Dealing with a player

[Papillon Girl]

I posted on here a few days ago about someone I know through work. I have not been able to post the link but to summarise we do not work together and only see each other every few weeks. The last couple of times have been the first time we have actually spent time together where we could talk and both body language and conversation were very flirtatious. It has all been mutual and if anything he started it when we saw each other the last time.

So he flirts very heavily with me when I see him but just acts as if colleagues over the phone etc. After my last post in the above thread, I spoke to him about work and there was just no flirting whatsoever. It was all perfectly friendly and chatty. Work only took 2 minutes of the conversation and we were on the phone for quarter of an hour - he definitely encouraged the chat just as much as I.

I don't know whether he is genuinely interested but wants the work to be just work or whether he is just a tease or whether he is playing a game with me to reel me in. I am not after anything serious with this man but I do like him.

Amy thoughts or suggestions on what I can do.

[reeba]

You like the guy but don't want anything serious and want to know how to proceed?

Is that your question?

You didn't give us your ultimate goal, except you don't want a serious relationship with him. Not sure if you want to have NSA sex, want to continue flirting, or want him to leave you alone.

[Papillon Girl]

Sorry - I haven't really made it that clear have I.

Yes I want to know how to proceed and whilst not wanting anything serious, I am after NSA sex.

[Charlie Boy II]

^^^

well if the guy really is a player I don't see what your doing on this board. You both want the same thing. Just don't be surprised if it ends more abruptly than you had in mind.

[Papillon Girl]

Charlie - sorry if I have caused offence. Really did not intend to do that. Just to clarify, when I say NSA sex, I don't mean I am just after a f*** and that's that. I want to see him but keep it casual. I just don't want anything serious at the moment.

[Yggdrasil]

Charlie - sorry if I have caused offence. Really did not intend to do that. Just to clarify, when I say NSA sex, I don't mean I am just after a f*** and that's that. I want to see him but keep it casual. I just don't want anything serious at the moment.

So tell him.. or are you shy?

[Papillon Girl]

So tell him.. or are you shy?

LOL - not shy so much but sometimes lack confidence. I don't want to make a fool of myself and have him reject me because I have maybe misunderstood his level of interest (although when I last met him, it did seem very high). He is someone I will have to see at work from time to time so I also don't want that kind of awkwardness between us.

[Yggdrasil]

Yeah I understand but you have to understand that he can not read your mind

If you want to know where you are standing, and you want him to know where he's standing, the only way is to communicate your intentions.

Sure, you may get rejected, you may end up in an ackward work situation, hence, it may rain on the south pole.

By not being honest to yourself and to him, all you're doing is causing more trouble than it's worth.

I'd tell him (well in my case her) if I would be in your situation. Then again, I have enough self esteem to move a mountain (matter of speech).

I don't know if I am making sense here.

[Papillon Girl]

You're making perfect sense and I know that is probably the only way I will get an answer. I just know that I have been thrown by his obvious interest when I saw him last week then followed by his purely friendly attitude on the phone during the week. But then as I type this, I just think well didn't I do the same thing. I was also just friendly though the conversation lastest far longer than it needed to for work.

[Yggdrasil]

Then again, I have enough self esteem to move a mountain (matter of speech).

And I would like to add: and I don't care what other people think about me. My self worth doesn't depend on the opinions of others.

Anyways.. you do what you think is right for you

I only give my opinion.

[Rollerderby]

whoa you talked on the phone for a quarter of an hour! 15 whole minutes... ooo sounds like love bells!!!

Anyway, why don't you ask him out for a drink. Drinks are casual, do not spell commitment to him, but what you're looking for rarely happens. Few people are able to have casual long term (and in this case I mean a few months) flings if one isn't interested in more than the other. Best case scenario if your just looking for a friend to sleep with sometimes, is going to be a booty call buddy. If you want to hang out with him and not just eff him you're going to have to get to know him well enough that you have stuff to talk about. But if he is only after sex, he isn't going to want to hang out with you when you aren't ****ing. It's just a fact of life.

[Papillon Girl]

Rollerderby

Oh please! I gave those details about the phone call just to give a clearer picture of the communication between us. I am trying to figure out whether he is interested or not, that is all. As for asking him out for a drink, he lives about 4 hours away from me so that is not really practical at this stage. I would need to be more confident that he liked me before that. By the way, when we do meet we can find plenty to talk about.

The point of my thread is trying to figure out whether he is a player and how do I deal with that. I suspect pushing him is probably not the answer but would like to know what others think.

[starbuck]

Perhaps he is attracted to you, but doesn't want to date a workmate.

You mention that he's all business on the phone. Workplace romances can be tricky. My guess is that this is his motivation for being hot and cold.