hindu girl dating a white guy.. my fathers problem

[purpleink]

Hi guys

i've just had one of those days were i just want it to end or just vanish...
So where do i start. ..

I'm a hindu girl in her early 20's and have been dating my boyfriend who is white for over 5 years now. We both live and were born in the u.k. His family know me and we have met so many times now, where as my family only some have met him. My father didn't meet him, he told me he actually didn't want to at all. My sisters and brother have met him as well as my aunt cousins and uncle. Today my boyfriend met my parents for the first time. It was an inconvienent time because we were out at my aunts house and they showed up. I introduced him to my father and mother both said hi and that was that and then my father ended up driving us all back to my house. My boyfriend was confused as was i about what was going to be said why hasn't my father said let's drop him home now nothing. so an hour went by my father and mother both went to eat something whilst me my brother and my boyfriend just watched tv. I then asked my father are you going to drop him home or do you want him to go himself. He said he will. He then came in the living room and sat down he then asked my boyfriend so what do you do? are you studying? He replied back to him my father then said after a while ok let's go and drop him off in gujrati to me. I said ok let's go. The journey to my boyfriends was fine we drove in silence. It was just me my father and my boyfriend in the car. My boyfriend kindly said to my father before he got out the car it was very nice to meet you and hopefully will be able to meet you again. Which was nice of him. On the journey back home...i was expecting something but not what my father said. so were almost home and he says tome so when are you going to get married i said i duno he said what about enaged i said again i duno it's up to him not me i'm not going to force him plus were not ready yet. My father then said why don't you get engaged now i said why now.

(just to let you know a quick brief background, one of my sisters is getting married next year to a white guy, my dad was welcoming no pressure etc on them to before they got enaged, and my boyfriedn is invited to the wedding. My other sister is the eldest and is in her late 30's living at home, always travelling and not wanting to get married.)

My father then said i can't go around introducing my boyfriend to family without us being engaged as it looks bad, i said like who my aunts? I then said to him she invited us as she wanted to meet him so i did so, He then went on to say it's our culture you only go and introduce someone to family when your engaged. I then said well we have been going out for over 5 years now and we both have talked about it and it's looking to go that way most definately, My father then said so why not get engaged now what am i supposed to say to anyone who asks at the wedding who he is i can;t say hes your boyfriend i can only introduce him as your friend i said that's fine then He then said why can't you just tell them the truth he then finally admitted that i have to think about his reputation as he is respected by people and our family. i said are you and what about my older sister shes hows old and shes not married not even thinking about it always travelling doesn't that worry you about your rep. He said shes's different. I then went on to say as at this point i'd had enough that he could say whatever he likes to whoever he likes about me and my boyfriend when it comes to the wedding next year as we both know that we want to be together and get married as does others aswell.

I'm just so argh! at the moment. in a sense i'm feeling like i know were going to fall out over this and well am i wrong in thinking that my father seems to be treating my relationship different to my other sisters.

Advice would be great..now i read it again i don't think this is a very relationship topic....

sorry for the long story

[kopite]

I'm Asian and have had similar things happen within the family. Although when I brought home a white girl it was more a case of "when are you breaking up with her?"

Your father needs to respect that you want to do things in your own timeframe. That's the problem with Asians of that generation. Too worried about how they look in front of their friends and family rather than how the children feel.

Hope it all works out for you.

[purpleink]

really oh i'm sorry to hear that, i know it's just so hard trying to break through to him that he has to think about my boyfriend and how western people do things. my boyfriend respects the hindu culture and my dads actions before when he said how he didn't want to meet my boyfriend until it was serious. The fact that it has now become serious and that he's been invited by my sister and her fiance to their wedding with everyone there is a huge step and i mentioned this to my father that if it was the case of us not being together and getting married etc for the long run then why would my sister invited him. thank you for replying and i'm glad some else understands in that sense it's hard i'm just hoping it will vanish and things will be fine

[kopite]

Fortunately for you, you are not the first in your family to bring home someone of another culture so even if you remained headstrong and did as you pleased I doubt he would disown you. He will probably be upset at first but eventually he will come around. How does your mum feel about it?

[xxazurexx]

Funny how you lot like to live in the West, yet the parents don't like you mixing with Western people....

It would be like me choosing to move to Pakistan and refusing or disallowing my family to mingle with Pakistani people or date them.

Nothing more than 'racism' IMO.

[kopite]

I don't think it's racism at all, your way off the mark there. From the parents perspective the way they see it is if a child grows up with parents from 2 different religions then by what religion does the child grow up learning? Most Asians are religious to some extent, it generally has a big say in the way the child is brought up. Eg one of my mums sisters married a British White guy, had a few kids and they are divorced. I know at least 3 other mixed marriages that have all ended in tears too. Not saying it always ends that way but from the parents perspective if you keep things in house so to speak it provides a more stable upbringing.

To be honest it goes both ways. I've had a few white girlfriends in the past and I don't think their parents approved of them seeing me either. In fact 1 of them was up front enough to admit they want their daughter marrying a catholic bloke. You can't blame parents for wanting to protect their children within their own culture, after all they have grown up themselves within that culture. I'm not saying it's the right way but if you were raised that way the chances are you would want that for your kids too. It's that generation though....

Racism does exist though within our culture although not in a colour sense. I'm talking caste ect...

Ps for the record I'm all for mixing it up.

[xxazurexx]

I think you should all just do what you wanna do and regardless to be honest. You live in a democracy.....free thought and free will, (to a certain extent that is.)

I think the reasons for so many Asian people being stuck in their ways, is because the Asians in this country and mainly and for the majority are still only first and second generation. I know that my exex mum and dad (he was Asian), came to Britain in 1970's, that makes them 'first' generation and still very much abide by the ways of their native homeland. My ex being the son, is 'second generation; - he has a couple of kids, so they are 'third' generation in Britain. I think that with future generations things might become more lax ....

For instance, my exes parents views are 'Marry a Muslim girl from Pakistan'. My exes views are, 'Marry a Muslim girl'. He's already been married once and via an arranged thing in Pakistan when he was 18 - he will probably and eventually marry another Muslim girl. But when I'd asked for his views about who his boys marry one day, they were, 'Marry who you want, as long as you are happy I won't stand in the way'.....so he says anyway.