self satisfaction?

[Salum Witch]

ok please tell me honestly but not too bluntly as im having a hell of a time and cant take much more....

background:
weve been together just over 5 yrs, engaged 4.5yrs. i was a size 4 when we got toether (stupidly thin - protruding bones etc) then i got pregnant really quickly on our first and only holiday together (3months in) and having had 2 children im now a 14-16. my boobs are huge compared to what they were, but im covered in stretch marks, have a c-section scar/overlap as i nearly died i had to have emergency c sections. this will NEVER go away! im also disabled (severe chronic back pain, hypermobility & sciatica)so find it very hard to loose weight due to restricted mobility. we are no longer engaged due to an arguement over how to disipline a 4yr old for stealing food from the kitchen cupboard - he decided not to be engaged anymore and its tearing me apart!

problem 1:
im too self concious!
i used to be a model, an x rated one at that. i was really confident about my body, i loved being skinny, loved having nudey photos taken of me, before we got together i made hm aware of my job and told him i wouldnt quit just cos of him and he has the opportunity to walk away before we made our fondeling a thing. he told me he was glad i had the confidence to do such things and he was ok with it, he knew it was single shots there were no other paticipants in the photos and so was ok with this. but then i nearly died, had emergency c section, shot up to a size 22-24 after giving birth and feel discusted with myself, quit the modelling cos i had no self confidence left. Im bi and looking in the mirror... i wouldnt..... this makes me upset which makes my confidence worse. we slowly got our sex life back on track but never completely. i then had our 2nd child and dropped to a size 14-16.... very happy about this but still not comfortable... still have the horrible roll of belly i will never loose due to c sections and most of the thing i used to love.... im too scared to do anymore..... like i cant stand 69 anymore or being on top just the thought of having to see my belly upsets me. i feel sick. he keeps trying to push me to do certain things, its taken a year for me to deal with 69 again, and hes still pushing for something else but i just cant......

problem 2:
self satisfaction.
the way that i see relationships is that you dont satisfy yourself... you satisfy the other person.... well i went out yesterday and when i came home i found a condom in the toilet bowl when i went to pee.... it hadnt been flushed! when i asked how it got there all he said was "no idea". whys he lying to me?
its obvious hes satisfying himself.... surely if i was what he wanted, then he wouldnt need to.... or failing that he would send me a dirty text.....so that i could send him something that will get him going etc.... but no... he lied.... i know its not a question of "theres someone else" cos hes always turned offers down, was a irgin before me, the only time we even think of someone else is when we are trying to find smeone to join us (which in 5 yrs we still havent). so whys he doing it? whys he lying about it?

[smackie9]

Because he is unhappy. And it wouldn't surprise me if he was cheating. Men don't use condoms while masturbating. Time to have an open honest talk with him. Stop being in denial.....ask him if he wants this relationship to end. There is no point waiting for the inevitable...just get it over with.

[Salum Witch]

this is the thing.... he does use condoms when doing this, as we have dark bedding and so its obvious if he has done something without one, which obviously leads to mre questions from me if i spot the stain.... so even if we are having fun... we have a fantasy that we share which is that he is tied to the door (we have cuffs) and hes got the "toy" behind him, whist he watches me with a girl, this is something we both want to do. and we have adapted it to invloved a wireless ring on him plus the toy behind whist i sit in sexy poisitons with the remote talking him through the fantasy which gets the both of us worked up but even then a condom is used but hes the one that decideds its being used. (and much as hes ok with toys he wont go near another man).

regarding cheating, we tend to keep ourselves to ourselves, we have lived here for 4yrs now and the only people he knows is males he used to work with with, and a few guys from down the road and a couple of my mates, i know a female friend and her brother and the same guys down the road my guy knows, we figure "friends are the family you choose for yourselves" we have very few friends but the ones we have would do anything for us and vice versa.

how do i help to make him more happy? right now im willing to try anything even if it makes me feel sick! and we went through the "do you want a relationship of any kind?" he said he wants to be with me and he loves me hes just not sure if he wants to marry me anymore.... this conversation was had about a week ago we came to the conclusion that all the little stresses piling on top of us was too much...

[vashti]

we are no longer engaged due to an arguement over how to disipline a 4yr old for stealing food from the kitchen cupboard - he decided not to be engaged anymore and its tearing me apart!

Wait, you are punishing a 4 year old for eating food? WTF is wrong with you both? 4 year old don't "steal" food. They eat what they want when they are unsupervised. Both of you adults should be punished for not keeping a closer eye on him.

[smackie9]

If he doesn't want to marry you then he is saying you have to change....but what you have to change can only come from him when you have that conversation with him.

[Salum Witch]

this is the thing vashti.... i was stating not to, he was stating to punish so please dont tell me how to parent my child! the entire arguement was him saying "no dinner - thats what my parents did with me" i was stating "he four he needs to eat" our son had been down for a nap, i had been in the garden for maybe 5 minutes (with the door open) letting the dog out to do his business when the food (which we cant afford to waste due to no money) was taken. so what was i supposed to do? let the dog poo in the house or let him out in the garden? and my partner was out, our son had taken the food and gone back up to bed and it wasnt until we went up to get him from his nap we found an entire box of nutri grain wrappers all over his bed with him fast asleep in bed....o and this was the first instance we found he had figured out how to open the two stair gates between him and the food and he closed them behind him as well!

[Salum Witch]

so smackie do you think that at this point it would be due to my lack of self confidence? and that i need to get over it and just force myself to do all the things we used to do that im not confident to do anymore?

[smackie9]

I don't know.... you will have to ask him yourself. Communication with your husband is the only way to get answers.

[smackie9]

this is the thing vashti.... i was stating not to, he was stating to punish so please dont tell me how to parent my child! the entire arguement was him saying "no dinner - thats what my parents did with me" i was stating "he four he needs to eat" our son had been down for a nap, i had been in the garden for maybe 5 minutes (with the door open) letting the dog out to do his business when the food (which we cant afford to waste due to no money) was taken. so what was i supposed to do? let the dog poo in the house or let him out in the garden? and my partner was out, our son had taken the food and gone back up to bed and it wasnt until we went up to get him from his nap we found an entire box of nutri grain wrappers all over his bed with him fast asleep in bed....o and this was the first instance we found he had figured out how to open the two stair gates between him and the food and he closed them behind him as well!

You better keep an eye on that, sounds to me the beginning of a eating disorder.

[Salum Witch]

communication is not that simple with someone with adhd..... trust me iv tried, i ask a question he gets pissed of and goes silent..... i then have to keep coming up with random answers to that question before he finally says anything but by that point hes pissed off and in the end things are worse.

[Salum Witch]

what makes it worse is our son has an allergy to milk protein! so he sees my partner have them, wants to try them but we tell him "no sweetheart it will make you sicky here have this instead giving him a home baked cookie with no milk" and he still wants to try the things that make him sick so its not just a question of he stole the food its that hes making himself ill with it, and he still keeps doing it, problem is hes the only one in the family with this allergy and we dont have enough cupboard space high up to put all the food that makes him ill so the food has to be in bottom cupboards where he can reach, the "safety clips" you can get for cupboards, he can undo! and obviously now he knows how to undo stair gates!

[smackie9]

communication is not that simple with someone with adhd..... trust me iv tried, i ask a question he gets pissed of and goes silent..... i then have to keep coming up with random answers to that question before he finally says anything but by that point hes pissed off and in the end things are worse.

I know someone with ADHD and he doesn't have issues with telling the truth or expressing himself. This has nothing to do with ADHD, he is just afraid to say anything to you.....a lot of people have a problem doing this. Tormenting him by coming up with random answers to your question is a poor way to deal with it....it's no wonder he gets pissed off and clams up. He is only reacting to your behavior towards him and not from his disorder. You are just making excuses.

[Salum Witch]

no trust me when i say he has problems communicating, he says things and people take it te wrong way then he has to try to explain himself a bit more and they get even more upset and i offer to help which he always accepts so i explain it with a bit more "fluffiness" (as his "back to work" councillor says) and he agrees this is what he meant and then the people calm down... im assuming the people you know with this condition have had it medicated, well my partner has not and has never been taught how to deal with it, people tend to grow out of it as they get older but my partner has not, infact his condition has become worse, much worse with stress i find hes asking me to reword what he says when he notices someone has taken something the wrong way and so i oblige. i love him dearly and have come to understand that when he says something its not neccessarily what he actually means and so i guess i tend to translate it with added "fluffiness" as a general day to day thing without realising i am doin so all the time.

yes i realise that coming up with answers to get him to talk is probably not the best way but at the same time during these times i really dont care i just want answers and at the same time if i tell him whats going through my mind by asking "is it this" "is it that" then he can see that im thinking much worse than the actual answer and after time he lets me know its not as bad as what im thinking...

on the plus side, whilst he was out i started looking up stuff that he has asked me to do in the bedroom (where outfits etc are needing to e bought) or things that i have mentioned to him (where outfts are needed to be bought) when he returned i asked again why the condom was where it was telling him i knew the answer but need to hear it from him and that i dont want an arguement i just want to try to get us back on track in our relationship and think i may have a starting point. he told me the truth and asked what my ideas were to get us back on track. we have now agreed that we will do the things we used to but i will be the one to push myself rather than him pushing me. and that if he wants to satisfy himself whilst im out he will text me at which point i can reply with dirty thoughts and so i feel that i am helping with this as per my thooughts on relationships (that im here to get him and vice versa). we are both in agreeance that this is probably the best waay forward.