should i carry on or give up on it?

[nina975]

hi everyone just needing some advice and want to know peoples thoughts on this. i've been in a relationship for 4 years. we met and started dating almost straight after my partner came out of a 2yr internet relationship. in the beginning i was not phased by the fact my partner wanted to stay friends with his ex because i was secure that he wanted to be with me and i was silly enough to believe that he had moved on. long story short in these four years he's secretly kept an email account so he can contact her, used the fact i've gotten insecure about it to justify him keeping it a secret from me. he compares me to his ex and brings her up in conversation a lot of the time and i feel like i'm in a love triangle. there have also been secret phonecalls that i have not known about and contact via fb that i didn't know about. he tells me nothing is going on, he does not have any feelings for her anymore but why does my gut tell me something else. i am usually a level headed down to earth person but since being in this relationship i've been second guessing my convictions and boundaries of what i need in a relationship. i've been told nothing is going on but why does he keep things from me if this is the case? and why does he keep having to run back to his ex and use his ex whenever we have an argument or disagreement. he tells me i push him back to her? i tell him he owes me at least the truth because i'm not in this relationship to play games. the latest one i found was his exes email on the FB login page and i asked him outright do they have a fb page that they have secretly so they can keep in contact? and he tells me that it was an error. i feel stupid for taking this reasoning. i searched for this email address on FB and it comes up with an account with a name his ex uses as an alias. i asked him plainly about whether this was her account, do they access it to keep in contact and how long has it been going on? and he tells me he loves me and that it was not the right time to have the discussion cos i was tired and had just had a long flight and long work day.

am i taking this too far? should i just trust what he is saying to me? or does anyone agree with what my gut is saying in that there is something not right going on behind my back? this is what he has told me today regarding this situation that he will write me an email to answer my questions and that he is not willing to discuss it any further. and that he has accepted that i may not see him as good enough for me, he is in love with me and if i'm going to make him feel like shit he's better off on his own and loving himself.

am i unreasonable for voicing out that i am unhappy with him being friends with his ex?

i appreciate your time in reading this

[nutman]

From what you've said it sounds like something fishy is going on. Surely if he loves you he will just explain it to you. If this ex's email was on the FB login page on your computer, that means it was used to login, and your web browser remembered it. So that must mean that either he used it to login, or she did while on that computer. But alas, I dislike all this untruthfulness. If he's not being honest about something, i.e. not taking the time to explain something to you that you're clearly upset about, then I wouldn't say he loves you. But I don't know, I'm basing this on a paragraph you've written. You know best! Try to think about why he might want to still stay in contact with her. If he says that he loves you, why would he hide anything from you? There's no place for paranoia in a relationship.

[devonbrown]

It certainly sounds like he is hiding something. I don't have an issue if someone wants to remain friends with an ex, but to throw her in your face like he is doing plus secretly contacting her is no good. I would just tell him that if there is nothing fishy going on, then don't hide your communication with her. Talk to her on the phone when you are around, etc. If he doesn't want to do that, then I would let him know that you are going to move on because you don't deserve to be played, and that is how it feels.

Good luck.