Girlfriend's going to leave me if/when I join the military?

[zertaag]

I'm graduating college in May and for the past year have seriously considered trying to become a military officer after graduation. I've always seen myself someday entering the military, and now with the desire to supplement my degree with additive experience and education, and with our ailing economy, I feel that it's the right time to realize my dream. I know that I have the grades and the ability to do it, and I'm going to a recruiter sometime within the next few weeks, but I'm having an issue with my girlfriend.

When I first met her she told me of all these horrible things about the military that I was already aware of and frequently told me that joining would be pointless and stupid (while I highly disagree). One of her family members was actually engaged to someone in the Marines and they ended up breaking up with him for "not being there" and apparently my girlfriend is the one who influenced and encouraged her family member the most to break off the engagement. So her opinions on it are very set and obvious.

She tells me that if I join she cannot be with me, but I am so in love with her. We've been together for over a year and she always tells me how much she loves me and whatnot. I can't imagine being without her and I'm hurt that she would make me choose between going into the military and being with her. My parents say to just do what I want and if she's not around for it then it's meant to be...unfortunately it's much more complicated than that.

Thoughts? Would you make a huge life decision based on what your partner wanted?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It's really not more complicated than what your parents told you. You're trying to make it more complicated, but all the facts are right there in front of your face.

Your girlfriend is not making you choose, you selfish prick. That is a relationship incompatibility that she already told you about beforehand. No one is making anyone choose anything. There are decisions to be made, and consequences for them. That's all.

You really are looking at this in a very selfish way. You are going to be away a lot if you join the military, and you expect her to just sit by the fireplace and wait for you? Get over yourself. You've known her view on this for a long time, so don't twist it into her making you choose. She set down a relationship boundary a long time ago, so you definitely have known where she's stood, and you should have broken up with her then if you knew you wanted to go to the military. And NO, you should not make a decision based on what she wants. If this is your "dream", then you should chase it.

Do you know exactly what you want to do in the military?

[zertaag]

Well first of all, people come here to get different perspectives and honesty, not to get a verbal lashing for USING the site for what it is intended. So I can do without your harsh language. I never said I wanted her to sit alone and wait for me, all I expect is that she gives it a shot and if the time apart and distance is too much to handle then obviously she can leave. What I was saying is that I'm hurt that she won't even give it a try. I know the military takes many years away from people, but with what you're saying you're calling all people who got engaged and married selfish pricks for expecting their partners to stay faithful.

Yes, I knew she didn't approve of the military from the start but at that time I too was on the fence about whether or not I'd join because of my academic fellowship. And really? Break up with someone during the honey moon stage of an otherwise amazing relationship? Realistic. And she is making me choose, because she's always said "it's me or the military".

Also, although you may not have dreams it is inappropriate to criticize others for having them. And of course I know what I want to do. Your insight was honest and yes I agree I can look at it differently but you could have really done without the condescension, I came here looking for advice, not for some ass to lay into me for sharing my thoughts.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I put the word dream in quotes, because until recently, you weren't even sure about it, so I was questioning seriousness of this being your dream. Certainly not criticizing you for you dream, and the only reason I was asking if it's really your dream is because if it is, you should be all in.

Why are you hurt that she won't give it a try, when she told you from the start, that she isn't going to give it a try?? Also, she isn't making you, do anything. She's letting you know, that leaving her for the military is just that...leaving her. She clearly has a much better understanding of the commitment it takes than you do. If you want to be an officer in the military, you'll need to be ready to make much tougher decisions than this..and I doubt there's an internet forum for that.

I'm not calling people who are engaged or married, selfish pricks for expecting their women to stay faithful..they're just naive. Why are we even talking about this, are you engaged or married?

Lol, you're whining about being called a selfish prick...what are you gonna do when you have a DI screaming at the top of his lungs, spewing spit in your face during boot camp?? Tell him you appreciate his perspective but could do without the verbal lashing? Would your girl take you back if you dump her, and don't make it?

[HeartIsAching]

Your girlfriend has told you that this is a boundary issue - if you cross the boundary, she's gone. That's her right, and it's your right to choose as you see fit.

Now think about this - if you choose not to because of her, you will have regrets. If those regrets are strong enough, you'll have resentment towards her for them. This will almost certainly poison your relationship in the long run.

It's fairly obvious that you two aren't truly compatible, else this wouldn't be an issue. I'm thinking you might just want to move on, serve your country, gain some experience, earn some veteran's benefits, and sometime down the road meet the woman that's really right for you.

Just my thoughts.

[surfhb]

I think BackUpOrGetStng got the wrong impression of what the OP is thinking....but anyway.

Youre young Bro! Why let a girl get in the way of what you want to accomplish? Men should never thinking about heavy relationships untill they are established....later 20s at the least. The worst thing ever is seeing an early 20s something guy hooking up and living with girl or marrying.

[Salubrious]

It comes down to this, it is your life not hers and you must do what will make you happy in the long term. You cannot live your life to please everyone else because in the long run you will resent her/anyone else that emotionally controlled you into doing what they wanted. There are plenty of other women out there that would support you in your decisions sounds like you need to give her the ultimatum. If she really loves & cares about you she'll stick by you period!

[thiudiskr]

How most people think: "There are plenty of fish in the sea; it's better to follow your dreams when you have the opportunity, even if you have to end your relationship. If my relationship does not fit with my career, then it simply wasn't meant to be."

How I think: "Nobody is like my SO; I would never risk losing her for anything. If a career is meant for me, it will not interfere with my relationship."

Wanting to join the military is an admirable ambition. I felt that way when I was in college, and I'm sure that if I hadn't met the fine woman who is my fiancee, I would have done as I pleased after college. However, I made a commitment and I'm sticking to it. For the most part, we have both been able to find satisfying careers that don't interfere with our relationship. And we have both made decisions to keep it that way.

It really pisses me off, too, when people say things like "it wasn't meant to be". You may trick yourself into believing that fate is responsible for your decision making, but ultimately, you decide for yourself what is "meant to be". Decide carefully.