Partner with PPD

[HMonster]

Hi all, just after some advice, although i think i probably already know...

My partner is a widow. She lost her ex just over 2 years ago now. Their relationship wasn't the best, to say the least. He was very controlling, and she was housebound with their 4 kids. He was also having an affair with another woman. When he died of Chrones disease, she didnt even go to the funeral.

To make matters worse, the "other woman" is the mother of my partners 10 year old girls best friend at school, so she has to see this woman every day. I was doing the school run instead, to keep her away from her.

My partner had a breakdown last january, 13 months ago, and suffered from extreme ppd. She thought the water was poisoned, the food had acid in it, and woke me up one day to say "Whatever she's paying you to do this, Ill double it to get you to stop". Totally not with it. She ended up, and is still on, a mood stabiliser drug, and up till recently has been....ok. Still gets moments, but on the whole, she can see this other woman and not flip out.

The other day however her 10 year old daughter had to go to a birthday party at a kids zone place, just someone else from her class. It was miles away. When i dropped her off, i ran into this other woman. She said she had to stay there with her son, and would drop our 10 year old off on the way home, save two journies etc. I thought briefly, but since my partner had been seeing this woman every day without incident i assumed she was over it.

Boy was I wrong.

It seemed to have just reopened that Pandora's Box. She thinks this other woman is "starting again", "wearing the same colour brown coat she did when they were together", and that she "is trying to make me feel terrible again". My partner then declared SHE would be doing the school runs from now on, as she doesnt want this other woman seeing me at school. Also, my partner really wanted to go back to the world of work, and i would stay home with the kids. This was a great idea, as she has no authority or discipline at home at all, so it would have worked out great, me teaching them life lessons, and not doing everything for them as she does. But now, she has said she wants ME to go back to work, as its "not worth the risk"...

Any time i try to advise her on money issues, its "you're trying to control me, just like HE did". She cannot take any form of constructive criticism about anything without getting arsey over it. Why am *I* the one worried about the kids future, about teaching them about disappoint, frustration, things they need to learn before they get older, and not her?

It's now got to the point where i cant stand to be around them anymore. I spend most of my time up in the computer room, as being around them i see terrible parenting every second of every day, and it just winds me up that she isnt doing anything about it. She's now saying she cant do any discipline till we move house, as the memories are draining her. I know damn well it wont happen even if we do move. I suggested we move away from the area, totally, so get away from this other woman, but ofc, how DARE i offer advice!!!!

That was a bit of a tangent....the main issue is this PPD. I say to her "dont you trust me?", to which she replies "It's not you, i dont trust HER". I try to make her see that an affair takes two people to want it, not just one, but she just wont listen.....

[dem862]

Does PPD stand for paranoid personality disorder?

[HMonster]

Yes, it does in this case, sorry.

[Starnique]

The other day however her 10 year old daughter had to go to a birthday party at a kids zone place, just someone else from her class. It was miles away. When i dropped her off, i ran into this other woman. She said she had to stay there with her son, and would drop our 10 year old off on the way home, save two journies etc. I thought briefly, but since my partner had been seeing this woman every day without incident i assumed she was over it.

Boy was I wrong

You damn right you were. Why would you even think it was okay to have this woman drop the kid off? So what if it hasn't been an incident. If you didn't know this would send her over the edge considering her non secret ill feelings towards this woman, then you seriously lack common sense.

It seemed to have just reopened that Pandora's Box. She thinks this other woman is "starting again", "wearing the same colour brown coat she did when they were together",and that she "is trying to make me feel terrible again". My partner then declared SHE would be doing the school runs from now on, as she doesnt want this other woman seeing me at school. Also, my partner really wanted to go back to the world of work, and i would stay home with the kids. This was a great idea, as she has no authority or discipline at home at all, so it would have worked out great, me teaching them life lessons, and not doing everything for them as she does. But now, she has said she wants ME to go back to work, as its "not worth the risk"...

Any time i try to advise her on money issues, its "you're trying to control me, just like HE did". She cannot take any form of constructive criticism about anything without getting arsey over it. Why am *I* the one worried about the kids future, about teaching them about disappoint, frustration, things they need to learn before they get older, and not her?

I understand that she has been thru a lot but she is a mother. She really needs to get professional help to get past her past. She needs to focus on letting it go. This other woman has already moved on and probably living a happy life and her husband is dead. Why is she still letting them dictate her life and emotions? Its not healthy for her or her children, so have you thought about insisting that she get professional help for her problems? Its time to get over it. I think she is manipulative also. Especially when it comes to working. If you wasn't working how would she live and provide for her children? They have issues to and need family therapy.

It's now got to the point where i cant stand to be around them anymore. I spend most of my time up in the computer room, as being around them i see terrible parenting every second of every day, and it just winds me up that she isnt doing anything about it. She's now saying she cant do any discipline till we move house, as the memories are draining her. I know damn well it wont happen even if we do move. I suggested we move away from the area, totally, so get away from this other woman, but ofc, how DARE i offer advice!!!!

That was a bit of a tangent....the main issue is this PPD. I say to her "dont you trust me?", to which she replies "It's not you, i dont trust HER". I try to make her see that an affair takes two people to want it, not just one, but she just wont listen.....

You need to put your foot down. Have clear communication with her. You offered to move away and she'd rather be stuck and mad in the same spot. That's her choice but you don't have to live like that. Communicate with her and keep it very real. You stepped in and is there for her and her 4 children. She needs to understand that you are there because you love her and care for her, but you don't got to be there. Let her know if she doesn't work towards change and set some standards for herself and kids to live up to there full potential then you have to leave. Just be like you cant stand to see them living like that anymore and while you care for her, you're not going to sit there and be a part of that. She needs to get help or else. You have tried. It didn't work. Its obvious she needs professional help at this point. Set the standards and stick to it. If no improvement, move on with your life because life is too short and if she wants to stay stuck in her past that's on her, but you don't have to live miserably or pay for husbands past mistakes. Do something about it. If you cant because she's unwilling, move on.

[basilandthyme]

Let her know if she doesn't work towards change and set some standards for herself and kids to live up to there full potential then you have to leave. Just be like you cant stand to see them living like that anymore and while you care for her, you're not going to sit there and be a part of that. She needs to get help or else. You have tried. It didn't work. Its obvious she needs professional help at this point. Set the standards and stick to it. If no improvement, move on with your life because life is too short and if she wants to stay stuck in her past that's on her, but you don't have to live miserably or pay for husbands past mistakes. Do something about it. If you cant because she's unwilling, move on.

^^ this. Great advice

[Mattiemae]

Not sure if she's been diagnosed correctly, seems you are saying she is delusional at times. Which is more than the disorder she's been labeled. Anyway, this doesn't seem like something will change. Most many mental disorders really drain you. Take patience, and a battle that may never be won. Her medications really need to be right, and counseling a big part of recovery. She won't be able to change on her own.

It really depends on whether you feel you can get through things with her, or to much for you.

[rest77]

@Starnique Am 100% with you!

[Wakeup]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Starnique again.

Its hard to spread it around when there is no one to spread it around to. Any chance of lowering the number of people you have to spread it around to before you can give it to that same person again? I've run out of people to give rep to.

[Starnique]

Ahhh. Big Juicy Kisses to y'all....ya'll yeah I'm a eastern down south chic