Taking a break

[Onion42]

Hello all, the other day my girlfriend of over 6 years gave me the "i need to take a break" speech just in time for the holidays.

I am 35 and she is 33 and we have been dating for just over 6 years and with most relationships of that length we have had plenty of good and plenty of bad. But we have always gotten thru it. We did have a problem about 2 years ago and for a short while we seperated. We did get back togther and for me that was the signal that eventually we would get married. What kills me right now is that i have been working on plans for us to get married and she drops this on me. I also left my job over 10 years that she didn't like based off the fact we got back togther and we were going to work on a new career for me togther. I believe that a break means the worst for a relationship. During our talk i told her that if we are going to get married that "taking a break" during a marriage just cant happen. If we are married we have to work out our problems as a team and not run away from them. She isnt one to let go of past problems we have had very easily. In fact she is still angry with a few incidents that we had awhile back. So we had the "break talk" and it was very emotional and difficult. She wants to leave the option open during the time to see other people and we didnt put any time frame on the break. She spent the night and it was a very passionate night. She told me that she loves me deeply, couldn't imagine being with anybody else, would make a good husband and father but she still needs time to herself. All of which makes this so much harder because she is the only person i love and want to be with and now she could be gone after 6 years of ups and downs, learning about and loving each other its a huge emotional and life investment.

How do people feel about the "break"? Can it be a good thing for relationships? Anybody have a first or second hand information on "breaks" they have had or know about? The time apart is going to be very difficult as i really want to talk to her. Is it best to just let the person go and just hope they will come back to you and your relationship will be stronger for it?

[carl1222]

99% of the time "break" = "breakup"

In my opinion, asking for a break is the most cowardly, spineless, self-centered self serving thing a partner in a romantic relationship can do to the other.

Your girlfriend is asking for permission to cheat on you for an indeterminate period of time, keeping the relationship alive but abandoning all commitment. What incredible ba**s!!!

You should tell your girlfriend that a break accomplishes nothing that an old-fashioned breakup wouldn't do better. If, in time we both decide we want to be together again then we can start a new relationship. And by the way, in the new relationship, your complaining that I left the toilet seat up in 2005 is off limits because it happened before we got together again.

Carl.

[Gigabitch]

I just don't have enough information, here. What are the "incidents" she's angry about? What caused your break last time? What promises were made by each of you when you got together, and have they been kept?

[Mish]

How do people feel about the "break"? Can it be a good thing for relationships? Anybody have a first or second hand information on "breaks" they have had or know about? The time apart is going to be very difficult as i really want to talk to her. Is it best to just let the person go and just hope they will come back to you and your relationship will be stronger for it?

I don't think a "break" is a good idea. It adds confusion and puts your future into a limbo. I personally wouldn't settle for it. My response to such a suggestion would be, we either try to work things out or it's over and we go our seperate ways. (Or in other words "Win / Win or No Deal")

Your readiness to go either way is a bedrock against which she can finalize her mind and get a sense of closure and realize what it is that she really wants. It's a very strong response which brings clarity into the future of your relationship and future of your own. In my mind this is your best choice.

[ecojeanne]

well speaking from the other aspect;

i asked my ex for a break in our relationship coz honestly he was driving me crazy with needing attention all the time when i was trying to set up my buisiness. he literally drove me mad coz all he did was complain that i didn't have enough time for him...and yet i saw him everyday! he was working part-time and i was spending a lot of time with my dad coz he was helping me with the business end of things and he had the cheek to say it was unusual and annoying. i cared for him a lot but it just made me say ; right i want a break for a while until i get things in order (thinking to myself...this is ridiculous)

he was delighted! he said so does this mean i can sleep with other people?

so i decided not to go ahead with the break...even tho 3 weeks later i ended up breaking up properly

so i'm just saying there must be more to the story; altho i do think her sayin' she wants to see other people that it is a sign that she is not actually commited to one person longterm.

i reckon she's chickening out of actually saying she wants to break up properly

[carl1222]

Yeah, and I'll bet you a dollar to a donut, Onion, that once on the "break" a new boyfriend will magically appear.

Carl.