I Love my Best Friend, it Hurts. (Long Story)

[sinequanon]

I met her, when I was 19. I always had an eye for her, but she had a boyfriend. She was the girl, who was always in a relationship. In her defense, she wasn't boy crazy. She was a fighter, and she's had 4 boyfriends in the past 10 years. She was dating her current boyfriend for 4 years when I met her. As I had become accustomed to, I was open to her friendship, enamored by her beauty, but ultimately filed her under Forbidden.

Now I, at the time, was going through a difficult and dark bout with depression that started in my mid teens. I'm fighting off the remnants of it 'til this day... During these dark and lonely times, I found support in her. Always a canvas I could spill all my woes onto. She emotionally, and mentally took care of me in that way. Subconsciously, I entertained the thought of her and I.

Fastforward to 2008. I am not the devestated and ever manic young man I had been 6 years prior. I had a relationship, so did she. I continued to confide in her, seek out her advice and just vent to her about the ups and downs of my current relationship. She, likewise, would do the same. We were, and I still believe are, kindred spirits. I think of her as my SO.

Her BF was young, 20, while she and I were 26. I found him to be immature, crude. I imagined him as a giant toddler. Lots of what he did, and the way he treated her got on my nerves. She, afterall, is my friend. Yet, I'd rather not stir the pot, and I'd rather not lose my friend over her BF.

I grew accustomed to him, eventually, even found qualities and traits I found amiable. She was the bridge, the only real connection I had to him. Their last two months together, they went on an arguing spree, and broke up more than they were together. It was sickening, and I was tired of seeing her pain, and being able to do so little for her. During this time, I did something that I've never done in my life, I stirred the pot.

During this time, I realized how much I did care for her. I knew I loved her. Perhaps it wasn't a full on love, not yet anyway, but it was love none the less. With every argument, everytime she cried, I knew I could do so much better, I felt it. I told her how I felt, and we entertained the thought of being together.

After a blow-out of an argument, they broke up. This wasn't the time, but I'm impulsive and foolish. That weekend, her and I ended up sleeping together. Too much, too soon. She told her ex out of guilt the next day. A week later, her and I got into an argument, she was protecting him. She was truly in Love with him. They never got back together afterwards, but they stayed close friends for another month or so. After the argument between her and I, she told me these exact words, "Exit my Life." So I did.

For two months, we did not talk, until by chance we ran into eachother. It was quaint, and I was happy to see her. So happy. We began talking again, we rebuilt our friendship. Though we weren't talking like we had in years past, it was better than nothing. The last two weeks of December, despite my misery, I slept so peacefully at night. I dreamt of her every night, and I knew Love.

Late Decemember, she got into another large argument with her ex. I was going to visit her that weekend(She lives an hour away from me), but she crypticly sent me a message saying, "Ant, this weekend's no good". Nothing followed that, and I never received a reply to my inquiries. After some detective work, I read up on her blogs, she posted frequently and it was a true reflection of where she was at emotionally and mentally. I read 3 posts, all of which hinted to not caring anymore, not having the desire to live. Suicide.

I went insane. My car wouldn't make the trip, it was scheduled for servicing that weekend. I called so many friends, trying to get a car to borrow, and I was just a nervous wreck. No one, not a soul could help passed midnight. Save for my best friend's girlfriend, who took the ride with me, without even asking a question as to why. I'm so thankful for what she did that night.

I raced down to her house, speeding down the highway in my friend's SUV. I know this sounds made up, but aside from the train I've taken to her area a few times, I had absolutely no knowledge of where I was headed. In all honesty, I wasn't even sure what town she lived in, but I had it narrowed down to two. I made it down to her more rural, than suburban suburb and spent nearly 3 hours trying to find her. I knew once I got near the area, I'd visually recognize it. I was so close to going home a wreck.

I found her apartment complex at last. By process of elimination, rang the doorbell I assumed was hers at 5:30 in the morning. The door buzzed, and I swung it open and ran to her third floor apartment. She was there, alive. I was so sick with emotions. She looked at me like I was crazy... But I asked her first, "Are you Crazy?!" She hadn't done anything, and she was really depressed. I talked to her for 20 minutes, and left with the knowledge that she'd be okay. I was relieved.

From that point on, her and I have grown closer. We eventually started dating. It lasted the entirety of 2 months. It's evident, in my hindsight, I didn't give her a fraction of the time she needed to get over her ex. Foolishly, I really thought that if I Loved her enough, she'd get over it. Naive.

The part that hurts to admit is, she left me to either be alone or go back to him. She used to ask me, "Do you think it's possible to Love two people at the same time?" I believe it is. I felt betrayed, I was angry, this really hurt, and I think I still resent her a bit knowing that she left me, to go back to someone who was so bad for her. I know my opinion in the matter is sullied and bias, but I'm not the only one of our friends who feels this way.

Regardless of my opinion, or anyone else's opinion of him. She Loved(Loves) him. There's not much that can be helped about it, is there? There's certainly no push I can give, there is no sway, this is something that must run its course. I curse myself for being so impulsive. Yet here I am, writing of her, she's on my mind all the time. I hope that when she's ready, she'll come back to me. There are so many complications. In my mind, in the 7 years I've known her, and the 8 years I've been dating, I have never known anyone like her, and I presume I never will. It's not so much that I have her on a pedestal, though I do. But she's earned her place there. Is there a second chance for her and I?

We. are still close friends, it's been exactly 6 weeks and 4 days since we've stopped dating. I didn't know exactly how long it was until yesterday. I know the exact day because... she's 7 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my child. For reasons of our own, she can not keep the child. She will be having an abortion.

I Love my Best friend, it Hurts.

[Lineofsight]

This story makes me sad

How could you put up with her having all those boyfriends while she was your friend? Hear all that shit from her mouth about her loving another? It sounds like this friendship was based on your will to eventually become her boyfriend. How could you give her so much when she clearly wants to give her love to a toddler?

[sinequanon]

He's out of the picture. She only had 3 boyfriends before me
She was my friend first, that's how I put up with it. But I think of it now, and I don't think I could ever handle her having a BF and me being her friend. I don't think I could ever go back to that. Our friendship was never based on me wanting to be her boyfriend. It was never really something I strived or tried for until last year.

[Lineofsight]

He's out of the picture. She only had 3 boyfriends before me
She was my friend first, that's how I put up with it. But I think of it now, and I don't think I could ever handle her having a BF and me being her friend. I don't think I could ever go back to that. Our friendship was never based on me wanting to be her boyfriend. It was never really something I strived or tried for until last year.

Because until last year you started feeling more for her or did she slide from the forbidden list? He's out of the picture but you said she still loves him?

I think this relationship could really work but she will have to be the one to come to you. If she doesn't come to that conclusion then you may even have to stop being her friend after all...

[IndiReloaded]

Dude, I think you probably do love each other. But yikes, this is Codependent with the capital "C". Bad, bad news for longterm relationship health.

You've got White Knight-itis really bad. This is not a good thing. She needs to be able to sort out her own issues, from her own strength. Not yours. Try to find the boundary b/t encouragement and becoming her crutch.

Good luck.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/26633-description-shining-knight-syndrome.html[/url]

[sinequanon]

I realized that as much as I'm trying to be her crutch, I made her into my own crutch too.

[IndiReloaded]

I realized that as much as I'm trying to be her crutch, I made her into my own crutch too.

This is what codependent means. One of you has to be strong enough to break the cycle or you won't make it. As soon as she grows up enough she will despise you for tolerating her crap if you don't set boundaries now.

Its a delicate dance. Grow together if you can but not in each other's shade. Like that Kahlil Gibran quote. Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

I know the exact day because... she's 7 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my child. For reasons of our own, she can not keep the child. She will be having an abortion.

You are a troll, aren't you?

[sinequanon]

You are a troll, aren't you?

Not sure there's a positive way to take that.

[IndiReloaded]

Its a term that asks whether your post is for real. I'm referring to the pregnancy part. Seems far fetched?

How old are you & she?

[sinequanon]

I don't see how that line turned me into a troll...
Regardless, I'm 26, she's 25. Not sure how this is going to be relevant.

[IndiReloaded]

I don't see how that line turned me into a troll...
Regardless, I'm 26, she's 25. Not sure how this is going to be relevant.

It didn't I was simply asking to rule it out. Anyway the fact you are still hanging in there suggest you're for real.

Anyway, you love her. You're both old enough for a family. If she loves you & all else is stable (job, etc), you might want to consider getting married. I know that isn't the typical solution offered, but I think if you go through with the abortion that will pretty much destroy any chance you'll ever have a relationship with each other in future.

Do you think popping the question would totally make her freak?

[sinequanon]

I haven't considered it. It just doesn't seem like it'd be right, considering that we broke up nearly two months ago and it was because she wasn't over her ex.

ANd I too think that the abortion would completely obliterate a future for us.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, it was a desperate idea. Still desperate times, desperate measures... she might say yes. Are you up for that?

So, are you in the mourning phase, or looking for a possible solution at this stage?

Anyway, I feel for you. It must be killing you to know a child of the woman you love won't be born. Stay & post/vent if it helps.

Best wishes.