Parents Refuse to Accept My Boyfriend

[radishearrings]

I apologize for the length, but I will do my best to explain:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, and things are wonderful between us. He treats me like a princess and makes me feel good about myself. He is my best friend and I completely trust him, so there are no jealousy issues whatsoever. However, things are going horrendously wrong with my family. Since the beginning, they have refused to accept him as my boyfriend, and only because of two reasons: 1) To them he is ugly and undesireable, but to me he is attractive; 2)He is going into fashion photography as a career because he is passionate about it, but my parents believe that it is an easy career for lazy/unmotivated people that aren't smart enough to do anything else. The things they say to me about him hurt me so much, and I have been trying to stand up for him but I get in trouble for it. They admitted that they do not know his personality and how he treats me, but they said regardless they will never give him a chance.

About 7 months into our relationship my parents gave me two choices: 1) Stay with him and they will stop funding for my college or 2)Listen to them and have a happy life with someone they approve of. I tried going behind their backs, and I told my boyfriend about what was going on and he agreed to it, but my mom soon found out that we were still dating. She looked at my text messages (she is bad with technology so that was surprising) and became furious.

She kept trying to squeeze the truth out of me, and eventually I gave in and told her that I never broke up with him and I don't plan to. She says that she will not be involved in my personal matters anymore (my parents are controlling) but if there is to be a future with him, she will deny any relations with him (and possibly me). She also told me that the last time she said she would not fund my education was only a thing she said out of anger and that she loves me too much to do that. However, I am scared that she is lying so I am going to prepare myself to be financially independent.

So my question is, am I doing the right thing for myself? It really hurts me that I was forced to choose between my family and him, all because of shallow reasons. Of course, I could just leave him, but I cannot help my feelings for him. Maybe I'm too young, but I love him very much and I do not want to leave him unless there is an actual problem between us. I choose him because he makes me feel like a wonderful person that deserves everything, and he is amazingly supportive and understanding. My parents on the other hand love me very much, but when I try to talk to them about problems, they blame me for it, put me down and do not provide me emotional support/comfort. I have never felt comfortable around my parents to trust them with anything. I feel that because of how judgmental they are, no one will ever been good enough for them, so leaving him to find someone else "better" that I also happen to love just as much may not even make them happy.

Now that this has happened, my parents don't trust me at all and are very disappointed that I refuse obey them (fyi, they are Asian immigrants, and in our culture the child must do everything the parents want them to do, including choosing marriage partners). In their eyes I am a bad child, but really I am a hard-working student that hasn't done anything to hurt anyone on purpose. I've already tried explaining that I am an adult that should learn from mistakes, but they believe that parents should not let children learn from mistakes, but create the perfect life for them. It's a nice thing to do for me, but I'm sorry to say cannot agree with them.

PS-It's only my parents that have something against him, he is only mad that they are treating me this way, but he does not hate them.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, again sorry for the length, but any mature advice/insight is appreciated!

[Ezekeil]

Damn..thats messed up!! I would say give your parents the Jersey Wave and follow your heart but if your dependent on them for your money and higher education you would be biting the hand that feeds. If your able to handle the consequences of that then I say screw your parents and their overly controlling viewpoint on life. Momma doesn't always know best, especially when it comes to your heart.

...Honestly tho? I am probably the worst person to get relationship advice from hahahahaha so take my words with a grain of salt.

[surfhb]

There's a reason western culture has flourished and here's a good example.

You are not apart of your parents culture anymore so you need to do what's right for you. They may not talk to you for many years so this is something you need to accept.

I feel sorry for you and the Milliions of other people who are subjected to this abusive cultural BS in this modern age.

[JJP]

I had a brief relationship with an Indian girl. Everything was kept top secret because if her family knew she was with a white guy they would disown her. We never got too involved and I wonder if it would have been different under some other circumstances. I understand that this is a very tough issue to deal with, but your the one who is going to end up spending a lot of your life with your partner. I think it is important to make sure that's the right person. You're unlikely to be happy dating someone simply because they fit the parents wish list.

Maybe take the parent you feel closest aside and talk to them calmly. Think out what you want to say to them and tell them your thoughts whilst they are fully listening. Avoid it getting confrontational. I hope this is possible, but I realise sometimes it's not. Good luck.

[Phoenix23]

I think you've got the right viewpoint on this situation.
I don't think the real question here is whether or not you should see him, but what to do about relating that to your parents. In which case maybe someone who has dealt with this issue can offer some advice.
You can't really put a price on love like that.

[bcgirl]

Asians and western cultures differ when it comes to these sorts of situations. Old school asian mentality believe that a career driven, smart, wealthy man who is preferably a doctor/lawyer etc. would be able to bring happiness and security to their daughter. Western beliefs feel like it doesn't matter where the man comes from, whether he is rich or poor, just as long as there is love. You see a lot of asians who are married, but there is no lust or passion in their marriage because it was either arranged (mainly indian) or to satisfy the family in some sort of way. It's all about "saving face" meaning that a daughter who marries a soon to be doctor won't embarrass the extended family and friends. Remember....asian culture is very family oriented and it's more about the family than the individual. So it's not so much what "I" want....but what will be best for the family as a whole. This way causes a lot of problems and it is a very old way of thinking. Your parents brought you to a western country, you grew up watching western movies/shows and going to school in western schools. You are very "white washed" in that sense. So for your parents to try to force you to follow in their path of thinking is unrealistic. I know your parents want the best for you and they genuinely believe that there will be no future for you if you end up with this man......but you need to prove them otherwise. Follow your heart. Your parents will always love you no matter what your decision is.

I have a few indian friends. Their parents are very strict and religious and won't allow them to date guys. Even at 25 they aren't allowed to date, unless their parents give permission to certain guys. It's ridiculous because they just go behind the parents back and date anyways. I couldn't be able to live like that.

[bulrush]

I choose him because he makes me feel like a wonderful person that deserves everything, and he is amazingly supportive and understanding.

I think you are right and the above is a "green flag" that shows this guy has potential. Plus he is not overreacting to your parents' controlling behavior.

I think you should plan to be financially independent and plan to pay for your own college, just in case. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. He sounds like a good guy for you. But fashion photography is a very competitive world. He may not make the big bucks, but he could still start his own business and pay the bills.

I don't see any potential for problems with this relationship. I just wanted to add that young people need the chance to try things on their own, make mistakes, and learn from them. That's the best way to learn anyway, IMO.