few times or text because I missed my best friend and he wouldnt even respond. For the next 4 months we saw eachother at work and didnt speak a word, didnt call , didnt text. He had another gf I had a guy I was dating.Until finally 4 months later he apoligized to me and wanted to meet me. I agreed, I missed him SO much he had broken my heart by not responding to me for so long. He apoligzed over and over how sorry he was and how he would do anything to earn my trust and forgiveness. He realized it would take time because I was so hurt and he was willing to wait and prove to me how much he cared. I gave him a chance and for 6 more months we were going back to our old ways. I would flip out alot because I was so hurt. I brought up alot of past bs and caused alot of fights. Yet he kept to his word and stuck by me and was never verbally abusive. It was like he was really going to wait for me to get over our issues and start a great relationship. Well this past Jan after a particulary bad argument I started he gave up. He said I would never get over the things he had done to me, and that he couldn't be my boyfriend or my friend because things always get to complicated. I was and am devastated. I havent heard from him now in 3 months and I miss him everyday. Did I ruin it? Did he play me? Did he ever really care for me? so many questions..why did he say hed wait as long as it took and I was making huge improvements but at the 6 month mark he says **** it and throws it all away again. He wont even respond if I text him. I talked to a mutual friend that said my ex told him I would never forgive him for the things he did to me while we lived together and that I hate him. Which is true, but I love him also. I have never even told him that. He broke my heart and left me twice and Id die if he did it a 3rd time. I dont know what to say or do...Ive never felt this way about anyone before..advice please?

[Doc Durian]

Sounds like he got over what happened, but you never did and kept beating him up with it.

The shoe is on the other foot now.

Clean your thoughts and emotions up, forgive him, forgive yourself... and apologize to him this time.

If he doesn't want to hear it...move on.

[Teddy057]

It sounds like you let your bitterness get the best of you. Being in love means you can look past all the negatives and just be happy with him. I would say, tell him how you really feel, if he wants to give it another go, DON'T EVER BRING UP THE PAST AGAIN. If not, oh well, it's too bad. Life's just not fair, and before you know it, it's over. So enjoy every day.

[lostlars]

Thanks for the input guys. The thing is I was making huge steps to forgive him but it wasn't an over night process to forgive what he did to me. We had absolutely no trust left. He had cheated on me, and was so horrible to me when we lived together. The worst part is I bagan to believe it. Everytime he told me hoe dumb I was for example I started to believe I deserved it. I lost myself. Yet the first whole year of pur friendship I never saw that side of him! I have no idea what triggered that guy to come out. That guy was not who I had fallen for and I have a hard time accepting the guy that he was in the beginning is gone. In those 6 months that we got back together I made huge improvements. By the 6th month I had come along way as far as trusted him and not bringing up the past. That one fight though he was done. I couldnt help but be so hurt because he said he knew it would take time for me to get over and he would wait. Yet he didn't. That is what hurts the worst. Why didn't he wait when he said he would. It was not an overnight fix the damage he had caused I felt like him sticking by me for 6 months was not long enough. I dont know what made him make that abrupt decision if there was another girl or something..because all the other fights he had stayed true to his word. We werent exclusive those six months we were just trying to earn trust and put good memories back into him and I. Anyhow..Im just so confused. I probably should apoligize for being so bitter but I cant help it! Nobody has EVER hurt me the way he did. So fast foward until now.. he ended it mid january. he called me once february..I did not answer and he left no message. End of feb I was in an accident and broke my knee and had to have surgery. He found out through coworkers and texted me the day of. His text simply said. "I heard about your accident and I hope your doing okay...." I never responded. I wanted to! But I stuck to my no contact rule completely this time to help myself heal. Its now april and I haven't heard a word from him..From his facebook pics I know he is back with his ex before me. I dont really view her as a threat because for years thats the girl he goes back to inbetween girlfriends and I know he is really not into her because that has been happening for years..my guess is she is the girl in the picture to make him not think and miss me...and thats where we are at.

[lostlars]

oh I also wanted to say that the second descision to end things was in jan 2010..but we originally broke up in december of 2008! I still think of him everyday! whats wrong with me its been so long since we were in a real relationship. I have gone through bad breakups before but it has never taken me this long. I feel lost..like I never will have a day where he isn't the first thing on my mind. If we cant be together than thats what I want more than anything is to forget him....ive tried so hard. It seems impossible.

[Teddy057]

If you really want to forget him, try and replace all those happy thoughts with the negative ones, the ones that really disgust you.

[cmacattack1]

I don't think the four months apart was long enough, especially when you see him everyday at work and you both purposely ignore each other. That resentment and hurt doesn't just go away and that's why it carried over into your second effort. And you even admitted yourself that you proceded to just rant and vent and rage on him and he just took it. What was that accomplishing and did it make you feel better? I'm not saying what he did was right but when you choose to try something again, it has to be done with a fresh look and a rediscovery of what you guys fell in love with in the first place. You guys never got that. You guys didn't have the fun, taking it slow, rediscovery that you guys had the first time and when all the hurt feelings there still it was doomed from the start.

It's another case that when things go bad, it will never be the same again. When you are apart you really need to be apart so that all that residual hurt can fade away and you can be on your own and find that happy person you were before the relationship drained you.And it takes time. Only then can you possibly make something work with him again. Most of the time, it's much easier to find somebody else that you don't have the history with because then it will truly be a fresh start. I don't know what to tell you but as of now, there is no future with you guys. You are going to have to accept it and take it as a lesson about relationships and how rushing back into something when it's this fragile is never a good thing.

The first thing you can do is to forgive yourself for what you have done. I know you are beating yourself up constantly for the emotional abuse you have bestowed upon him for these last few months while he took it. You were hurt, you were emotional, and what he did has left a mark on you and your relationship. You weren't okay, you didn't know better. I know it might not seem possible right now but you can also try to forgive him for what he did too. He got very comfortable with the intensity and the arrangement you guys had and didn't think anything would shake your relationship, but it was wrong. He seemed sincere at first when he said he was willing to do whatever to make it up to you, but I'm sure by the third or fourth time you let him have it, he began tuning it out. Not to mention having you after everything he did was not exactly a consequence, although the beatdown you put on him was pretty bad. Forgiving him doesn't mean you have to get back together, but it will help you let out some of that anger and frustration and make you a better person for it. Those kind of feelings will just weigh you down and keep you drained for alot longer than you need to.

[lostlars]

cmacattack...thank you. Your post really made me think and I think you were right in so many ways. He would always say we our "replanting the soil" meaning starting from absolute square one. I couldn't do it though. He hurt me to bad. I couldnt stop throwing things in his face and make him feel guilty and awful about himself. Who would want to be with a girl like that? I became "crazy" or " psycho" as guys like to say, and only girls with their hearts broken know what it means to act like that. Its like I was challenging him..pushing him to a point of no return when infact I wanted to see that he really was sorry. By not passing my test in waiting for me to fully heal he let me down again. I now see that I had fault in this. It just sucks that he remembers that, and not who we once were. I will never forget the connection we had in the beginning because I have never felt anything like it in my life. Our relationship was forced too serious too fast and we lost ourselves and began to resent eachother. The problem is what now? I can't imagine my life without him. I actually forget about how I was before he entered my life years ago...do we have any chance? Is there anything I can do? Also I feel horrible about my self for loving someone who treated me so badly at times...but I can't stop. It's been 15 months since the original breakup and not a day has gone by that I havent thought about him. Any advice for me on that? or what to do now!?

[Jas_mine]

If your self-esteem is damaged due to verbal and emotional abuse he inflicted on you then that is what you primarily need to work on. You cannot refresh your relationship if you are still broken and unhappy, until you 'fix' yourself, well, reconciliation attempts will fail because you need to be content with yourself first and only then can you begin to let go of the resentments and bitterness you harbour about his ill treatment towards you. You should have addressed all issues before you decided to get back together so that they weren't flung at him each time you had a disagreement. I understand to forgive and forget is a rather difficult task but if you are ready to embark upon the relationship again then you should also be ready to embrace forgiveness - not keep the resentments boxed up to be released to your advantage for every argument. It is not fair on him, and whereas I don't condone his previous behaviour, if he had apologised and had made the effort to rebuild trust and such, you too should have contributed in some shape or form, and not continuously tested him for everybody has a limit and you clearly pushed him to his.

It seems that not all hope is lost in your situation, just because he ignores you does not necessarily mean he doesn't care or that he doesn't miss you, could well be that it just hurts so much to have you around and is far easier to cut you off completely. At the moment all you can do is focus on yourself, concentrate on making yourself a happier person, a better version of yourself - when you are confidant and happy others take notice, you just radiate and people want to be around you, they sit up and take notice - be independant and more sure and certain of yourself, he will definitely notice and realise that you have now fully let go of all the issues that you were once obsessed with, and who knows where that may lead eh.

[cmacattack1]

cmacattack...thank you. Your post really made me think and I think you were right in so many ways. He would always say we our "replanting the soil" meaning starting from absolute square one. I couldn't do it though. He hurt me to bad. I couldnt stop throwing things in his face and make him feel guilty and awful about himself. Who would want to be with a girl like that? I became "crazy" or " psycho" as guys like to say, and only girls with their hearts broken know what it means to act like that. Its like I was challenging him..pushing him to a point of no return when infact I wanted to see that he really was sorry. By not passing my test in waiting for me to fully heal he let me down again. I now see that I had fault in this. It just sucks that he remembers that, and not who we once were. I will never forget the connection we had in the beginning because I have never felt anything like it in my life. Our relationship was forced too serious too fast and we lost ourselves and began to resent eachother. The problem is what now? I can't imagine my life without him. I actually forget about how I was before he entered my life years ago...do we have any chance? Is there anything I can do? Also I feel horrible about my self for loving someone who treated me so badly at times...but I can't stop. It's been 15 months since the original breakup and not a day has gone by that I havent thought about him. Any advice for me on that? or what to do now!?

I wouldn't say only girls that got their hearts broken would know what psycho and crazy is like. I was a shitty boyfriend and got dumped for it, and made absolutely every panic mistake possible: begging, crying, writing letters, getting angry and overapologizing, the works. I certainly know that crushing lonliness and what's it like to have emotion completely running your thoughts and actions. It's not a good feeling and not pulling myself out of that emotional black hole made things even worse and ultimately doomed me. I don't want the same to happen to you and as Jasmine said, all hope is not lost. The more times you do break up however, the more times you do feel detached and deeper hurt and it gets engrained in your head that maybe you guys won't work out.

We aren't always the best people when we first begin dating and a breakup very likely happens in many relationships. However when it gets into that cycle of breaking up/getting back together, it's not a good thing. I don't want to see that happen to you and I think you are in a pretty good position right now even if you don't feel like it. This is an opportunity for you to become a better person and take what you learned from your most recent and most important relationship to date and practice it in your everyday life. The no contact right now is definitely a good thing and the longer the time goes by, the more stark the contrast will be between the old you that was lashing out at him and the new you that was the fun happy girl that he fell in love with in the first place. That's if you can really make the effort to go out, have fun, do things that make you happy, keep yourself busy, improving yourself physically and job/schoolwise and so on. And this is an every day battle and it takes a very long time. But as I said before, you have to view this as an opportunity to only grow, improve yourself and be a stronger, more independent person and it will show (radiate as Jasmine said). I promise you. Whether it's with him or somebody else, your next relationship will be more mature and more advanced. I say next relationship because even if it is with him, you are going to want to build a NEW relationship, not "get back together" into the old one.

You don't still see him at work still, do you?

[lostlars]

Well cmacattack..how pathetic is this? I actually transferred to another city and moved. This happened right when he was trying to get back with me the first time. Seeing him everyday was too much and I felt being a recent graduate I had more job opportunities in the bigger city. This was after the first 4 months when I didn't know we would have a second shot. So once he apoligized I still followed through with my move and we did the weekend thing with the hour commute. Hed come to me or I would go to him. I wanted to start a new life and instead I was coming back all the time and regretting my move. I signed a year lease though and wanted to give it at least a year. So now since the no contact, we actually have not even seen eachother since Christmas Eve. The longest since we have known eachothe.

I thought moving away was the answer but so far it hasnt been. I miss him,my family, I miss my old job, my old friends, my whole life. I was starting to get settled a little in the new place and then in February I was in an accident. I was hit by a car while riding my bike and had to have knee surgery. I am out of work and walk or do anything. I decided to go back home to recover so for the last 6 weeks I have been at my parents. This probably has been the most horrible weeks I can remember. Everything about this city reminds me of him. I wont leave the house because I dont want to run into him (and I am on a walker.) This all has been SO difficult and such horrible timing right when I thought I was ok. I am such an active person being bedridden is driving me insane and making me think ALOT. The other thing is he heard about my accident. He texted me the day of. He knows I am here and have been for 6 weeks and he has not attempted a visit. I know he has to know how miserable I am. I am not one to sit still ever. I cant help but be mad at him again because this is a huge disaster in my life and hes not there for me. He never is. He is never there when I need somebody and I always was...so there I go bringing up old shit again. I cant stop. I am so confused. I feel like my whole life is a mess right now. I transferred a 5 year job, to a new city where I know no body, only to break my leg and be stuck at my parents in the same city as the guy that broke my heart. Im 27 and I am in that 20 something stage of life where everything is tough. I graduated college and I am still bartending..despite moving I have not landed a job. Next my relationship failed. Maybe I never should have left but at the time of the decision it was my gut decsion of what I needed to do. So I went with it...and look where I am now, broken-hearted, bed-ridden, unable to work, too much time on my hands, and no direction. I felt like I had direction before our relationship...What the hell haoppened to me? Where did I go? How do I get back to living life instead of just exsiting.

[cmacattack1]

I can certainly understand why you thought that moving to another city and getting a fresh start might be the fix to your current situation. This guy gave made you feel like you have never felt before for someone, which is what love really is, isn't it? An emotion that you can't really put into words, so you just call it love. There have been certain degrees of love but this guy really takes the cake. When you lost him, it feels like you lost a limb: something you depended on even on a daily basis and when it's not there, it's a crippling feeling. What everybody needs after a serious breakup is some time apart from that person. To let that bond slowly break away, to rediscover who you are as a single individual and that happiness by yourself. Easier said than done. Which you didn't get when you had to work with him everyday and experience that strange feeling of confusion and hurt everytime he walked by you, talked to you, even came in the room I imagine. The lack of time apart is what set you up to the reconciliation and the second failure.

That's one of the pitfalls of dating somebody in your professional work setting. If it works out great, but if it doesn't, it could really mess up the one thing you have control over: where you are going and what you are achieving in a career. I guess you know this now but it's something to really keep in mind for the future when you are faced with this decision with somebody else. Yes, I do say somebody else because I think it might be necessary to date somebody else to remind you that while you want this guy to be your "one" right now, he is not the only "one" for you out there in a world of billions of people. I'm not saying you guys won't end up together or it's not possible to spend the rest of your lives together at some point down the line, but he is only one person of the many possible choices you come across. He is unique and he will be better at some things than any other guy you will meet. But he isn't your only choice. You do not need him to be happy, as impossible a concept to grasp right now.

I think that maybe your inability to deal with this situation has led you down this path of moving to a new city, trying something new, and giving you a fresh start. Your motives for doing this make all the difference in the world for how successful you will be in the new city. Were you doing it because you have always had a passion to live there and was reasonable to do so? Or was it more of an impulse and trying to run from the situation you found yourself in at your old job, old city, and with your old boyfriend? It's probably safe to say the latter because of how cold, miserable and alone you feel right now. Hence the hopelessness and the lack of motivation you feel right now. I feel terrible that you find yourself in your darkest days when it should be a time of enjoying everything you can experience as a mature adult. Not to mention the bike injury just plain sucks. When it rains it pours, eh?

But what has happened has happened, and there isn't anything that you can really do about it. You dated this guy, things went ugly. you tried to run from it and it was a rough transition, you are now injured and living at home. The situation is bad, yes, but it isn't the end of the world. You are still young, you have alot going for you and unless you aren't able to walk again or disabled for life, everything is going to be alright in the end. You wish he was going to be there for you, "to come in and swoop you off your feet and tell you 'I'm sorry, I love you, I will make everything okay.' " I put that in quotations because this is exactly word for word what my ex girlfriend was telling me when she was dumping me. The fact of the matter is that it's not realistic, it's not going to happen, and you have to remind yourself that while he is the only one that can truly make you feel better about this, he isn't going to. It's up to you to pull yourself out of this. Your friends and family are there to support you, but they can only do so much. It's going to be ultimately you and what you are made of, your character as a person, and the guts you have to pull you out of this.

Anybody will tell you that the best way to get over a break up is to forget about him and go out, have fun, meet new people, go to the gym, work out, go back to school, find a new job, date other people, etc. etc. They are all very good ideas and good ways to help you through this. I don't know how many are possible right now in your situation though. Do you have a timetable for recovery? It could help you form a plan and strategy for what to do in the future months ahead. I think it's extremely important to form a plan and a strategy because lets face it, you are more than likely feeling like your life is spiraling out of control and with that comes that crushing sense of hopelessness. Grabbing that control again will put you on the road to recovery and you will be building towards something. I know I say that you are young and you have lots of time but at the same time, life is too short to waste.

Are you able to go out and do things? Go places, see movies, hang out with friends, etc.? Do not go into hiding for fear of running into him. If it happens, it happens, and if you aren't ready to talk to him, you aren't ready. You can't help how you feel but revolving your life around somebody that isn't a part of your life at this point in time is pointless. Doing things will make you feel better, will help you take your mind of things, to help pull you away from the never ending analysis of your relationship. Because sooner or later you will have to give the analysis a rest, because your mind will always be trying to dig at something because you don't know the answer and he does. You can guess all you want to but it will never be 100 percent certain without the answer from him. And that's if he wanted to tell you and give you the full honest truth. Which you can't make him do. The possibilities are endless so why continue to ponder?

Finding a job that you can do is important as well. You are going to have very little self worth and feel like you have no purpose if you aren't contributing something. It might be difficult to find many jobs you can perform with your current disability but they are out there. Your disability might even give you a leg up. But you need money to do things and you need to establish a little self worth there. If not, maybe you might want to try volunteering. There is always a need for volunteers and yeah it sucks to not get paid for your time, but it's a great way to meet new people and will make you feel better. Between going out and doing things, trying new stuff and working new jobs, you will put yourself in the position to meet new people, make new friends, and possibly find somebody else. It is the best way to enrich your life: forming new relationships with other people. You can't lose.

If you want to continue to analyze your relationship, that's your perogative. If you are looking for a "fresh look" or some new insight, keep pouring your heart out and going through all the gut wrenching details again and again. If you want somebody to give you a percentage of how you will get back together, do that. Sooner or later, you have to realize that it's just a way to continue to cling onto a relationship that is broken and in pieces. I believe it's very important to analyze it, and it's not always easy to get everything out of it unless you have a neutral party. Which you have at your disposal here on this website. It's important to have somebody point out where you were wrong as well as where he was wrong because you don't want to make the same mistakes again and you want to be more aware of what kind of behavior shouldn't be tolerated. You want to become a stronger, wiser, more experienced person from this and I believe you have. Once you have that though, why continue to dig? You are going to have to give it a rest sooner or later because it will be hard to fully move on from this incident if you don't come to peace with yourself and this. And you want to move on because the relationship you had before was broken. You should want to start a new one, not get back together. Which you know already.

[lostlars]

revolving your life around somebody that isn't a part of your life at this point in time is pointless"" That quote really hits me hard. Thanks so much for your thought out advice. This forum has helped me alot, but I am still not ok. I moved because of the second reason. I had to get away, I thought I knew where my life was going and no I am more lost then ever. I am back home (so in the new city) still unable to work but I have been keeping more busy now that I am getting better. I can go to movies etc. I went and saw a concert last night and to happy hour a couple of evening ago. This is fun in the moment, and keeps my mind off things, but as soon as I am home I am miserable again. I have dated some pretty awesome guys on and off in between when me and the ex were not together. I can't fall for any of therm. They are nice guys but they are disposable to me. When they do something I drift off thinking about what my ex would have done. I think about him every night. I feel like he played mind games with me for so long that I have officially became insane about this...obsessed.

I am doing the things I think I need to do to recovery from this. I am going to physical therapy to rehab from the accident. I have been checking out schools and applying and interviewing for jobs, and trying to meet new people. I have come a long way from the extreme of my depression but I am still so depressed. I am so lost in life. I don't know what I want to do. I have no idea. My life revolves around trying to get over my ex, or thinking about me ex, or plotting the sweet revenge when the day comes that I am looking all hot and successful and run into him and don't want him anymore. This consumes so much of my time its so unhealthy. I really love your thought out responses. This has helped but I am still so far. When I first met my ex he was with another girl that he never really liked. He broke up with her to be with me. He always would tell me how he could never see himself with her and he doesnt know why its just not there. I bring her up because in the process of our break up get together history, whenever we are apart he goes back to her. I never viewed her as a threat but this has been happening for 4 years. She was always there..yet I guess I became like that to. Since our last split in January we havent spoken since and hes back with her again. I have become obsessed with looking at her facebook. She is always posting pictures of them looking like a happy couple. I put myself through this and see that and then cry. I put myself through self misery and I cant stop its a drug. Did he love her the whole time? Why could he never completely end it with her? I now see her as such a threat but he never expressed feelings for her. He said she was annoying and hot. The physical attraction was it with that girl. So why are thery together now? Do guys changed their feelings about girls like that? I just don't understand..and while he is all in love going out posting pictures and being all happy I am more miserable than I have ever been in my life

[lostlars]

also any time I go out to do something to get my mind off him, I think about how much more fun itd be if he was there doing whatever it is with me. God I am such a freak..I never thought I would be like this...I always thought I was a strong woman.

[lahnnabell]

In those dark moments, try to remember one thing, it will pass. My mother always tells me this if I call her crying. We all go through moments of confusion and anxiety. Some cry, some hibernate; we all have different ways of dealing. I call my mother because she's always been there to talk me through the worst times. I love my boyfriend, but he doesn't always handle my anxiety in the way I need him to. He's never quite sure what to say, or do.

Take each day as its own entity. Try not to look too far down the road because that will add to your frustration at this point. Focus on what's in front of you. Give your full attention to each immediate task. And breathe. If you feel the tension welling up inside, take a moment to breathe. I like to make music mixes that ease my occasional emotional discomfort. I'm addicted to The Temper Trap right now.