3 years r/s ended abruptly and I need help getting her back

[sk8erboi88]

We were together for 3 years and these 3 years were the best times of my life. She was the best gf I ever had in terms of how we similar we are on our views on many different issues like money, kids, how we want our r/s to work. She always took good care of me and so thoughtful about me. She also showered me with expensive gifts, extravagant celebration on occasions and she is good looking. Her family likes me too. The only problem we had was that we fight frequently over small things, but they were all settled within a day or two. Things were perfect and we planned to get married and have kids and agreed never to leave each other.

But things changed when she left the country for a 3 months job training(she's currently 1 and a half months there). I admit, I wasn't very understanding the first few weeks she was there as this is the first time we are apart for so long. Then, we fought over a stupid thing again which I gave in and said let's not fight anymore the next day. But she didn't accept it and texted me something which pissed me. We fought again(we both said stupid and nasty things) cuz of that but after a few days, I was the first to give in again and this time I was more patient and said alot of sweet stuffs. Still, she didn't wanna end the cold war and said she's confused and dunno wat to say. I left her alone for a few days and she finally texted me. But to my dismay, she said she still loves me and treasure every moment we shared BUT wants to break up with me. I was totally stumped and disappointed as she was breaking up with me over a stupid fight? And it's not like nobody gave in. I called her to talk but was so angry and hurt that I said "if you wanna end this, fine with me" and I hung up.

About a week later, I realized that I can't move on and that I really love her. I did alot of soul searching asking myself what went wrong and realized alot of problems with myself too. That's when I realized that I can't stop loving her and don't wanna lose her forever. So I wrote her a poem, emails telling her how I feel and even flew over to surprise her. I did all these to try to win her back but nothing worked. When we met in the country she’s training in, she said that she still loves me but she doesn’t have time to talk about us and asked me to wait for her to return then we’ll talk and there’s a slight chance to patch things. We hugged and that was it. I was disappointed cuz that trip didn’t turn out like what I expected. I dun understand why she can’t just take me back instead of asking me to wait another month for her return then talk. Afterall, I’ve already done so much to prove my love.

And now, the most shocking part is, just yesterday I found out that she had been flirting with tons of guys on myspace even while we were still happily together. That totally killed me and I feel like a fool. I trusted her and kept my eyes off her and this is what she had been doing behind my back. The biggest irony is that long ago we agreed not to have social networking accounts like myspace, facebook etc. to prevent such online flirting which will create more fights between us. After deleting my account that day, I’ve kept my promise and didn’t create such accounts. But she, a few months ago created a myspace account secretly and had been flirting with guys online. I feel totally betrayed and speechless. I mean, when she’s with me, she’s always so loving and loyal and treated me so well as if everything was perfect. I never imagined that behind all these lovingness, she was flirting with so many guys secretly. This shocking discovery had deluded my hopes of winning her back. I’m not sure what to do anymore. Not sure if I want her back anymore although part of me still wish things can be back to before. Because I dunno if I can trust her again. Everything seemed so fake now that I found out what she had been doing. All the laughters, good times, hugs, kisses and her telling me that I’m the only man who can sweep her off her feet seem like a big lie now. Her actions are just so unexplainable.

And to make things worst, I’m going into the army this coming 08 oct. I wun be able to talk to her on msn anymore and it’ll be very hard to keep in contact with her. It’s like for the next whole month until she’s back, I might not even be able to talk to her due to the situations.

So I need serious help here. I need to know what to do to make things go back to the perfect ways it was before. I’m totally heartbroken and would do anything to save this r/s.

[Chazza2k]

Hey Skater,

I'm sorry your going through this now, difficult stuff I know.

She's broken it off with you and I think you've found out shes not the girl you thought she was in the first place, or she has changed over a period of time and now wants someone or something different in her life. People change and sometimes you really have to accept it and move on.

Some of my experiences in the last 6months that seem to relate.

After 18 months me and the Ex kinda got a bit cold, she started a new job, was focusing on newer things that really didn't include me in them. I found out she was seeing someone else down a local pub when the local drunk let it slip, but we never really split up, it was the most betrayed feeling I ever felt. First off though I responded just like you, if thats what you want then fine... it hit me a week later. I did what you tried, emails, calling her up, telling her how I missed her, it all had the effect of pushing her further away. It's been around 3 months since we split now, I met her for a coffee last week and realised the girl now doesn't give a damn about me and perhaps never did, I felt like I was being played and used as a fool. She once told me she loved me and I made her feel secure in a way no man has, everything she told me at the time she told me afterward she really didn't mean (she lied) that makes you feel like you didn't know her at all. Try not to blame yourself in everything that has gone on, whatever happened between you is in the past and you cannot change it. Part of me loves her and still misses her hugely and the other part thinks the girl I'm missing was really an illusion, what you see now is the real her and would you really want that back?

After whats she's said to you I'm affraid it doesn't go back to perfect, she betrayed your trust, I'd say you should probably move on.

Best of luck.

[sk8erboi88]

Hey Chazza2k,

thanks for responding. I really don't know what to do or think anymore. Reading the emails she sent me in the past really pisses me off because she was saying that she's not interested in flirting with other guys not even if guys flirt with her first. She told me that no other guy can make her heart move and I'm he only one who can make her heart skip. However, on the same day she sent that email, she was flirting heavily with guys on myspace. I just could not believe it. Shes like such a hypocrite. She was never like that before and I dunno what's gotten into her. Even after that day, she was still treating me very well as before. On my BD, she gave me so many expensive gifts as well as handmade gifts. So what puzzles me is that if she's not that into me anymore, why would she continue to be so extravagant with me? And now that we've broken up, she still gave me a lil hope that there might be a chance to patch things if i wait for her to return home and talk. She was sad and cried when I saw her too.

If I didn't find out about her flirting with other guys, I will still have high hopes of getting back with her after she comes back and I will still think that she still loves me and just wants some space. But after that shocking discovery, I just dunno what's the truth anymore. Some might say flirting online is nth compared to cheating and that if I truly love her, I can forgive. But what's your stand on this? Other than flirting, I know she was not cheating or seeing someone else as she was home everyday. So should I forgive her on this if she ever agrees to come back to me? I just can't let her go cuz of some minor quarrels. It's so stupid and wasted to let go of a 3 year r/s like this. And she's so perfect in everything else. What should I do?

[battlingpig]

Hi sk8erboi, I have been posting in the thread [URL="http://www.loveforum.net/broken-hearts-forum/33907-she-cheated-said-she-didnt-love-me-i-want-her-back.html"]http://www.loveforum.net/broken-hearts-forum/33907-she-cheated-said-she-didnt-love-me-i-want-her-back.html[/URL]

My story is kind of similar, but she cheated on me and said she didn't love me. I did similar things to what you have done to try to win her back even though she cheated, like confessing undieing love for her, writing letters to prove how much I loved her, I begged and pleaded for her to take me back. Nothing worked. It just pushed her even further away, and if I held fire and stopped with all the pestering, she might have realised what she was missing sooner and wouldn't have slept with the guy. After a while i found something on the internet, a technique which could be used to get your ex back.

What you have to do is give her space and time to think. Break all contact with her for a month, that means no texting, calling, facebook chat etc. After about 2 weeks of this no contact, send her a hand written letter. In this letter, you must agree with the breakup and say it was probably the right thing to do. You need to make out your moving on without her. But don't tell her you don't like her any more, don't ask her how she is. Just keep it short and sweet.
This technique is about physiology. The girl will think you are getting over the relationship far quicker than she expected and will start to panic.
Durin this no contact period, dont start any contact with her, if she seems persistent to make contact with you, maybe she has already realised the mistake she had made and wants to sort it out with you.

This worked for me, the same day she read the letter she text me and started to apologise for how she had treated me, and feels bad for not giving me another chance. The next day we spoke and she wanted to get back together. As of yet i dont know if it will happen, but it definitely hit home when she read the letter.

Maybe you should make your own myspace, and add new photos of you having a good time and looking like you've moved on without her. Maybe a photo of you standing next to some girl she doesn't know. Add her and see what happens.

Its up to you if you use this technique, if you think it will be better to just talk it over when shes back, then do that. If you decide to wait to talk to her, in the mean time you should give her space and time to think. If she still loves you she will miss you.
Goodluck

[battlingpig]

also, are you sure she is flirting? what kind of things is she saying? maybe you are interpreting them the wrong way.

[sk8erboi88]

Hi BP,

thanks for responding. Yea we are kinda in a similar situation. But seems like you went thru alot worst. You must be really so in love to actually forgive her cheating on you. Cuz it'd be a deal breaker for me. But I'm happy for you that the technique worked. I tot of adding her on facebook too but the thing is, I dun have any new photos of me having fun and being happy. My friends are all in the army and I'm pretty much alone. So there's nothing much I can do to indirectly let her think I'm "moving on".

I guess I'll just stop contacting her till she's back a month later. Or should I just text her once in awhile to show her that I still care? Cuz I'm afraid that if I completely cut contact with her, I'll just slip away from her mind. As you know, she's overseas with a whole bunch of new friends especially there are more guys than gals and there's nth there to remind her of me. That's probably why she's moving on faster than me.

[sk8erboi88]

yea she is clearly flirting with many guys online. She wrote things on some guy's comments wall like "you are just so amazing, I can talk to you all day all night", "i can be that special "lady" of yours" "are we actually flirting now, cuz i kinda like this feeling" and she also said "i miss you!" to some other guy. Not only that, almost all her 52 friends in myspace are guys that she recently added.

Now isn't this clearly flirting? I never knew she could flirt so heavily with other guys cuz she never flirt with me this way before. The way we used to flirt were more subtle. And all these 3 years she's been declaring her love for me everyday and how she's so 100% loyal and wun even talk to guy friends anymore after she got together with me. And this is what she had been doing since a few months back when we were still so loving. It's like she suddenly got a desperate urge to get to know more guys. I just can't believe why she had to do it while we were being so loving. It's not even like she did it when we had a fight. So it doesn't makes sense.

[battlingpig]

You know her more than i do. But the way females work is that if they dont hear from you, they are going to wonder why, and then will contact you. She is probably enjoying herself, and right now your at the back of her mind. I had to cope (and still am) with her not thinking of me being first place, she probably sees me as being 5th place in line with what shes doing right now. Sooner of later, she will have a shitty day, and think about you. She will want to know whats going on in your life. If you do text her, make sure its short and sweet, dont tell her your missing her or that you love her or that you wish you had her with you. If shes not feeling in the right mood at the time, you could push her away. Text her about something good thats happened in your life, what ever it may be, then ask her how she is doing. Just dont show your suffering without her.

My ex used to flirt all the time, and made out she didnt realise she was doing it. I just got used to it because i trusted her. Its a shame that when you finally do trust someone, they throw it all back in your face, just like my situation. If you do stay together, you should have a good conversation about the flirting, agree to not have a fight. Just ask her questions like, do you fancy these guys your flirting with? do you realise your doing it? why do you do it? can you understand how i feel? would you like it if i flirted with girls?
This is a conversation i didnt have with my ex. You dont want her thinking its okay to do it, she could take it one step further and will walk all over you like my ex did to me. Put your foot down.

Your right, i am really in love with her, and it kills me knowing she doesnt feel the same right now. I forgave her for cheating because I dont want a hickup ruining everything we once shared. I guess i have to hold my breath till the hickups go away. I hope that if we do try again with each other, the love will come flooding back.

[battlingpig]

she is clearly flirting your right. maybe she unconsiously misses not being able to flirt with you, so she flirts with other guys. Try to flirt with her, she might like it.

[Chazza2k]

Hey, sk8

Yeah its tuff realising that something is going on behind your back, I know its not the same as her being with someone else but its still going to be difficult that shes betrayed you in this way by flirting with all them others. Trawling through the emails she sent you then wondering if she ever ment them is hugley painful, I did that and realised the more I read through them the worse I felt so in the end removed them all from the computer.

I can see you want her back, you have made the efforts to win her back and now I think you got to sit back and wait for her to make up her mind. I can see the flirting has really bothered you, the question you have to ask yourself is can you trust her again? Without that I don't think anything can work. Consider if she is worried about your possible future careers being incompatible, if she away training and then your joining the army she may have decided that is a problem for her? If you can put that flirting behind you then maybe it can be saved, of course thats if she decides she wants you back.

Be patient, I agree with BP dont show her how much pain your in and try to be friendly and calm. I eneded up screaming like a demented fool down the phoneline when I listened to all my Exs excuses, BAD Mistake! Talk to her when she's back, always in person not over the phone or email.. need to get a read on her body language and eyes. I know what it feels like to lose a girl you love, who makes such a difference to you and who you thought would be with you forever but times do change and then we change with them.

[sk8erboi88]

I can't believe it! I just got dealt with another blow. I just found out on her myspace that during those periods she was flirting with guys, she also put up some "really sexy" photos of herself. Although those sexy photos aren't there anymore, I know she did put them up as it was written all over her comments wall. Some guy even commented he like what he saw. Oh my gosh, I just dunno what to think of her anymore. These 3 years, I never knew she can be so slutty and flirtatious with other guys. She seems to be 2 completely different person. In front of me, she's so loyal and pure and doesn't even talk to guys. And behind my back, she is so slutty and desperate for guys.

What is she trying to do man? It's not like I didn't give her enough attention nor that I didn't adore her. Why would she do such things to gain attention from other guys? Furthermore, we had a "hot" night before the morning she posted sexy photos of herself and flirted with guys. I just can't make any sense of it.

Other than that, she is everything I wanted and so perfect in other ways that's why I want her back. But because of this "slutty" behaviour of hers that I just found out, I really dunno if I should take her back anymore. She seems so totally different from the girl I thought I knew for 3 years. It's like she has split personalities. Even if we do get back together, I dunno how and when I can get back the trust I had for her. That's why I'm so shocked and confused now.

Guys, what will you do if you were in my shoes? What will you think? Please help.

[Chazza2k]

Its not good sk8, its like you didn't in a way know her at all, I know how that feels it makes you doubt yourself and your own judgements on things. I know it also starts to make you wonder if she's lied about this what else don't I know about! I think part of love is giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. You trust in them until you get a reason not too, when that reason comes around you have 2 options. To try and patch things up and build up that trust again or put her in your past and try to move forward without her.

My Ex girl I thought I knew was a vulnerable, complicated and loving person that had troubles but loved and cared about me. I loved her deeply and was always doing everything I could for her. She met someone else, started dating him, I found out of course, she did it behind my back and this vulnerable girl turned into this strong willed, determined cold individual that cared nothing for me. I questioned her when we met on things she said to me over the last year and she claimed it was all lies at the time and that I never really knew her at all. I quote "I'm not the girl you thought I was" Like you I really didn't know what to make of it, was she lieing then or now? Does she even know? She even told me how this new guy makes her feel now, (it was practically identical to what she told me 10months before, I kept the txt on my phone it meant so much at the time) I read it too her and she was livid.

Do not beat yourself up endlessly that you missed all this, I have and know it really doesn't help. I put it behind me and figured if shes as dishonest and sneaky as this then this really isn't the girl for me... I'm glad I found out before we had kids (we did have a pregnancy scare once) and realise that if all this happened later (we together about 18 months) it would have been so much worse for me. I thought I knew her but ultimately I only knew bits of her, I've moved on, I dont think it will ever be possible for me to trust her again as she basically a fundamentally untrustworthy person.

Its been about 3months since we split, we met last week I told her that we could be friends, but after that meeting I really felt different towards her.

Time to move on for me, I hope you decide to do whats best for you.

[sk8erboi88]

Well before finding out all these crap about her, I was 100% sure and positive about wanting her back. That's why I went all out and did everything to try to win her back. But after finding out all these shocking truth about her these few days, I really dunno anymore.

The thing is, she was only flirting during that period of time which was a few months back(at least that's what I know thru her myspace). After that, the flirty comments with other guys kinda stopped. And she's always so firm when telling me that she would never ever cheat on me. When I doubted her, she would get annoyed that I doubted her. So i'm wondering is it because she was just being so "high" during that period of time that she forgot that it was wrong to flirt with other guys and did so to make herself feel more attractive? Also, I learnt from her mom that she still kinda cares about me even though we've broken up. That's why i'm utterly confused now.

[Chazza2k]

So i'm wondering is it because she was just being so "high" during that period of time that she forgot that it was wrong to flirt with other guys and did so to make herself feel more attractive?

What do you mean when you mention "high" in that sentance?? Drug High Manic Depressive high? None of the above?

[sk8erboi88]

I meant "horny" or a desperate need for guys.