I got dumped

[Charlie Boy II]

Last night Kristen came over after uni and I cooked her dinner - a ceasar salad (made from scratch, even the crutons) and lamb chops. It was a lovely spring evening, and we were sitting out on the patio drinking a couple of beers and talking about our future, when I let it slip I'd been looking at universities (colleges to you yanks) interstate. Understandably, she hit the roof.

Then she said she wanted to break up. That she was sick of it always being about me, that I'm selfish. I said I don't think relationships should come before things like study and travel in your 20s. She said well I shouldn't have a girlfriend then.

Then we both calmed down, and talked about how things have been since I got back, which isn't great. It's like we've lost the closeness I had when I was overseas, as funny as that sounds. We used to have so much chemistry. It's funny though, as we were talking was she looked so beautiful. She was really upset but she kept her composure. She's always had so much dignity.

Then we went into the lounge and just sat there wondering what to do. Neither of us really want to break up, but things have been bad lately. Not for me, mind you, I'm happy. But the things I do just end up making her miserable. Which I feel terrible about because she's a happy person by nature. So we broke up. We hugged one last time, she got into her car and she drove away.

I posted this in the off-topic because I'm not really looking for advice. I suppose I just wanted to let everyone know why I'm suddenly single.

Today I feel numb.

[Asparagoose]

Then she said she wanted to break up. That she was sick of it always being about me, that I'm selfish. I said I don't think relationships should come before things like study and travel in your 20s. She said well I shouldn't have a girlfriend then.

To be fair, she is also being selfish. It's all about her. She wants you to not go to a university out of state just so you can be with her? Where are her priorities in life? If that's not being selfish, I don't know what is.

I posted this in the off-topic because I'm not really looking for advice. I suppose I just wanted to let everyone know why I'm suddenly single.

Today I feel numb.

That's horrible Charlie Boy II. How long have you both been in a relationship?

[1averagejoe]

I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you the best.

I agree with Asparagoose, she's being selfish for wanting to be with you instead of letting you better yourself by gaining an education.

Breakups suck.

[Charlie Boy II]

Well to be fair to her, I just got back from a year overseas. I can see her point.

[shh!]

Wow, I'm really disappointed. I was really pulling for you. I suppose I can understand why she doesn't want you to go away to university after having been on this long trip. Any chance you might consider staying local for uni? Do you want her enough to make the sacrifice?

I don't really understand what's been so bad for her since you've been back, or what you are doing that makes her so miserable. You really don't seem like such a bastard to me.

[anachronistic]

For starts, it is good that you are traveling around and getting the best of your education. Don't let any woman cross that path Charlieboy. However it sounds like she wants to settle down and feels unfulfilled since you are dedicating so much time to those things. She seems too impatient at the moment to wait for you to finish, so it is unlikely that any intimate relationship with her will last while you are finishing those things up.

Maybe it's best to just stay single for a while.

I always had this feeling that you should have taken her with you on your trip

[Charlie Boy II]

the thing is I was just looking at the interstate unis as a back up in case I didn't get in somewhere in Sydney. I told her that, but it didn't matter. It was the fact that I was "even thinking about" and what that said about my "true feelings for her" etc, etc.

Her issues are with fundamental parts of my personality, which is why I agreed to the breakup, largely: I don't make her feel "loved enough". I am a fiercely independent person and I tend to do what I want to do. For example, if it's a Saturday night and I'm going out and my girl is staying at home I'll just go out anyway without thinking about it. And if the situation's reversed I'd expect her to do the same. Or if I want to go surfing over the weekend, I just go.

I'm also unemotional, which doesn't mean I don't care, it's just that I don't express my feelings very often.

If I'm honest I've heard similar, if not identical complaints from just about every girlfriend I've ever had. I think I need sensitivity training or something.

[Charlie Boy II]

And I don't want to make it sound like Kristin is needy or demanding either. She's the coolest girlfriend in that sense I've ever had.

[lesa]

I'm sorry to hear that Charlie Boy. Yeah you two are at different phases of life and it's not fair for either of you. I am in a similar situation in that I don't think it's fair to be in a serious relationship at this point in my life. I want to travel and continue my education. I cannot deal with a local relationship at this time because I cannot give them my all but I do want a little exclusive companionship so I found someone who also agrees that they cannot settle down at this point in his life.

Wish you the best.

[shh!]

And I don't want to make it sound like Kristin is needy or demanding either. She's the coolest girlfriend in that sense I've ever had.

Yeah, I didn't think that at all. In fact, I was under the impression she was equally independent, but I guess deep down, she IS human after all, and wants/needs/deserves to feel cherished.

How are you doing? Are you okay?

[Charlie Boy II]

I don't really know how I feel. She left last night, and this morning I've just been lying in the back yard in the sun and coming on here. Outside of this forum I haven't even talked about to anyone about it. The whole thing feels a bit unreal.

[Asparagoose]

If you're serious about having fun, then you'll have fun. If you're serious about getting ahead, then you'll get ahead. But you can't try and do both.

You have the need for companionship, but you also have to put your education first. Like lesa said, it makes having a serious relationship almost impossible. You want to devote all your attention to your SO, but you need to devote most of it to your studies. Maybe this was not such a bad experience. You might start rethinking the reasons you choose to get yourself into serious relationships and if you're being fair to the other person if you can't offer them everything you want to.

[shh!]

Have you got anything you can do that can keep you busy in the next couple of weeks?

[Charlie Boy II]

yeah except I don't want and have never wanted a "serious relationship". Even the phrase makes my skin crawl. In my mind, for my age, girlfriends = fun. That's the equation. Someone to take to dinner and got to the beach with and make love to. "Serious" shouldn't enter into it. There'll be enough time for that later on.

[Charlie Boy II]

Have you got anything you can do that can keep you busy in the next couple of weeks?

sure, I mean there's always surfing. I can do that twice a day. And I'm training for some ocean swims coming up. Other than I've got lots of friends here and a fairly healthy social life. And I'm busy getting my applications together and looking for work. I'm not doing any of that today though. Today I'm just going to sit in my underwear and stew.