How to properly reject a friend who wants to be your lover?

[Old_Werther]

Last November, I fell in love with a woman whom I see three afternoons a week in a theater class. Realizing that my feelings were probably unrequited, I kept them for myself as long as I could. However, when we returned from Christmas Break, I was in such discomfort that I took the resolve to declare my love to her. I asked her to meet me in an upscale café and told her that I had, over the past few months, developed feelings for her. She answered “c’est pas grave, ça va passer” (she’s French) which means “it’s not a big deal, it will go away”. She also said that my declaration would change nothing to our friendly relationship. Although I kept my composure, I left the café wanting to die.

We never discussed the incident again, despite the fact every Friday night I was volunteering to drive her home and that she was always accepting. On Valentine’s Day, I had delivered to her a very large bouquet of red roses along with a box of chocolates. She sent me a thank you email but did not encourage me to stop. When I saw her in person, neither she nor I did mention the gift. During the next few weeks, I politely asked her out a couple of times but she consistently refused. Whenever I would mention my romantic interest, she would just not reply. During all that period, seeing that woman so often and being treated by her as offhandedly and casually as if I were one of her least valued acquaintances was excruciatingly painful, but I kept the hurt to myself in order not to burden her with my frustration and resentment.

Just before Spring Break, tired of acting like such a glutton for punishment, I decided to accept her indifference, to end my courtship and to mend my heart to the best of my abilities. At the end of the last class of the term, I gave her one last gift for her birthday (an out-of-print book which, in a past conversation, she had mentioned wanting but being unable to find) and took off. The next day, she left me a brief phone message to thank me. That was the last that I head from her.

My new policy since the beginning of the current term has been to avoid her as much as I could. Although she tried a few times to initiate casual contact, she quickly gave up and now seems quite happy ignoring me as much as I outwardly ignore her. Despite this apparent status quo, I cannot find peace. The reason is not that I still love the girl, which I do: indeed, I accept the fact that she has no interest in me and that I just misread all the signs that I thought she had sent me (what led me to fall in love is a story in itself, too long to be shared in this already oversized post). No, what really hurts me is the fact that she never properly rejected me, that she never actually took the time to clearly tell me that I should not pursue her. In my eyes, the “c’est pas grave, ça va passer” that she gave me was not a proper rejection but rather a debasement of my feelings, a way of saying that I don’t even know what love is, that I should just go home, have some chicken soup, a good night’s sleep and that I would just wake up with some sense in my head.

My question is the following: when a man declares his love to a woman, should not the uninterested woman at least take the time to clearly state to the man that he should not pursue her? I understand that one cannot respond to all unsolicited offers that one receives in one’s life, but is not failing to do so in a given situation an unambiguous sign of having no respect for the person who makes the offer? In my misadventure, do you think that the woman clearly stated that I should not pursue her? I think not, but I would like to hear your opinions.

Thank you for reading this far and thank you in advance for your responses. W.

[Gigabitch]

I agree that a woman should be more clear. Maybe she was raised to believe that you should never reject a gift, be it flowers or affection. There are women out there who will let men throw themselves in front of buses for them. Sounds like you found one.

I think your current approach is the best- don't see her. It drives you insane. Apparently she thinks this is okay. I don't know if that's a French thing or what, but I find it to be unkind.

[Konsig]

No, what really hurts me is the fact that she never properly rejected me, that she never actually took the time to clearly tell me that I should not pursue her. In my eyes, the “c’est pas grave, ça va passer” that she gave me was not a proper rejection but rather a debasement of my feelings, a way of saying that I don’t even know what love is, that I should just go home, have some chicken soup, a good night’s sleep and that I would just wake up with some sense in my head.

Salut Werther,

just a couple of things that spring my mind.

1. Not all girls can talk about emotions with anyone. If there is/was no special bond between you, you can't expect a special treatment.

2. Some people prefer to "reject by trivialising", which gives the other one the feeling he/she is misunderstood and sometimes the feeling they need to clarify their feelings are 'true'. The trivialisation was to "avoid getting personal"..

an opposite reaction, (imagine hugging someone who told you he/she feels for you and then telling them it just can't be) can sometimes turn out better (the person feels acknowledged, comforted and can start getting over it) but sometimes backfire: the person interpretes this as 'special feelings' and wants more.

I'd advice you to let go, even if it's hard. Don't hold a grudge over the way she let you go, every person has his/her own way of dealing with these matters...

[Tired]

i didn't read your whole post but the poll...i think women need to be direct. They don't have to be mean but definetly direct. If you ask a girl out and she backs out but continues to compliment you, flirt with you, etc...it gives you the impression she is interested. Especially the compliments.

[misombra]

why do you have to know the reason?

do you want her to tell you you're ugly and stupid or something?

the feeling was just simply not there, most likely.

[GrkScorp]

why do you have to know the reason?

do you want her to tell you you're ugly and stupid or something?

the feeling was just simply not there, most likely.

I agree.., knowing if she's interested or not is information you have a right to know.., so you don't waste your time and get more hurt than it's worth.., but "why" someone isn't interested is a little too much information to bargain for.. "Do you want to know the truth? You can't handle the truth!" (A few Good Men)

I'm guessing you've never rejected a girl you weren't interested in before.. It's hard enough to tell her that you're just not interested.., because that's enough of an implication that they failed to match up to some standards.., and further implying that those are looks or personality.., etc.. one way or an other.., it's tough news to break to someone.., but you have to do it.., what is excessive though.., is telling her "why".., that's just pushing the nail deeper into the wound.., why on earth would you do that to her feelings? Even if she would ask to know the reason.., why the hell would you tell her? Just because she asked.., doesn't mean she knows what's good for her.., that's not something you tell someone.., it just shows that you're either completely inconsiderate for the other person's emotions.., or are desperately thirsty to validate your own sense of worth at the expense of other people's emotional well-being.. don't give that information.., don't ask for that information.., it's not something anyone really wants to know..

Best,

GrkScorp

[bluesummer]

I think she definitely should have been more direct, but then you should also have taken her initial comment seriously and not continued to pursue her. You obviously knew she wasn't interested, but you kept trying. Seems a little silly of you, don't you think? If she had a change of heart and was indeed interested, the tables would have turned and she would have been actively pursuing YOU, but she wasn't. The signs were all there, but you chose to ignore them. Next time, don't put so much effort into someone that clearly does not show the same interest as you. Lesson learned.

[Old_Werther]

I agree.., knowing if she's interested or not is information you have a right to know.., so you don't waste your time and get more hurt than it's worth.., but "why" someone isn't interested is a little too much information to bargain for.. "Do you want to know the truth? You can't handle the truth!" (A few Good Men)

I'm guessing you've never rejected a girl you weren't interested in before.. It's hard enough to tell her that you're just not interested.., because that's enough of an implication that they failed to match up to some standards.., and further implying that those are looks or personality.., etc.. one way or an other.., it's tough news to break to someone.., but you have to do it.., what is excessive though.., is telling her "why".., that's just pushing the nail deeper into the wound.., why on earth would you do that to her feelings? Even if she would ask to know the reason.., why the hell would you tell her? Just because she asked.., doesn't mean she knows what's good for her.., that's not something you tell someone.., it just shows that you're either completely inconsiderate for the other person's emotions.., or are desperately thirsty to validate your own sense of worth at the expense of other people's emotional well-being.. don't give that information.., don't ask for that information.., it's not something anyone really wants to know..

Best,

GrkScorp

Thanks for your feedback GrkScorp. However, my question is not about whether the girl should tell me WHY she does not want to be with me. I perfectly understand that I am not entitled to aggravate her by insisting she go through the unpleasant task of expliciting the reasons of her indifference toward me. Rather, my point is that I feel she could have been more direct in telling me THAT I should not pursue her (not WHY I should not pursue her). I'd much appreciate to read your comment on this specific issue: a) did she or did she not state her lack of interest clearly enough and b) if she did not, is this not the clear sign of total lack of respect?

[Old_Werther]

you should also have taken her initial comment seriously and not continued to pursue her. You obviously knew she wasn't interested, but you kept trying.
(...)
The signs were all there, but you chose to ignore them. Next time, don't put so much effort into someone that clearly does not show the same interest as you.

Thank your for this useful comment Bluesummer. Could you please be a little more precise on two details:

1) was her initial and only rebuttal as clear as you say? After all, she did not say anything about herself, she just invalidated my own emotions, basically pretending to understand me better than I understand myself. Is that a clear and proper to reject someone?

2) after each romantic gift that I sent her, she replied with a nice thank you note. When you receive from someone in whom you have absolutely no romantic interest a bouquet of 37 red roses and a luxurious box of chocolates, wouldn't you mention to the sender that, although you appreciate his gesture, he should not pursue you anymore? I'm not saying that I expected anything in return for that gift: I am glad that she accepted it and the mere fact that it brought her joy (she said so in her thank you note) brought joy to me. However, I feel that a little clarification would have been adequate at that point. What do you think?

[bluesummer]

Could you please be a little more precise on two details:

1) was her initial and only rebuttal as clear as you say? After all, she did not say anything about herself, she just invalidated my own emotions, basically pretending to understand me better than I understand myself. Is that a clear and proper to reject someone?

I thought it was pretty clear. She was probably trying to get the point across without being mean. Obviously you are friends of some nature. Personally, I would've taken a statement like that to mean there's no interest on the part of the other party.

2) after each romantic gift that I sent her, she replied with a nice thank you note. When you receive from someone in whom you have absolutely no romantic interest a bouquet of 37 red roses and a luxurious box of chocolates, wouldn't you mention to the sender that, although you appreciate his gesture, he should not pursue you anymore? I'm not saying that I expected anything in return for that gift: I am glad that she accepted it and the mere fact that it brought her joy (she said so in her thank you note) brought joy to me. However, I feel that a little clarification would have been adequate at that point. What do you think?

I agree that she should definitely have made it very clear once you had bought her that gift that she didn't want to accept it, or at least only accept it as a friendly gesture. She was wrong to continually accept these gifts from you. Nothing wrong with thanking you of course....that's the least she should do. However, she should've probably followed up the thanks with some sort of indication that she was not interested in you in the same way. It IS a hard thing to say to someone (I've had to do it before), but it definitely would have been more polite and less confusing.

[GrkScorp]

a) did she or did she not state her lack of interest clearly enough and b) if she did not, is this not the clear sign of total lack of respect?

a). Personally.., you're asking the wrong person.., unless i'm infatuated with the person and i'm not thinking clearly (one-itis.., maybe that's what you had).., then genuine lack of interest is something you can spot immediately.., you can feel it.., you can feel that something just doesn't click.., but more importantly.., you can feel when something DOES click.., I can usually tell when someone likes me.., before they even know it themselves.., If they're showing all the signs.., it doesn't matter if they know it or not yet.., but they like me.., and now it's only a matter of time until they realize what everything they're feeling inside of them really means.. how long will it take until she finally starts to see why she can't wait until the next text or e-mail.., until our next phone call.., until we talk to eachother and see eachother again.., how she feels when my skin brushes against hers.., how she's thinking about how it would be like to kiss me.., there will come a point where she'll know it herself too.., but that point can be far down the road.. between now and then.., she can deny it to herself or fail to realize it on her own.., but her unconscious spill-overs are dead give-aways.. Therefore.., personally.., I feel she was more than clear (both intentionally & unintentionally).., and even more objectively speaking.., a reasonable person could take this to imply more disinterest than interest.. and therefore not continue to act any further.., If you felt that this was perhaps not clear "enough".., that is a personal judgement left open for you to fill into that relative term..

b). No.., I don't think you've seen total lack of respect.., My asshole friend who leads girls on.., makes out with them.., gets their number.., makes plans for dates.., has sex with them.., and then never calls again.., is a prime example of total lack of respect.., The girl who sits there.., watching you pay for $10,000 in credit card debt she has.., taking her on expensive dinners and dates.., getting her excessive gifts.., going shopping and paying for everything for her.., going on insanely lavish vacations and trips.. all for her.., and then she turns around and tells you that she's met this guy she likes.., and she wants you to meet him.. but when you tell her how you feel (as if she didn't know).., she turns around and tells you.. "but we're just friends.., I don't really like you" (it was just nice you offered all these things.., if you were dumb enough to offer them.., I was smart enough to take them.., but it doesn't mean I liked you.., it just means I have no respect for you.., and if this means that all these things are going to stop.., then I guess our "friendship" is over).., THAT is total lack of respect.. what you went through.., was simple miscommunication & misunderstanding..

Best,

GrkScorp

[IndiReloaded]

She answered “c’est pas grave, ça va passer” (she’s French) which means “it’s not a big deal, it will go away”. She also said that my declaration would change nothing to our friendly relationship. Although I kept my composure, I left the café wanting to die.

I understand this mentality. She sounds like a mature french lady who is accustomed to having 'gentleman admirers'. What she gave you is what I like to call a 'graceful out'. Take it as a compliment she assumed you have some subtle, native intelligence.

She could have been more direct when you started with the gifts, yes, but that's not everyone's style. She might have been embarrassed that you weren't 'getting it'. Awkward situations like that are so, well, distasteful.

She's not interested tho. Hope you have that figured out clearly now.