The Ex-Boyfriend Problem

[everton11]

Well, I have been seeing this girl and she is just the sweetest thing to me. We know each other for about 8 months now and I asked her out on a date about 2 months ago. I asked if she wants to be in a relationship with me but she said she needs time to think. Nevertheless, we continue to hang out, as friends, but we often talk about dating and relationship. In any case, she mentioned to me she will give more time to think about it during her trip and that I expect a definite answer by then. (if she doesn't I will take it as a no...)

Now, being in a bad relationship before; I was a pushover, typical nice guy who did not display enough self-confidence and self-respect, even thou I possess a great number of qualities: physical fitness, intelligence, success in career... So needlessly to say that last girl took full advantage of that. I vow not to do the same again.

I do trust this girl, and that I know I won't make the mistake again. And also, she has had a good number of bad boyfriends, men who ended up hurting her: abusive, drugs... But something that she told me recently really bothers me.

During dinner, she mentioned that her ex-boyfriend, this one a nicer boyfriend, who broke up with her a year ago due to family pressure but continue to be friend to her, was hanging out with her not long ago (definitely after our first date), and that amidst the hanging out, her ex wanted to sleep with her. She told me that she firmly rejected him and was angry at him for wanting her for sex in this manner. They hung out together one more time afterward (watching a movie with his brother), but after that he stopped contacting her.

In another conversation, she mentioned that he is actually overweight and that she was attracted to him because he is nice and smart. And how I wish she never had told me.

Okay, here is my problem. I'm a physical fitness freak, I work out daily, and being overweight when I was a kid, I absolutely cannot stand fat people. In truth, I'm a bit disgust by the fact that she had slept with a fat guy. Not to mention that she allowed him to hang out with her after we started talking, and giving him the chance to ask for sexual favor, hinting that she did not tell him about me.

Again, I care about her and I am willing to overlook that. But emotionally, I just found myself trap in this setting, I often think about this problem and I'm afraid it will influence the way I see her. What should I do about this? I know I'm being very stupid here, she accepting an under-attractive person into her life shows that she is mature enough to look past the outside and focus on the inside beauty. But why am I still upset about it? I truly believe this girl can be the one I can trust and be with, and I don't want my immaturely to ruin our potential relationship.

Any comments and advices will be greatly appreciated, thank you!

[damn2008]

Don't let it bug you...it's almost the same as wanting someone who is a virgin or something like that. You're being overly picky in that justification. That being said, you are NOT alone in your thought process...I have a friend that feels that white girls who have been with black guys lose all attractiveness to him (he's not racist, just the way he is)...it's just "weird" to him.

Do not push her into a relationship with you. When she is ready for one, she will be ready and don't be surprised if it's not with you....it's just the way girls work.

[everton11]

I been thinking for a while now, and I realize that the real problem is that I'm insecure about myself.

I lack the trust that I really should put in her because of my past experience, so I'm constantly in fear of being eventually rejected.

I used to think I'm a perfect boyfriend, but I realize that I'm too needy, I'm placing too much responsibility onto the girl, giving way too much of my emotion in the early stage. No one wants that.

But I'm trying hard, I'm forcing myself not to call her all the time, not to text her, not to express my jealously about she hanging out with her ex (of course, it stopped already after what happened). I don't want to give her any pressure.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

[damn2008]

At the same time you have to know that you can't change someone no matter how much you try. No matter how much your heart wants someone to be a certain way...you can't change that.

You might just want to live your life and find someone (or have someone find you) that appreciates you for who you are.

[Rollerderby]

You are projecting your lifetime of "fat people are bad" judgements on her. It's not fair. That's your subjective opinion (granted fat isn't healthy, but obese and overweight are different) and you should take a look at the residue of your OCD with physical fitness.

She is who she is, she DIDN'T sleep with him, and you are being shallow if you judge her for who she has dated and slept with. The heart wants what it wants regardless of physical perfection.

It really means, that if you ever got fat again, she'd still be into you. That's a lot.