marriage doomed? or is there hope?

[ks_guy]

Hi all, first off since I'm new I should give a little background here. I'm 30, my wife is 39 so there is a little age difference there. We first met in 2004. We've since been married for about a year and a half now, but basically have been together since first meeting. It just clicked. In fact, we've moved in together about 6 months into it.

Fast forward to present day. Our intimate side is on life support. It started out strong, it really did, but it seems as time as gone by, our sex life has turned completely utilitarian (in hopes of a kiddo). Can it be that I'm just holding my hopes too high, and having sex at most twice a month is just the norm? And when it does happen, it just seems like that fire and passion are gone.

I've tried to take the initative and create a romantic atmosphere, do the things I think she likes to turn her on. But the majority of the time, her reaction is a very monotone, "I like what you are doing, but lets pick this up in a couple of hours". So we are basically intimate on her schedule, and (having roughly kept track) she hasn't tried to come on to me since getting married. Her approach is usually along the lines of "you wanna? lets go brush our teeth and I'll meet you in the bedroom" From there, you could almost set your watch to the events following.

As a result of this, I will admit my feelings have been hurt at times, and I guess I'm starting to hold a certain amount of resentment towards her and have at times avoided intimacy. I've gone so far as having acted like an ass when I thought she might offer sex. I guess, in an effort to beat her to the punch so its not even offered. I know alot of our petty arguements and being chippy with each other are probably a direct result from the frustrations of this, on both sides.

I've tried talking to her. I've asked her why its so different now. Her answer is that she doesn't know why she has these feelings of ackwardness when approaching me. I've asked her, and she can't think of anything that I've done, but we had a big fight shortly after moving in together and I really think that has alot to do with it. But here's the catch with that. If I bring that up, she tells me that I'm just bringing it up to beat her over the head with it again, which isn't the case at all. I can say that I honestly have moved on from that, but if I mention it with regards to our current situation, she just gets mad that I'm bringing it up and I don't know how to ask or approach talking to her about it.

It just seems like we are slowing being drug to the far poles of the relationship, and we may never really come back together...which leads me to this. I'm hoping for some advice, insight, etc...

Granted this isn't our only problem, but its our most prominent at this point in time. Life isn't all bad, and I'm not trying to paint that picture, but it just doesn't have that feel of a relationship anymore. Its like we cohabitate this house, we pick at each other on the smallest things, and it feels like its slowly spiralling down. Has anyone gone through anything like this, and how did it work out? Does anyone have any input, good or bad?

[Sonrisa]

yeah, going through the same thing here. no idea how to work it out though. females lose interest so quickly and get bored.

[Gigabitch]

I suggest you talk to her about what her parents' marriage was like and how she'd like hers to e different. It sounds to me like she's gotten really immersed in a rut, and maybe she doesn't even want to be there. Give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her straight up.

[Sonrisa]

I suggest you talk to her about what her parents' marriage was like and how she'd like hers to e different. It sounds to me like she's gotten really immersed in a rut, and maybe she doesn't even want to be there. Give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her straight up.

what about me? we talked about everything too many times, there's just no desire for it. he is lucky to get it twice a month.

[ks_guy]

On her parents relationship, they divorced somewhere around when she was 10. But her Dad was never really in the picture throughout much of her life. He has since remarried (someone the rest of the family dislikes), but at Thanksgiving, X-Mas, etc...everybody can coexist in the same room and get along. It wasn't a fairytale childhood for her, but it wasn't the worst by any means either.

I agree, I think she is in a rut. I'm in a rut too. Take this morning for example. I left for work a half hour early, just so I could be somewhere other than there. So I sat here at my desk, like I do alot of the time, beating my head against the wall wondering if its going to get better or if we just put a bandaid on it again until the next time it festers up.

And for Sonrisa, I say twice a month as a very good month. We've been together the one time this calendar year that I can remember and it was so text book "us" that I lost interest and stopped before it was over. I think she took a cue from that and said we needed to work on hugging each other in the mornings before we go to work, and to be more of a loving couple. I thought this might be the turning point, but after 2 days, she almost refuses to initiate any kind of contact.

[ks_guy]

She wants to lose weight so she can start working with the horses again (in hopes of being ready for the local parade this summer), so she's on the treadmill in the mornings. I think this is an awesome way for her to maybe stir the blood up and get motivated...but after about 3 days, she said it was getting hard and this morning she did nothing. So I'm going to assume this process is going to go down like alot of her efforts. She's going to get overly gung-ho, then put in minimal effort, think its going to work flawlessly, and get really upset when it blows up. Then comes even more withdrawal from the relationship.

So, I'm at a loss. It seems like our best times right now are when we are neutral. It never really gets into the plus side. How would we go about getting back on the right path, or is it a lost cause and should we cut bait and save further headache? I can't believe I'm even asking that, but there are times that I have seriously thought to myself that maybe this was a mistake.

[vashti]

She may be having some issues with depression and/or may be perimenopausal. Has she seen her physician?

Also, sorry if this sounds insensitive, but how is your preformance in bed? Women who orgasm usually enjoy sex.

[ks_guy]

She does take welbutron (spelling?), and I can see how that would affect things. But with my insurance, its not like she is going to not be able to get script filled, and this isn't a new condition...so I've ruled that out in my mind since our polarization is a gradually increasing thing. I could be wrong, and maybe its just as simple as that.

As for sex, I've always thought it was good for both of us. She gets hers, and I get mine. Every single time? No, but I think thats the case for everyone, but I will say that the majority of the time, it happens for her. It really is like, she doesn't have variety now (this i one of the longest, if not the longest relationship she's been in), and I'm just this old hat, same ol' same ol', and nothing is going to change. So, she's just not into me anymore I guess. Which, I suppose happens, but its like she doesn't even make the effort anymore. Its more of a chore. Its just frustrating that, here's someone I really love and I think loves me back...but I feel like a troll to her sometimes because of the way she approaches anything intimate. It used to be really good. We were both comfortable with each other, we kept an open dialog...it was like the old saying, "love without abandon". But it just feels guarded now, I can tell I'm pulling back as is she and I'm afraid its going to slowly implode. It seems like sex is a very accurate barometer for the relationship, at least in our case. And its not looking good on that front.

[ks_guy]

I guess I should also mention that she has expressed that she has always had a "thing" for older guys. And her last guy was a few years older than her, and was also of the "bad boy" ilk. He was the bar hopper, lived in the fast lane, and wasn't always the nicest to her.

So she goes from him to me, a younger guy, more "safe", stable career, rural community, etc...basically a 180 from where she was.

[vashti]

Wellbutrin CAN have a negative impact on sexual function, but of all the antidepressants, it is probably the least likely. Her problem could be (again) hormonal.

Have you guys tried seeking therapy? It isn't really fair to expect that you become asexual, and I am sure she knows that. She needs to be open about what the problem is, with or without professional assistance.

[Gigabitch]

what about me? we talked about everything too many times, there's just no desire for it. he is lucky to get it twice a month.

I'll look for your thread about this.