So... am I a jerk?

[Namari]

I’m twenty-three, and I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. I love him to bits, but, to put it bluntly, he’s dumb as a doornail. He’s also one of the sweetest guys on the planet, and tries (unsuccessfully) to please everyone. He is also very needy and insecure. He talks all the time about how we should get married and make babies, both of which I have told him I plan never to do. Repeatedly.
Recently, I’ve gotten back into contact with a man who I had a summer fling with a couple years back that ended on friendly terms. We have met up for coffee twice, and I had more fun sitting there talking with him about science-y things than I do when I do “fun” activities with my boyfriend… such as movies, amusement parks, etc., mainly because I was not the one making every single decision, including whether we had fun.
This contrast has gotten me to start thinking about why I’m still with my boyfriend. Honestly, I probably would have left him the moment he said the “m” word, but I’m afraid that he will end up with another girl who takes advantage of him, or end up with an even lower self-esteem. As far as I know, I am the only person who doesn’t walk all over him (including his parents!). Am I a terrible person for wanting to abandon him? My girl friends tell me that I would be insane to leave someone who is so nice, and I am starting to wonder if they might be right.

[bluesummer]

Wow, you make this guy sound like such a pity case, and like you're his saviour for dating him or something. In a sense, with that attitude, you are walking on him too by making yourself sound like such a martyr for his cause.

I'm sure he will do just fine on his own with someone who doesn't find him a boring simpleton. Stop taking pity on him. Just let him go to find someone who appreciates him more.

[Namari]

I don’t feel like I am his savior for dating him… I guess I didn’t really extol his better qualities, like that he is very charming and thoughtful. It is just that he is one of those people who is thoughtful because he only thinks of other people—he doesn’t think of or for himself.
But you are right; I should let him find someone who appreciates him more. But how do you leave someone that is clingy and needy? I’ve had a lot of problems with harassment and stalking, so I guess I’m not really the best at breaking up with people.

[Cain]

Simple. If he stalks you, get a restraining order.

Regardless, you shouldn't be with someone you don't want to be with. And honestly, you should have left him the first time he mentioned marriage because it's obvious he wants marriage and children eventually and you don't. Those are major obstacles and two people who want different things in both regards should not even consider being together.

[clearskies]

The answer to the title of your thread is 'yes'.
I feel much contrast in your story, Like 'he is nice and I am afraid of stalking'... he cant be both things. If he is that good, why would you think of someone else? Why would you leave him for another guy because he made a mistake when he talked about marriage?
I think the best thing you should do is to deal with your insecurity and seeking attention and to leave him for good if he is really nice as you said yourself. After that you will then need to look for someone else who will match you.

[Cain]

The answer to the title of your thread is 'yes'.
I feel much contrast in your story, Like 'he is nice and I am afraid of stalking'... he cant be both things. If he is that good, why would you think of someone else? Why would you leave him for another guy because he made a mistake when he talked about marriage?
I think the best thing you should do is to deal with your insecurity and seeking attention and to leave him for good if he is really nice as you said yourself. After that you will then need to look for someone else who will match you.

Because they want different things in life? Just because someone is nice doesn't mean that they will be compatible with everyone.

[Namari]

clearskies- I just want to clarify that I did not mean to imply that I’m afraid my boyfriend will stalk me if we break up. I mentioned it to exemplify my shortcomings at cleanly ending a relationship.

[clearskies]

how do you leave someone that is clingy and needy? I’ve had a lot of problems with harassment and stalking, so I guess I’m not really the best at breaking up with people.

that is what you said about stalking.

[Cain]

that is what you said about stalking.

She's not saying for sure he's going to stalk her. She's saying that he's extremely needy and clingy and that even though SHE wants to let go, he might not be able to. If she breaks up and he won't leave her alone, that's harassment. If he follows her and tries to show up places she's at to talk to her cause he's clingy, that's stalking. She's just trying to break it off in the best way to avoid that.

[clearskies]

Be sure, if he is really nice as you and your friends see him, he will not do that. Only foolish ones who think they are taking revenge in such ways of harrassing others. Authorities could be involved if you fear this anyway.
Try to let ur bf know soon what you have decided, if you have already made your mind about deserting him.
If you were in his place, you won't be happy . I see that it is unfair and harsh for someone to be dumped for nothing wrong he did. Don't you agree on that?

[Cain]

Nice people can't be stalkers? Stalking isn't some vengeful thing. He can be nice but still be clingy and feel like he needs her in his life and stalk. It isn't reserved just for the mean.

And why are you always saying people should stay together? They disagree on TWO MAJOR EVENTS in a person's life. He wants a marriage and children eventually and SHE DOESN'T. Why must they stay together when she will never give him what he wants?

[clearskies]

What I said twice in two of my posts above was to leave him IMMEDIATELY But Amicably. She cant stay with him since she is not convinced of his character. She cant use the words she described him as, if she was in love with him.

[Cain]

So she can't say he's a nice and sweet and thoughtful guy if she's not in love with him?

Where the hell do you grab some of your ideas? Your ass?

[clearskies]

I mean Clingy needy insecure ...etc

[Namari]

So she can't say he's a nice and sweet and thoughtful guy if she's not in love with him?

Where the hell do you grab some of your ideas? Your ass?

Oh man, you just made me giggle out loud.