He doesn't love me. What next?

[XyO]

I've been dating Dave for a year and a half. We live together with two other roommates. We were best friends for about two years before we started dating. For the most part, I'm happy, but the "I love you" factor is starting to get under my skin.

I've told him I loved him four times now over the last several months. I told him that if he didn't feel it, he didn't have to say it back until he did. But now it's been a year and a half and I'm starting to get impatient (wouldn't you?). He does little things that makes me feel loved. When I go running at night, he'll ride his bike next slowly to me to make me feel safe. He wants to get a dog with me and has offered to pay $200 towards it. He talks to his parents about me almost daily.

He does little things that worry me. He doesn't ever want to eat out with me and my parents. He doesn't like to have sex a lot. He's been in one other relationship that was long distance, his first and only love, and he didn't have sex during it for something like four years. He ended up breaking up with her because it was too tough for him to finish his degree and talk to her every night for an hour and it crushed him. He tried to get back with her two months later, but she started dating someone else. Now she's married to that guy. He told me once when we were friends that he would always love her. But that was four years ago for him.

I said something snide last night that hurt him. He wanted to take a picture with some celebrity by himself instead of with me also so I said, "That figures. You don't want a picture with me because we're not serious enough for your memory." It was wrong and I dropped the subject right away, but it was enough to make him want to sleep on the couch. For the most part, we never fight. I told him to talk to me first and it lead to the "love" conversation where he told me he didn't know if he loved me. First he said, "I've said it before and it crushed me." The second thing he said was, "I want to be absolutely sure before I say it."

That was the jist of it. He also began to tell me about how working on his master's degree has made him lost and that he doesn't know what to do with his life. He doesn't know how to work on his thesis and overall, he's uber confused.

So what the hell now? I don't want to end it. I don't really want to move out. I can be patient for maybe six more months. But I need someone to give me some feedback. Anything really. What's next?

[smackie9]

Sounds to me he could be suffering from depression, or just unsatisfied with his boring life. Just a thought. Anyways you need to ask him for the honest truth. Ask him if he sees a future with you two or are you just in limbo, or is too afraid to end the relationship. The thing is if you are not getting what you want out of this relationship then it's time to call it quits and find someone that fulfills your expectations. Don't date someone because they are just there or are afraid to be on your own.

[Wakeup]

If I were you, I certainly would want to know what was up after a year of exclusive dating. However: I would not have yet another conversation about the same thing when he is already stressed about getting his Masters and had a thesis to compile. Right now you are there and he feels secure that you're not going anywhere so basically, he is taking you for granted. He has other priorities that he does not yet have secure and that is what is taking up his time, energy and attention.

If you must give him some sort of ultimatum or time-line to get on board with your way of thinking then I suggest you give him until after he has his degree in place and the stress of that is gone all together.

While you're waiting patiently, I suggest you read The Five Love Languages. Perhaps if you do, you'll realize that he is telling you he loves you... he's just not using words to do it.

[HeartIsAching]

While you're waiting patiently, I suggest you read The Five Love Languages. Perhaps if you do, you'll realize that he is telling you he loves you... he's just not using words to do it.

There is some truth in this. I used to know a young lady that complained that her husband never said "I love you". I talked to her about his day to day behavior around her and discovered that he said it to her many times a day, just not out loud. For example if you're doing something and he walks up behind you, puts his arms around you, kisses your cheek/smells or strokes strokes your hair and then walks away... he's done just that.

[Wakeup]

^^^ To me, that is worth a thousand "I love you's" said out loud. :o)

[smackie9]

That's all good and dandy if you can accept that, but there are those that NEED to hear it, just like those who NEED a ring to show commitment. Thank god I'm not one of them lol.

[Wakeup]

That's where The Five Love Languages come in. It tells one's partner how their mate shows love and what your own love language is as well. When both people know what their partner's (and what their own) "love language" is, we can adjust and stop showing our partner how we love in our own language and instead show our partner how we love them in their own.

First.. ya gotta know what their language is in order to show them you love them in that way that acctually makes them feel loved.

The Five Love Languages are: Affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time and physical touch:

The first love language listed is words of affirmation. The language we hear, be it positive affirming words or negative language and feedback.

The second love language listed is gifts: "A gift is a tangible object that says, 'I was thinking about you. I wanted you to have this. I love you.' . .

The third love language the book lists is acts of service. For instance, "I know he loves me because he always checks my car over before I leave on a business trip. He checks the oil, the tires, and makes sure I have windshield washer fluid, etc."

The next love language is quality time. This love language is about the experiences we share with our loved ones. How do you spend your time together?

The final love language is physical touch. The book states, "Numerous research projects in the area of child development have come to the same conclusion: Babies who are held, hugged, and touched tenderly develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact. .

Lets face it, we all like to have all of the five love languages bestowed upon us but we are conditioned by how we are shown love growing up which one ultimately becomes our primary language.

Which one is your love language, Op? By this thread, I'd guess it is: Words of Affirmation. If your bf read the book too it would (I think) help you both.

[XyO]

Thanks so much for all the great advice. I feel like I just needed a gamut of unbiased opinions to put some things into perspective.

Smackie - I think you're right and he is suffering from some version of depression. I do believe that he cares deeply for me and he's not the kind of guy that would date someone completely superficially. I'm normally a very independent person and I'm definitely not with him because I want someone around. We're both very active, we're running a half marathon together soon, and we've got lots of hobbies.

Wakeup - I can really get behind your advice. Giving an ultimatum is not yet on the table and things are still complacent enough that I can wait it out a little longer. I'll certainly give The Five Languages of Love a hard look. It sounds like writing that can help me identify what matters.

Heartisaching - I think I will keep closer tabs on his day to day behavior because there are a lot of small things that he does for me on a regular basis. I had considered keeping tabs because anyone who knows him is amazed when he makes an effort for anyone and he regularly makes an effort for me. I don't consider myself the type of person who needs to hear "I love you" all the time, but sometimes situations like this have a tendency to breed insecurities that I had never felt before. Thanks for all your help.

Thanks all!