Second time around nightmare!

[carlos_fandango]

Posted in another forum first, think I should have posted it here!!

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I got together with a gorgeous girl 2 years ago. Both of us had previous lives, both married. We've been together through thick and thin whilst both our lives have evolved. It's not been easy, both of us going through divorces for a start (hers done my still on-going)I love her truly, so much so I moved across the country to be with her.

Anyway the relationship has turned sour, not because of anything I've done but because of a whole load of issues caused by others indirectly.

I have 3 adult children and she has 1 7 year old. She knew this when we got together. When the kids found out about her they weren't happy, why? Because I hadn't told them for almost a year and secondly because their bitter mother set out on a mission to destroy our relationship and poisoned their heads telling them that I didn't care about them and this new woman was some evil person who was trying to take me away from them!!

Anyway, things were said, posted etc.. some not very nice. I guess it was kinda of expected but still upsetting. Sadly where as a parent will over time find away to move on because they love their kids even if they don't like what they do sometimes, my new partner can't move on, she can not forgive and can not drop what happened...

Secondly my ex waged a 2 year campaign turning my kids against us, my family, making up storied left right and centre to try and make it seem she was so hard done by and I was living it up when in fact I was an emotional wreck! My new partner was the target for lots of the rhetoric and she grew to hate my stbx.. so much so that the hatred of her spread out to anything that I have in common with the stbx, including my kids. She made it clear she did not want a relationship with them.

Then to add to this, 2 of my kids then had their own, making me a grandfather at 42. Something I didn't ask for nor did I expect for many years. I hardly see them and infact I've never seen one of them at all because of the relationship issues with my daughter. My new partner lost it and this became another issue. "grandchildren that you share with her".. etc.. My new partner felt that she'd missed out on something with me and even though I'd never ruled out having a child in the future with the new partner she became obsessed with this hatred for them seeing them as a threat to our relationship and for some reason seeing them as taking me away from her!! WHAT!


Anyway, the situation got to a point where she was asking me to make a choice, her or my kids and their families. She felt that to be with her I couldn't have a relationship of any kind with them, even if that was only seeing them a few times a year. She thought that meant she didn't come first! She thought that because my daughter and her don't talk at the moment that I also should not talk to her at all (which I don't at the moment anyway because of that...)

The problem is she couldn't give me a solution, I asked her what she wanted and she told me I couldn't fix it. All she sees is split loyalties and sharing me and all sorts of rubbish which simply isn't and won't be the case....

I've been in total despair and frustration, I've told her I love her more than life and trying to make me chose between then just isn't a normal and fair situation when my kids are not affecting us, it's her that is affecting us!

So this morning she's ranted again, telling me a psychologist has told her I need to set boundries and that clearly she isn't important to me because I me wanting to see my kids once in a blue moon must of course mean I don't love her!!! WHAT! I have offered her everything, the rest of my life.. a future together, a home and family and I even wanted to marry her! What does she say? Oh well two years ago you didn't have grandchildren.. if you had I wouldn't have signed up to this!

You don't enter a relationship with someone, then a few years down the line say, well this has come up, wasn't expecting that so sorry I'm off! If you love someone you deal with things that come up and move on together don't you?

So she's told me she doesn't love me anymore (although 2 days ago she loved me more than life) and that's it as far as she's concerned because she sees some imaginary future with me with babies bouncing on my knees.. their babies.. that are not a threat to her!! She threw away 2 years together and apparently the love of her life because she can't deal with my kids having families now!!! WHY!!

[carlos_fandango]

did you and she have an affair? Is that why your both getting divorced? If yes, then I dont blame your wife and kids for being angry. Affairs rarely work out long-term. What made you think this would be any different?

So you are putting your whore above your children and your grandchildren (who you never see).

You have went from the frying pan into the fire here like many men do when they leave their loyal loving wife for a manipulative crazy bitch. Enjoy your karma. Sounds like a long ugly road ahead of you. You should have stuck with the devil you know but meh

no sympathy from me.....

I find your post and comments offensive to say the least! No we did no have an affair so please get your facts straight before making assumptions! It's that kind of immature and unfounded assumptions that probably cause you to piss a lot off people of no doubt

[michelle23]

I asked you a simple question. That is all.

Okay so you didnt have an affair. That still doesnt explain why you are not running for the hills from a woman who tells you that you have to choose between her and your children/grandchildren.

They should be more important than her

[carlos_fandango]

You didn't ask me a question, you made a load of assumptions, then had the disgusting behaviour to call my new partner a whore! Who do you think you are??? What right do you have to slander someone you don't know? I asked for comments on my situation, not for you to publicly slag off my partner!!

I want suggestions from people who actually have ideas on how to deal with this to save the relationship with her and my kids, people who might have had similar issues. If I'd wanted your physiological assessment of my partner and your opinion of what you assume is her job profession I would have asked...

[michelle23]

I asked you a question and then went on to say what I think if the answer is yes. I am sorry if I offended you but everything you said screamed affair to me. Your wife is making your life difficult, your kids hate you and your new woman is manipulating you. It does sound like you had an affair or that you left your wife for her or that you and she got together too soon after your separation.

What kind of a woman tells her partner he can not see his children? That he has to choose between her and his children/grandchildren? She has unrealistic expectations of you and she is being very controlling and selfish. Your better off without her

[Wakeup]

Well, this is another good reason why I'd never hook up with anyone that wasn't completely divorced and had all their previous mariage baggage securily packed away. Althogh that's not helpful, just sayin.

I'm not sure that someone that would expect you to give up your flesh and blood for them is a good partner in general, Carlos. *and certainly I'd not believe her when she says her therapist said those things.

Perhaps you should take her up on her ultimatum, leave her, get your last relationship problems ironed out and then look for a nice woman who your children will appreciate.

Forget all the crap your ex is telling your children about you and ask to see them so that you can earn their trust in person and kindly explain to them that eventually there will be a woman in your life and that you hope they'll be able to be happy for you in that regard. If you leave your children for this (apparent) shrew you're with now, then everything your ex wife said about her will become 100% true in your childrens eyes. You appear to have left one shrew only to end up with another one, just like the other one.

*I also think you are totally over-reacting to an albeit intrusive question but certainly no need for you to get so agressive about.*

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're a ****ing idiot. Your new girl is a psycho. Instead of asking "WHY?" she wants your to completely divorce your entire family, just grow some balls and tell her to **** off.

[carlos_fandango]

Well, this is another good reason why I'd never hook up with anyone that wasn't completely divorced and had all their previous mariage baggage securily packed away. Althogh that's not helpful, just sayin.

I'm not sure that someone that would expect you to give up your flesh and blood for them is a good partner in general, Carlos. *and certainly I'd not believe her when she says her therapist said those things.

Perhaps you should take her up on her ultimatum, leave her, get your last relationship problems ironed out and then look for a nice woman who your children will appreciate.

Forget all the crap your ex is telling your children about you and ask to see them so that you can earn their trust in person and kindly explain to them that eventually there will be a woman in your life and that you hope they'll be able to be happy for you in that regard. If you leave your children for this (apparent) shrew you're with now, then everything your ex wife said about her will become 100% true in your childrens eyes. You appear to have left one shrew only to end up with another one, just like the other one.

*I also think you are totally over-reacting to an albeit intrusive question but certainly no need for you to get so agressive about.*

Thanks, appreciate your comment.. sorry I have a ton of crap I'm dealing with, including my dad who is late stage cancer and really not well.. I'm on tender hooks.

[TablesandChairs]

OP, I have a friend going through something similar. It's very sad and frustrating.

Your partner is absolutely in the wrong. They are your KIDS. It doesn't matter that she doesn't like their mother - it doesn't even matter that YOU don't like their mother, kids are for life. Fatherhood is for life. NO ONE who loves you has the right to make you choose between your children/grandchildren and them. There is room for everybody.

Thirdly, you see your kids once in a blue moon which is actually sad...yet this still isn't enough for her? Okay, so they caused issues because of their mother who had bitterness/resentment towards you. This happens but you've sorted that out. You've moved to be with your current partner. You love her. You accept her child and don't make her 'choose' you or him/her.

This is crazy. If she wants a person with no kids, you're not it. And you cannot abandon your children because you will very much regret it later on. The psychologist she's seeing is obviously being fed misinformation, otherwise any professional would look into why she's making you abandon your kids when you hardly see them anyway. Blended families are hard work - it's not the Brady Bunch.

[TablesandChairs]

To add: the friend going through the same thing has decided to leave his girlfriend and is in the process of moving to a new place. To give you some background: he has two older children living with their mum (about 4 hours away) so he sees them once a month. She has a little boy living with them. Person X does everything for her little boy - drops him off to school, makes his lunch, plays, does homework. Everything a real father would do and possibly more. But if he EVER wants to do something for his own children, all hell would break loose. He can't spent $10 on his kids without being yelled at - "You may child-support so that's all the money you can ever spend on them!" etc. However, she expects him to spend $1000's on her own child, which he has done happily until he finally woke up.

Focus on your dad because you might not have much time with him. Relax. She is being a dragon. She's threatening to break up with you because she wants you to make the 'choice'. It's actually an evil thing for her to ask of you.

[Paul07]

Unfortunately your ex-wife and kids did all their best to ruin your chance of happiness with this woman and make her life a hell. It looks like it worked.
You two as a couple need some time and counselling after so much damage. In many cases though the r/ship is compromised forever and breaking-up is necessary.
The love you share might be stronger than the negativity of your family and the negativity she's gathered or not.
She is being mean now but so were/are your ex-wife and kids. She isn't worse than them in any way.
If there is a lesson to learn here it applies to everyone involved, your partner, yourself, your ex-wife and your children.
If there are always consequences for being mean and unfair then your ex-wife and kids will have to face some in their lives too.
What goes around comes around and this is valid not only for the mistakes that step-mothers and step-fathers can make but for the the unreasonable ex-wives/ex-husbands and step-kids too.

[michelle23]

We still dont know the circumstances of the breakup or why the ex wife and kids are so angry.

I recently met a woman at work who was very very upset because of her father. Her mother died of cancer 3 or 4 years ago and she just found out that he is now with his late wifes cousin. She believes without a doubt that he was having an affair with this cousin before her mother died and does not believe a word he says.

The whole family are torn apart because of it-literally world war 3. Nobody really knows the truth apart from the father and his lover but his children believe that is what killed their mother. The stress of him cheating made her get cancer.

In situations like that-there is no resolving it. Two much damage has been done and it doesnt even matter if they are right or wrong. They believe 100% that they are right, they are angry, heartbroken and looking for someone to blame.

My bf is still quite angry at his father for his parents separation. There was no cheating involved but his mother kicked him out because he was lazy, selfish, took them all for granted, very tight with money, abusive towards the kids and never took any responsibility for his family. He then went on a two year drinking binge, crashed a load of cars, threatened to kill them all with a gun and to kill himself as well as being put off the road. He was forced by the court to pay child support but only gave the bare minimum and never made an effort with any of them after that. My bf will never forgive him. He adores his mother and is very protective of her but he said himself if his dad dropped dead tomorrow he wouldn't cry for the bastard.

Divorce and separation leaves a lot of scars especially to the children involved. Even if it is amicable with not too much trouble and the parents try to be civil. It still causes a lot of damage.

[Wakeup]

"The children believe that is what killed their mother?" FFS

[TablesandChairs]

It's never okay to make a parent choose between their kids and something/someone else. Ever. I hope you understand that, OP. Your situation might be complicated but this much is very simple.

Every blended family has its difficulties. Stories of bitter ex wives and children being turned against one of their parents are very common. It happens and it can suck and you need to be strong and secure to get through it. But even if she wanted to call it quits, it should never have been put to you as a 'choice'. That's just cunning.

[michelle23]

"The children believe that is what killed their mother?" FFS

That is what she said-that the stress made her ill. Like I said already whether she is right or wrong is irrelevant coz that belief is so engraved in her brain that she wont change her mind.

And the are not children-they range in age from 15-35. Big family