Why I hate lying by omission

[samuelabi]

This is a long post and im hoping someone will give an opinion.

I'm sad that I'm not secure or strong enough to answer my own questions but here goes.

I've tested her theory that she lives a hard working and fairly chaotic lifestyle.

She's a busy senior busy police detective and I'm a busy nurse..

Her statements or beviours are

1. I don't live by my phone and constantly text friends or immediately reply

2. I hate being 'questioned'

3. Lying by omission

Before I elaborate I'll tell u about me...

I'm 46, she 44, both in London England and have been dating 9 months. I have 2 young children who I fly up to Scotland to see every two weeks and sometimes stay overnight with my X, but obviously sleep in the spare bed. I hasten to add my GF isn't paranoid about this or seeks reassurance.

On the other hand her best friend is 100% homosexual. She has a lot of other friends but not as close as him. When she separated from her fianc� he was there for her so there's that bond.

Now to the nitty gritty...

1. I've tested that theory by looking at her phone and texting history. I hear a sigh and the responses saying I shouldn't have done that and I'm jealous, insecure and just leave now. I've never done that before in a 15 yr marriage or a 5yr relationship.

The gist or the nature of the texts isn't the issue its the lying by omission. When I've checked her texts are sporadic to her friends but a bit more constant her best pal Steve (S). The narrative is light, fluffy, jokey or how her day is.
I'm jealous that she tells him something which may have happened during the day but hasn't told me. The text count to me is much more but when I question her any news or gossip she gets animated and states there's nothing, I'm too busy to text or why start this again.

I know however busy u r there are days u wanna off load to a friend rather than a lover as there are different dynamics and maybe she doesn't want to bore me.

Also I don't have any long term friends due to the tranisent nature of my work so I live vicariously thru her.
When we go out in a gay group there may b sonething they have said during a call or text about mutual friends and cos she hasn't told me during the 'news/gossip' round up I feel lost and out the pict esp when they seem to b having such a laugh about it.

2. I question her because I want to know about her day and if I'm being honest I want to 'track the timeline' of her day. Sounds insecure and controlling. Again I've never done this before. I don't think I vome across as questioning her but obviously I do. I think her fianc� wasn't interested in her job or her really but she's still not used to me asking questions about her day. I'm actually very interested as her job is the 'sexy' end of policing. She asks me how my day is but doesn't ask finite details which irks me but she replies she doesn't need to know other than I'm happy and didn't do anything wrong or stressful, to which she is comforting and good listener

3. I know why she lies by omission as the acts of her telling me she has texted is then followed by questions of....news or gossip which she feels is inconsequential or irrevelant despite me just wanting to know "have u heard from S" what's he up to.

Also she's skiing at the mo and I asked her if she's taking anything nice to which she said no. Ii then checked her bag and found a top I bought her in Italy. It's really not the issue of flirty or cheating its the omission. I'm working on the premise due to my previous insecurities and questioning that's why she omitted. Also I don't receive a text from the time she started in the morning till after lunch despite my saying I'm genuinely worried and all I needed is a reassuring I'm fine fine back. I also caveated that I know it's hard to text esp when she's with her GF's but still didn't. So I emailed S and asked if he'd heard from her. Sometime later he responded that they had swapped texts.

She later text me to say they had been hard at it all morning, hence no texts. I did sympathise later knowing its hard but a simple text would have slated my fears.

I don't know the time line of her text to him but cos of my insecurities I think she text him first then me, but the reality is she picked up all the texts and did them over lunch.

When I questioned her about hearing from Steve she stated only an email which I knew about. When I asked her about how he was she said she didn't know as she only got an email. When I asked her about any texts, she got angry and shouted that I'm pushing and being invasive. All I wanted her to say was she had heard. Again I'm thinking she 'omitted' cos she thought she'd get the third degree and didn't want to spoil her trip.

She said that she's spent ages emailing last night and was ignoring her friends and angrily said she was leaving her phone in her room. She did text to say she was going out at 2200 but didn't get an email/text on her safe return despite me not being to help if she was in trouble. It's now 1000 and haven't heard from her....they came in late, still sleeping or she's still annoyed not playing the game. And or they came in late, no biggie but she didn't want to say she she thinks ill give her a hard time.

Questions

We are compatible but don't know how to address the incompatibility.
DO I PHONE/TEXT her now as its 1000 there time, but honestly I'm only doing it for my benifit and reassurance or leave it then have an argument as why she hasn't had the decency or curtesy to say "how r u, the kids and have a good day. Speak later"

Matthew

[Wakeup]

You state a couple of times that in your other relationships you never had this paranoia or need to control or check up on your SO. Since you have this NEED with this SO, Its quite obvious you don't trust her much. If you did what you describe to me, I'd have dumped you at the second attempt to control or snoop after our first conversation about how it wasn't appropriate. I would expect you to dump me if you asked me just to fill you in on the current gay gossip (a simple request) and I didn't.

I think your gf values the Wil to her Grace more than she does you. Perhaps it's time you found someone else, someone you don't have this mistrust, jealousy and need to snoop with

she hasn't had the decency or curtesy to say "how r u, the kids and have a good day. Speak later"

You are genuinely needy in that department. You're like a 13 year old with his first gf who's gone away on holiday with her family and he's afraid she'll find someone new while she's gone. Sorry to say, but that kind of behaviour from a grown man in his 40's is not very attractive.

[HeartIsAching]

You don't trust her - if you did, you wouldn't check her phone, period.

Her gay male friend is a "girlfriend". You've only been together 9 months - how long has she been really good friends with him? They have a relationship you two will likely never have... get over it.

Frankly to me you sound petty and jealous.

[ashley89]

wait are you seriously jealous of her gay best friend?