girlfriend texting another guy

[patcon86]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for four years now. She has started to text a guy she meet through one of her guy friends a lot. I looked in her phone and there were a lot of text messages from him and how they should get lunch sometime. But when I confronted her about it but she said they're just friends, so I looked at her phone and she deleted all of his messages. What do I do? She goes to school an hour away and comes home on the weekends. I've tried to talk to her about it but she just keeps saying there just friends. I've tried to be honest with her and tell her how I feel but I feel like I may be acting to jealous. I also am afraid to tell her how I really feel because its happend in the past and I don't want to get mad. What do I do?... Please help

[miffy]

Do you trust her? It seems unlikely you don't after 4 years, that would spell a major problem. If she says they are just friends, then that is what you should accept. You have no basis to assume anything else. Just because he texts her a lot doesn't mean she's having an affair, emotionally or physically. And she could just have deleted them because she got very annoyed with you checking her phone, which is slightly obsessive. Or out of respect for you, since she knows it bothers you. Unbased jealousy usually points to a problem with the jealous person, not the "suspect". Ask her once why she deleted the messages, but only if you're prepared for a shitstorm, since you "controlled" her by checking her phone, which would insult me personally. It also shows you don't trust her, so go figure. Get over it, and don't get jealous over silly things like some random dude texting her. She's allowed to have male friends, and if she's serious about you she can even take some flirting or advances. Doesn't mean she'll give in to them.

[HeartIsAching]

You distrust her, and without trust you've got nothing.

Break up with her.

[oldskool83]

I see no trust here, however if he was just a friend she could of say this so you knew it rather then not telling you. your in school, this is what happens. id eliminate the stress and focus on your school.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Agree with the other two. Break up with her. Whether she has cheated yet or not, she will, or she will just break up with you once it gets to that point.

[miffy]

Wow, you have no idea what's going on, all she's doing is being TEXTED by a guy. And you say "break up"...geeez...I'm not saying it's not possible, but breaking up over a hunch or suspicion is more than silly...

[Nice Lover Boy]

What is her reaction when you confronted her?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I didn't say he should break up over the texting. I'm saying he should break up because he doesn't trust her, they live an hour away from each other, and they're both in college. She clearly has some interest in this other guy, whether she's cheating or not, so the OP is best to just end it now, amicably.

[Wakeup]

and if she's serious about you she can even take some flirting or advances. Doesn't mean she'll give in to them.

SAY what?

People who keep doing what you suggest (with the same person) more times than not, will end up crossing fundamental relationship boundaries and wil indeed find themselves sexually and/or emotionally having an affair. It's human nature to gravitate towards those that make us feel swell. That is why relationship boundaries are so important.. so that you don't fall tempted to that "apple." We're all human and just because we love someone it doesn't mean we stop being attracted to others. It's up to us (who are in committed, exclusive, monogamous) relationships to stop acting single when we are not.

OP: IMO: You should have a discusssion with her about relationship boundaries and what you both agree and not agree to be your own and unique boundaries that suits both YOU AND HER. That's the thing about relationships some things are okay for some people but not for others and if you can't get it together so you both agree to what is going on, then you might as well just break up with her now because you guys will forever be at logger-heads about this kind of thing.

[miffy]

Wake, what I'm saying is that it's not her fault if she gets flirted or texted AT. It's what SHE does that should cause concern or distrust, if something happened, not guys being interested in her. That's not her fault and shouldn't be the cause of his jealousy.

[Wakeup]

Wake, what I'm saying is that it's not her fault if she gets flirted or texted AT. It's what SHE does that should cause concern or distrust, if something happened, not guys being interested in her. That's not her fault and shouldn't be the cause of his jealousy.

If she's not blocking their advances then I disagree with you.

It takes two people to tango and if you think one person is innocent of wrong doing just because they are not initiating the relationship boundary crossing activity then yes, as i said, I disagree. It is our responsibility to not continue to allow fundamental relationship disrespect. Every time he flirts and she flirts back without telling him that he's crossing a line as her plantonic friend, then she is just as guilty as disrespecting her partner as the initiator is.

He's single so he's not disrespecting anyone but the op's boyfriend when he does what he's doing. She's not single so she's disrespecting her bf when she responds to his advances. Whos getting disrespected by both sides here? Op is, that's who.

How would you feel if your gf was doing that with other men, getting the attention of other men as a hobby?

If you and your gf are fine with something like that then it's fine.. The problem is, Op is not fine with it and she's not doing anything to reassure him by continuing it when she knows how he feels..

[gwen123789]

totally agree with miffy on this.
(even though i posted some crazy long thing about not trusting my boyfriend earlier :p )
i don't think just talking to a guy or becoming friends with a guy is enough of a reason to throw away a 4 year relationship.
and unless i missed something he didn't say she flirted with him or anything.
i think you need to get much more information before making any kind of major decision.

[Wakeup]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for four years now. She has started to text a guy she meet through one of her guy friends a lot. I looked in her phone and there were a lot of text messages from him and how they should get lunch sometime. But when I confronted her about it but she said they're just friends, so I looked at her phone and she deleted all of his messages. What do I do? She goes to school an hour away and comes home on the weekends. I've tried to talk to her about it but she just keeps saying there just friends. I've tried to be honest with her and tell her how I feel but I feel like I may be acting to jealous. I also am afraid to tell her how I really feel because its happend in the past and I don't want to get mad. What do I do?... Please help

^^^ Opening post repeated..
I wouldn't go to lunch one on one with a male friend that my husband has never met nor has become friends with as well. We've been married a long time and that simple rule (amongs others) has served us well.

Other's mileage may very. To each their own.

OP: You ask "what should I do" I suggest you talk to her calmly about basic relationship boundaries and try to come to a mutually agreeable list of what is and isn't acceptable to both of you. If you can't come to an agreement, well then you'll have a problem. Blind trust is not recommended but trust is needed for any relationship to last the test of time.

[thiudiskr]

I think it's queer how she deleted the messages and disregarded your feelings when you confronted her. I'd be concerned, too. I don't think you're being jealous.