Is it over and he doesn't want to admit it?

[DarklingThrush]

Hey guys, I have a question for you.

First, here's the story.

My bf and I have dated for 9 months. He moved in with me after a few months but just last month he moved out for reasons I don't understand (he really didn't give one, to be honest). I thought that things were over but he was really upset and wanted to keep the relationship going after he moved out because he said that he still loved me and wanted to be with me.

After a while of little communication and phone issues on his end, he finally came over and we got to sit down and talk. I asked him is he still wanted to be with me and he said that he loves me and wants to be with me but he doesn't want a relationship. After further discussion, we decided to stay together and just not have the pressure of always hanging out and having to be together all the time. Pretty much we're going to try to spend time together at least once a week and he's going to try harder to communicate.


Now the analysis from me and the question for you.

I've always insisted on honesty from him. My last relationship was a mess and I told my current bf that I always want him to tell me if he is unhappy, even if it will hurt me.

He says that he loves me still and wants to be with me. He doesn't want to lose me but he said that he wants me to be happy and that he doesn't know if he wants to have a relationship right now.

Despite some bad things we've been through, I still care about him and think that a large portion of his uncertainty in keeping a relationship is that he's super stressed at work since they're understaffed and not giving him any days off. He's seriously been working open to close multiple days in a row and it's clear that he's exhausted when I do get to see him. I'm okay with pulling back, with me starting a new job and getting a few more things on my plate but part of the reason I feel that he's uncertain with staying in a relationship is because he's under a lot of stress and balancing me into the equation is a lot. (No, I don't demand a lot of attention; being in a relationship will always take a time commitment)

Is this the right assessment or is this just a band-aid for a bigger problem? He says that he wants this but I don't want to sit here stressing over a relationship that I want but he doesn't really want and won't tell me the truth. I want to be with him but I need to know if this is the right thing to do.

[Nice Lover Boy]

I don't know exactly what is going on here.
But my guess is that he might want some time alone. Sometimes pressure does make you head that direction.

As far as if its over? Well, lets just hope he wants alone time by himself without having any other company.

[DarklingThrush]

That's why I figured that we should just ease up on everything. I have some stuff that I need to work on (job, my own friends, relative in recovery, etc) and he has his (work, sorting out his head, etc) but we both don't want to lose each other and both are still in love. We'll still be in contact and hang out, but there won't be any pressure and everything will be really chill until we both get everything back on track. I'm going to say it's probably after the holiday season since we're both working store jobs. And I'm okay with that since I really care about him, I just wanted to know if this sounds like something he wants.

[Nice Lover Boy]

I truly believe without a doubt that its something he wants.
As long as the time you guys spend together is the quality that you expect, things should be fine after he has put himself together.
A while ago, I was like that but I wanted to hang out with my friends and do other things to get me breathing. I did love my ex, but sometimes a man has to be a lone.

[DarklingThrush]

Okay, thank you very much. =)

I know that he's been hanging out a little bit more with his friends, something that we had a misunderstanding about in the past (we sorted it out but he thought I didn't want him to hang out with his friends, which was the opposite of how I felt lol) but it's not like I'm wanting all of his attention. I have a lot of stuff I'm starting and this backing off works out for both of us. I was just worried that I was trying to keep something going that he didn't want but I think that he does want it and we'll keep at it. =)

Thanks again and if anyone else has an opinion, please feel free to let me know. =)

[Nice Lover Boy]

Just on a side note, it is always good to be apart for a while.
A guy does need time to be with guy buddies. Tagging a long with a girl(and maybe friends) to the mall or something gets boring. When we get home, there is nothing really to talk about. Being alone for a while helps a guy miss the girl too. Being together 24/7 just makes a man want to get out and run away for a while.
I have been with my ex for a year and everytime I told her I was going out with friends, she just complained that I need to spend time with her more. WTF? We lived together and see eachother every day. Most of our nights we hang out and snuggle. But a man needs to be around other guys to get that share manhood with other men.
When we get home, bedtime is off the hook.

[no identity]

Yeah I'd say he wants some time to himself.. An ex of mine wouldn't allow me to hangout with my friends and I ended up breaking it off with her for good due to it. Hopefully this situation doesn't go down that road for you, but just allow him to breathe a bit.

[DarklingThrush]

Well the thing that kinda bugs me is that he didn't hang out with his friends at all for a long time when we started dating but I would constantly tell him to go and be with them since they're his friends and all. But he made it out to his friends that I was a control freak or something, which is definitely not the case. We sorted it out and he hung out with his friends more but it bugged me that he didn't just listen to me. =/

I'm definitely giving him his space so hopefully this will work out.

[DarklingThrush]

Just a little update-

I hung out with him yesterday and he seemed a lot happier. He immediately hugged and kissed me and told me how much he missed me. We talked briefly about the arrangement, me telling him that despite missing him that it was the best thing for both of us right now and he agreed. He's still swamped at work and I'm busy too but with this setup neither one of us is feeling pressure from our relationship. So it looks like everything is cool for now. =) Thanks for your help.

[CAM]

I think moving in was a mistake. I think you thought that him living under the same roof would mean that you'd landed the catch. Nah. He feels trapped and needs to be free of you. Quit with the Calypso approach to dating.

[DarklingThrush]

I think moving in was a mistake. I think you thought that him living under the same roof would mean that you'd landed the catch. Nah. He feels trapped and needs to be free of you. Quit with the Calypso approach to dating.

Um what? I'm not really sure what you meant by this post since I didn't have him move in so that I could "catch" him. We both wanted to move in together, him actually a bit more than me.

[shheadz]

he didn't hang out with his friends at all for a long time when we started dating but I would constantly tell him to go and be with them since they're his friends and all. But he made it out to his friends that I was a control freak or something

You were together constantly from the start because the relationship was fresh, and you were madly in love. He gave excuses to his friends because that's what guys do. We don't want any of our guy friends to think we're whipped, or even feeling all lovely-dovey with a girl.. You know, cause guys are tough! That kind of stuff doesn't mean anything.

[IndiReloaded]

Just keep busy with your own things. Schedule a time to be together on the weekend.

Loads of very busy people still manage to make time for each other. Living together should actually help this. If my husband & I hadn't been living together as grad students we would *never* have seen each other.

Relax and give him some space. Get on a schedule re: cooking, cleaning, etc. He will appreciate you taking the initiative on this.

[DarklingThrush]

It's weird guys would say stuff like that if they don't mean it. I tell my friends that I'm busy with my bf even if they try to make fun of me for spending a lot of time with him. Boys are weird =p

But yeah, I've been keeping really busy with things that I'm doing and everything seems okay for now. =)